Wikipedia:Peer review/Sean Bennett/archive1
Sean Bennett[edit]
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe that it's close to being a WP:GA but not there yet, and would like to know what else can be done to improve it. Thanks, Giants27 (c|s) 02:21, 13 August 2009 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments:-
- Article length: the article seems very short compared with other sportsperson biographies that have reached GA or FA levels, but perhaps Bennett is simply not that notable? However, the article lacks even minimal personal infomation, and comes to a very sudden end. It does not have the feel of a fully comprehensive account, and I suggest you see what can be done to flesh it out.
- It appears to be written more for a sports magazine than a general encyclopedia. It contains words and expressions which are particular to football or baseball. While some of these are linked, the article should be reasonably self-contained, i.e. should be generally intelligible without reliance on links. Terms and phrases which I believe a general reader might stumble over include:-
- "two-time"
- "rushing attempts"
- "named All–State"
- There's no article on it, nor is there an easier way to clarify it. All-America could work but it's not really the same thing.--Giants27 (c|s) 22:31, 9 September 2009 (UTC)
- "he batted .425 over four years."
- "starting fullback"
- Linked to starting lineup for "starting".--Giants27 (c|s) 02:21, 31 August 2009 (UTC)
- "he had 32 rushes and 160 yards"
- "work out"
- Linked to NFL Scouting Combine#Pro Day.--Giants27 (c|s) 02:23, 31 August 2009 (UTC)
- "share carries"
- "multiple running back injuries"
- "He was waived on December 4, 2002"
- Linked to Waivers (American football).--Giants27 (c|s) 02:16, 31 August 2009 (UTC)
- "He was cut"
- "...recording 76 yards on four catches"
- I am not suggesting that you add elaborate explanations for all these terms, but some thoughtful rewording would be helpful. For example, "he batted .425 over four years" could read "his batting average was .425 over four years"; "share carries" coiuld be "work in tandem" and the like.
- The general standard of writing isn't good, and could do with much polishing. Avoid abbreviations like "couldn't" unless it's in a quotation: avoid using "while" as a connector within sentences unless the second part opposes the other (e.g. in "In football he played wide receiver and was named All–State while in baseball..." the "while" should read "and"); avoid casual phrasing such as "like he did at". Some sentences are ungrammatical, for example "After suffering multiple running back injuries, the Giants became interested in re-signing Bennett..." reads as though the Giants had suffered multiple injuries. I won't go on, except to reiterate that the prose – and punctuation – need a lot of attention.
If you would like me to look again after you have addressed some or all of the above, please contact me on my talkpage. Brianboulton (talk) 17:03, 23 August 2009 (UTC)
- I'll get around to fixing these in the coming days or so. Thanks for the review expect a message when I'm done. Cheers,--Giants27 (c|s) 23:43, 27 August 2009 (UTC)
Further comments:
- The article is better, but some problems remain. The biggest, which I don't see you can do much about, is that Bennett seems utterly unmemorable. The article reads like an account of a career that was pretty much a failure, and which ended prematurely.
- Not all the points I raised in the earlier review have been fixed; I have altered "couldn't", and made a few minor tweaks, but "rushing" or "rushes" still needs explaining – isn't there a football-related link that would be helpful here? The statement that he "had 160 yards" is completely meaningless to those who don't know how American football works, and must be explained.
- Are there no dates (or at least, years) that can be given in his college career, to enable us to maintain an idea of the chronology?
- "On April 1, 2003, the New York Jets signed Bennett.[8] He was released on August 23, 2003.[9]" Don't either of these sources indicate some reason for this rapid release? It says in the lead (but not here) that he was released before the season began. Was it injury, or what?
- As there is evidently so little information I suggest the article have a simpler structure. "Early years" and "College career" should be combined, perhaps as "Early career". The pre-draft anecdote could be tagged on to the 1999-2003 paragraph, and the brief reference to his post-playing career absorbed into the 2004-06 section (which, since you say he didn't retire from football until 2007, should perhaps become "2006-07".
That's really all I can come up with. Brianboulton (talk) 16:42, 31 August 2009 (UTC)