Wikipedia:Peer review/Sega/archive1

Sega

After a featured article candidacy which was archived due to a lack of support (though no opposes), I took heed to Ian Rose's words where he noted the process operated more like a peer review than a candidacy. In fairness, it felt that way to me too, and I may have miscalculated how the article's size and number of references made attacking minute details more difficult, combined with my usual good-but-not-professional-standard prose work being a greater issue with a larger article. So, with that being said, and still having a goal to have this to be the featured article of the day for Sega's 60th anniversary on June 3, 2020, I think a full peer review is warranted before a second candidacy. There are not many FA's on companies on Wikipedia, so it's difficult to find a standard on which to compare this article. Pinging Eric Corbett, Ritchie333 (if he changes his mind and decides to return to Wikipedia), SnowFire, Megaman en m, and Jo-Jo Eumerus as commenters on the previous FA who may want to give more feedback. Also pinging Indrian and Sjones23 as the GA reviewers of the article.

Thank you to all who come to review this article; I welcome any and all feedback. Red Phoenix ^talk 16:11, 19 August 2019 (UTC)

Notes from Megaman en m

I don't have much time now, here is a spot check of the section "32X, Saturn, and falling sales (1994–1999)"--Megaman en m (talk) 16:51, 19 August 2019 (UTC)

• Sega had begun work on the Genesis' successor, the Sega Saturn, but according to former Sega of America producer Scot Bayless, Nakayama was worried that the Saturn would not be available until after 1994, and about the release of the Atari Jaguar around the time. Sentence is too long and hard to read.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:51, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Broken up and rephrased
• The decision was made by Nakayama and widely supported by Sega of America employees. Reads awkwardly.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:51, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased. I'm not sure "widely supported" is as accurate as Sega of America helped develop it, but it's slightly irrelevant to the point and maybe better for History of Sega and where it already exists at 32X
• Virtua Fighter, a faithful port of the popular arcade game, Isn't this a bit NPOV? I don't see the reason why it would have the qualifier "faithful".--Megaman en m (talk) 16:51, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Removed the word "faithful" - I believe this came from one of the sources, and what its use means in porting is that it's very similar to the original version.
• On July 16, 1996, Sega announced that... The commas make it harder to read than it should.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased to remove commas
• Shoichiro Irimajiri had been appointed chairman and CEO of Sega of America, while Kalinske left Sega after September 30. The "while" seems off here. It makes it sound like it's happening at the same time.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I think the rephrase I did for the last comment should handle this one, too.
• Sega also announced that David Rosen and Nakayama had resigned from their positions, though both remained with the company. What does them remaining mean in practice?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • This looks like it got scrambled in a copyedit - I'll get it straight. They resigned from Sega of America, not Sega in general.
• ...was named Sega of America's executive vice president... Doesn't read well. I'd rephrase it to avoid the genitive.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I'm not entirely sure what a genitive is, but I gave this a go.
• Stolar was not supportive of the Saturn, believing its hardware was poorly designed, and publicly announced at E3 1997 that "The Saturn is not our future." I'd split it into two sentences.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• he continued to emphasize its quality games The quality of its games?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Yes. Rephrased.
• At Sony, Stolar had opposed the localization of certain Japanese PlayStation games that he felt would not represent the system well in North America, and advocated a similar policy for the Saturn, although he later sought to distance himself from this perception. I'd split it into two sentences. Also, what is meant by "perception"? It seems like "position" or "stance" would be more fitting in this context.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• These changes were accompanied by a softer image in Sega's advertising, including removing the "Sega!" scream and holding press events for the education industry. What changes? What does the "softer image" have to do with Stolar's refusal to localize some games in North America? Also, I would like some more context for these press event.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased to "other changes" and removed the linkage - unfortunately I don't have any more about these press events in my resources. I can try but I'm not sure I'll find more than that.
• Sega announced plans in January 1997 I would write something like "announced their intentions to..."--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• As a result of Sega's deteriorating financial situation, Nakayama resigned as Sega president in January 1998 in favor of Irimajiri. Didn't it say that Nakayama resigned from his position already back in 1996?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Clarified earlier when I fixed the broken copyedit - in 1996 he stepped down from Sega of America, but not his position with Sega of Japan.
• The Saturn failed to take the lead in the market as the Genesis had. Don't like this sentence. I'd avoid the "as the Genesis had" at the end.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Removed
• Sega suffered its first parent and consolidated financial losses Maybe this is just because I know nothing about economics, but I don't understand what is meant here at all.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased - a "parent" loss is specifically a financial loss of a parent company, while a consolidated loss is the financial loss of a parent company and all of its subsidiaries and the sub-corporations under its organization. This was the first time Sega reported a loss in both fields in the same year. Hopefully the way I phrased it makes this easier to understand.
• Shortly before announcing the losses, Sega announced that... Double use of announce.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Reworded
• Sega announced that it would discontinue the Saturn in North America to prepare for the launch of its successor. I'd give an early mention as to what the successor actually is.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Moved it up
• The Saturn lasted longer in Japan and Europe. By how long? Not a very useful statement without a time span.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • That was the limitation of the source. That being said, I found another one with some more information, so I added it in.
• although its install base in Japan surpassed the Nintendo 64's 5.54 million. How big was its install base then?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:26, 19 August 2019 (UTC)
  • 5.75 million - and I'm not sure how that number wasn't here... it's in now, and sourced.

That should be all of the comments so far. Red Phoenix ^talk 03:52, 20 August 2019 (UTC)

Going through "Genesis, Sonic the Hedgehog, and mainstream success (1989–1994)" now.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)

• At the end of the 1980s, with the arcade game market once again in growth, Sega was one of the most recognized game brands. I'd put the year at the end of the sentence. I'd also rephrase the "in growth" part.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased both parts, per your suggestions.
• In arcades, it focused on releasing games to appeal to diverse tastes In the arcades. Also why is it referring to Sega as an "it"?--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I've never heard of it as "the arcades" - might this be a WP:ENGVAR issue? Regardless, I changed it for now. Also, expanded "it" to "the company" to avoid repetition of "Sega" in every sentence.
    • Maybe because I have a bit of a fighting game background, but they always use wording like "in the arcades".--Megaman en m (talk) 06:58, 21 August 2019 (UTC)
• For homes, Sega released the Master System's successor, the Mega Drive, in Japan on October 29, 1988, though the launch was overshadowed by Nintendo's release of Super Mario Bros. 3 a week earlier. Too many commas, split up the sentence. Again the "for homes" part seems strange to me, just like the "in arcades" phrase. Is this a common expression?--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • It's not, but it was all I could think of at the time to change the focus back to its video game console business. Fixed both.
• The Mega Drive could not overtake the venerable Famicom and remained a distant third in Japan behind Nintendo's Super Famicom and NEC's PC Engine throughout the 16-bit era. Wait, so despite the Famicon, Super Famicon and PG Engine outselling it, the Mega Drive is still in third place, not fourth? I guess the 16-bit era qualifier means that the Famicon isn't counted. It's still a bit confusing though, since it's one sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased to try and alleviate confusion - and in fairness, Famicom had 6 years headstart and to my knowledge there aren't numbers from just Nintendo's late years and Sega's early ones with the console in Japan.
• For the North American launch, where the console was renamed Genesis, Sega had no North American sales and marketing organization. Repetition of "North American".--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed
• Genesis was launched in a limited number of markets Which ones?--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • NYC and LA. It's in the same source, so noted.
• the second part involved creating a library of recognizable games which used the names and likenesses of celebrities and athletes. Any examples?--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Added in Joe Montana Football and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker as two of the more famous examples.
• Tasked by Nakayama to sell one million units in the first year, Katz and Sega of America sold only 500,000.I'd add a "despite", or something to that effect.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Added
• This character was renamed Sonic the Hedgehog, creating one of the best-selling video game franchises in history. This makes it sound like the character is the game, somehow. I'd phrase it as "and went on to feature in...", or something like that.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
    • I don't see a change?--Megaman en m (talk) 07:02, 21 August 2019 (UTC)
      • Yeah, that one got lost... I tend to make large edits and hit multiple things at once, and I had one that I "lost" and it didn't save for some reason. I thought I got them all going back, but I missed this one clearly - and it is now fixed.
• The Sonic the Hedgehog gameplay originated with a tech demo Weird phrasing. Something like "The groundwork for the gameplay was laid out in a tech demo" would sound better.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Tried to rephrase, but I'm on a computer I don't normally use right now, and I can look at it again when I'm on one I can use VisualEditor on. Wanted not to remove the link to the 1991 video game, but if I have to move it, it's tough for me to do without seeing it on VisualEditor to know where to go with it.
• an algorithm that allowed a sprite to move smoothly on a curve by determining its position with a dot matrix. This doesn't mean much to a layperson. They wouldn't even know what a sprite is, let alone a dot matrix.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased with a link to what a sprite is, and eliminated the bit about a dot matrix entirely. Hopefully that simplifies things enough.
• Why is Ōshima spelled as Ohshima? I noticed that his own Wikipedia article does the same. The external link of his article refers to him as Ōshima though.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • To my knowledge, this is a matter of how his name is transliterated from Japanese to English. I've seen sources use both. I used "Ohshima", however, to remain consistent with articles in the encyclopedia.
• In large part due to the popularity of Sonic the Hedgehog, which received acclaim, Both parts say the same thing.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Removed "which received acclaim".
• The Game Gear was designed as a portable version of the Master System, and featured more powerful systems than the Game Boy The comma isn't necessary. Also "systems" is very vague.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed the comma and trimmed out a bit to make this work better. It's also less wordy as a sentence.
• the Game Gear did not surpass the Game Boy, selling approximately 11 million units selling -> having sold--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed
• Sega launched the Mega-CD in Japan on December 1, 1991 It's not explained what the Mega-CD actually is until a few sentences later.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rearranged the paragraph
• The add-on greatly expanded the potential size of Genesis games and upgraded its technical capabilities with a second, faster processor, vastly expanded system memory, a graphics chip that performed scaling and rotation similar to Sega's arcade games, and an additional sound chip. What is meant by size here exactly? Also, split it in two sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased, and with some specific numbers on how much more.
• the new Sega Model 1 arcade system board showcased Sega AM2's Virtua Racing and Virtua Fighter What is Sega AM2?--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • expanded with a short description of AM2
• I'd add more information on why the Mega-CD sold poorly. Sources can be found on its own FA page.--Megaman en m (talk) 15:16, 20 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I would know, I wrote that FA ;) . What's held me back is that I'm trying to divvy this up with History of Sega, a spinout I created because Sega's history is so long (so much so, in fact, that editing the Sega page was significantly lagging my computer before I spun it out.) If you feel it's important here, that's fine, but just wanted you to consider that as well.

Should be caught up on your notes so far. Keep 'em coming! I like how in depth we're getting with the prose. Red Phoenix ^talk 22:36, 20 August 2019 (UTC)

My "spot-checking" has just turned into me reviewing the paragraphs backwards. Going through "Entry into the game console market (1982–1989)".

• arcade manufacturing organization How about arcade manufacturer? Actually, what does this mean exactly, the manufacturing of arcade equipment? This whole phrase seems off to me.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Made it "arcade game manufacturing" - basically it's everything in North America about their business in manufacturing for arcades.
• This led to Sega's development of a computer, the SC-3000. This sentence feels... weird. They made a computer, alright then. Why not focus on the fact this was their first effort at breaking into the home market? It's also slightly misleading because the sentence before this one talked about home consoles, not computers.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • A lot of this got crossed up in re-research on SG-1000 - it's only come to light in the last few years that the SC-3000 actually came before SG-1000, so sources have differed a bit. I've untangled this a bit.
• Rebranded versions were released in several other markets worldwide. What are we talking about here? Rebranded versions of what?--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Of the SG-1000. Fixed
• Due in part to the SG-1000's steadier stream of releases, and to a recall on Famicom units by Nintendo... The two parts could be linked together more eloquently.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• The SC-3000 never gets brought up again, some more information on its fate would be nice.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Hard to say, really. Sega gets involved with some computers later, like Sega TeraDrive, but there's not a lot sourced out there.
• began to divest its secondary businesses Never seen this word before, can it be replaced with a more general one?--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • replaced with "sell off"
• Nakayama and Rosen arranged a management buyout of the Japanese subsidiary Ditto. Also, it seems to be a British English word.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I'm not sure which word here is concerning... nor which one might be BrE.
    • I was talking about management buyout.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:38, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
      • So, I did a bit of looking and according to our encyclopedia, at least, it's a business term for a type of acquisition. I've linked the article Management buyout to help with this.
• Isao Okawa, chairman of CSK, became chairman Repetition of chairman.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Changed to "head", but honestly I think that might be problematic - "chairman" is a title with a company.
• Sega developed its own games and obtained the rights to port games from other developers, but they did not sell well Slight ambiguity, which did not sell well, their own games or the ones they ported?--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Just removed "which did not sell well" - not sure it's that relevant when we cover the console sales below.
• ineffective marketing by Tonka Who or what is Tonka?--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed. It's an American toy company, famous for bright yellow toy trucks
• The Master System has had continued success in Brazil, where new versions continue to be released, distributed by Sega's partner in the region, Tectoy. Inconsistent tense: "continue" is the only verb in the present tense. The sentence is also suffering a bit from comma overdose.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Split into two sentences to resolve both issues
• Its continuing success there makes the Master System the longest-lived console in history. Interesting fact, it would be even better if we had the number of years to back it up.--Megaman en m (talk) 14:37, 22 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Added one - had to get another source, because as much as Master System was released in 1986, September 1989 was when it hit Brazil.

Should be everything so far again. Red Phoenix ^talk 14:59, 22 August 2019 (UTC)

"Origins and arcade success":--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)

• coin-operated amusement machines I'm not sure what to picture here, a slot machine?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Uhm, yeah, but more than that. The source notes it includes slot machines, but not specific otherwise at this time frame. I did expand this a little to try and tackle that. Gun games were popular, according to Light gun shooter they go back as far as the 30s, and we know at least later on that Sega imported this too, as well as jukeboxes and pinball machines. That's mentioned later on.
• established Service Games Panama to control its various entities. Needs more clarification.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done, by specifying to control the entities of Service Games worldwide
• was first used in 1954 on the Diamond Star, a slot machine. I'd introduce the slot machine part first and then further specify its name.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Service Games of Japan was dissolved on May 31, 1960. Any specific reason why?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • I expanded it but I'm not sure I like the text I added - I tried to be more specific in History of Sega. The source indicates that Service Games was charged off and on with all sorts of charges, such as tax evasion, coercion, and bribery. They hadn't been convicted of anything to my knowledge, but were barred from U.S. air bases in 1960, which was where they were focused on doing business. The source states that the notoriety of all of this forced Martin Bromley to rearrange his companies, and that's where the two new Japanese companies came from.
• which between them purchased all of Service Games of Japan's assets Make this its own sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Kikai Seizō, doing business as Sega, Inc., focused on manufacturing slot machines, while Goraku Bussan, doing business under Stewart as Utamatic, Inc., served as a distributor and operator of coin-operated machines, particularly jukeboxes. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• two-minute photo booth business What does two-minute mean here?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Removed for now, but the sentiment was simply that it's essentially a photo booth where you get your photos right away - they take two minutes to make. Early photo booths took up to ten minutes to print your photos, but not to be confused with a photo studio where you'd get photographed and it'd take a while to develop them.
• The companies merged in 1964. Under which name?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • As Nihon Goraku Bussan. Fixed.
• [it] moved its focus from slot machines to become... I would expect the sentence construction to be "moved its focus from x to x". The "become" doesn't flow well.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Rearranged.

• Because Sega imported second-hand machines that required frequent maintenance, it began constructing replacement guns and flippers for its imported games, beginning the transition from importer to manufacturer. Split in two.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done

• the Europe The Europe?--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • That's really weird... didn't see that one before. Done.

• ...for the next two years produced and exported... Readd the subject (Sega/they).--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • Done.

• Esco Boueki (Esco Trading), founded and owned by Hayao Nakayama Is that a company? What does the text in the parenthesis mean, just a translation? I'd just introduce the company in its original name and state what it was known for.--Megaman en m (talk) 21:35, 31 August 2019 (UTC)
  • It is a company. Done.

We are caught up again. Red Phoenix ^talk 03:49, 1 September 2019 (UTC)

"Dreamcast and continuing struggles (1998–2001)":

• The dreamcast technically gets introduced in the previous section. It would still be nice to have it get a proper introduction in its own section (such as saying what console came before it, etc.)--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)

• Despite taking massive losses on the Saturn, including a 75 percent drop in half-year profits just before the Japanese launch of the Dreamcast, Sega felt confident about its new system. Can be simplified.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Sega announced that Sonic Adventure, the next game starring company mascot Sonic the Hedgehog, would arrive in time for the Dreamcast launch and promoted the game with a large-scale public demonstration at the Tokyo Kokusai Forum Hall. Split sentence. Also what is meant by "arrive in time"?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Rearranged. "Arrive in time" would in this context basically mean be ready to be released at launch.
• However, Sega could not achieve its shipping goals When was it expected to ship originally?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Not a matter of when, but of how many. Fixed.
• New Arcade Operation Machine Idea (NAOMI) arcade board, which served as a cheaper alternative to the Sega Model 3 Needs an explanation of what an arcade board actually is.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Linked arcade system board here.
• allowing nearly identical home conversions of arcade games. A bit inconsistent. This is the first mention of the phrase "home conversion", even though porting was already mentioned before, with a wikilink too.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Changed to "port"
• The Dreamcast launched in Japan on November 27, 1998 at a price of JP¥29,000, and the entire stock sold out by the end of the day. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed
• and the entire stock sold out by the end of the day It should be mentioned here how many were sold, not later.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Irimajiri hoped to sell over 1 million Dreamcast units in Japan by February 1999, but less than 900,000 were sold, undermining Sega's attempts to build up a sufficient installed base to ensure the Dreamcast's survival after the arrival of competition from other manufacturers. Too long of a sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Split
• On August 11, 1999, Sega of America confirmed that Stolar had been fired,[142] leaving Peter Moore, whom Stolar had hired as a Sega of America executive only six months before,[143] to direct the launch. Split sentence.
  • Split
• which Sega dubbed "9/9/99 for $199". What did they dub? The day? Launch? Was it a slogan?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
• Eighteen launch games were available Eighteen games were available on launch.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Fixed
• ...produced defective GD-ROMs Needs more explanation as to what this is. What problems did these defective units have exactly?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Added more from the source
• Sega released the Dreamcast in Europe on October 14, 1999,[153] at £200. What about the price in euros?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Question - The price in euros is not in the source. But, I've seen money conversion templates before. Do you know of one that could convert pounds to euros in their year 2000 values?
    • I don't know, but maybe take a look at template:inflation.
• While Sega sold 500,000 units in Europe by Christmas 1999,[132] sales did not continue at this pace, and by October 2000, Sega had sold only about 1 million units in Europe. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Split
• Dreamcast launch Dreamcast's launch.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Sony still held 60 percent of the overall market share in North America with the PlayStation Simplify to "Sony's playStation".--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Sony revealed the first details of its "next generation PlayStation", which Ken Kutaragi claimed would allow video games to convey "unprecedented emotions".[157][158] The same year, Nintendo announced that its next generation console would meet or exceed anything on the market, and Microsoft began development of its own console, the Xbox. How is this relevant to Sega?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • I took out the description Kutaragi put in. The rest is relevant in that it introduces that the Dreamcast had heavy competition coming.
• Poor Japanese sales contributed to Sega's ¥42.88 billion ($404 million) consolidated net loss in the fiscal year ending March 2000, which followed a similar loss of ¥42.881 billion the previous year and marked Sega's third consecutive annual loss Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Although Sega's overall sales for the term increased 27.4 percent, and Dreamcast sales in North America and Europe greatly exceeded the company's expectations, this increase coincided with a decrease in profitability due to the investments required to launch the Dreamcast in Western markets and poor software sales in Japan. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• this increase coincided with a decrease in profitability --Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• While the PS2's October 26 U.S. launch Doesn't read well. Also why is the PlayStation 2 abbreviated here?--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)
• The PSone, a remodeled version of the original PlayStation, was the best-selling console in the U.S. at the start of the 2000 holiday season. Not sure if this is relevant.--Megaman en m (talk) 13:26, 18 September 2019 (UTC)

"Shift to third-party software development (2001–2003)"

• Okawa replaced Irimajiri as president of Sega No full name?--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • I had it above (Master System section), but it's far enough down I duplicated it.
• meeting with Sega's Japanese executives and the heads of its major Japanese game studios Hard to read, also the sentence it's a part of is too long.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Split and rephrased
• Sega announced a change of name We were mentioning specific names before this, not it's just "sega". I'd say something like "The company's name change from..."--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Clarified
• Sega stated in a release that this was to display its commitment to network-based entertainment I don't understand what network-based entertainment means, nor how this new name reflects that.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • I'm not really sure what they meant, either, but that's what the English translation of their statement says - and they provided the translation, not Google. I decided to use the exact words they did and put it in quotes.
• Nihon Keizai Shimbun It should be mentioned that this is a newspaper. Also it's "shinbun", not "shimbun".--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• The decision was Moore's. This sentence seems like an afterthought. I'd either incorporate it into a previous sentence, or remove it.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • I just cut this for now - might slip in a quote from Moore later. Not sure if it's that important since we already stated that Moore recommended the console be dropped
• After a further reduction to $79, the Dreamcast was cleared out of stores at $49.95. Wait, so how much did it cost in the end?--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Clarified
• died on March 16, 2001; Period here.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Added
• Overuse of the verb "announce" in the third paragraph.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Removed 1-2 occurrences
• Sato and COO Tetsu Kamaya COO?--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • COO linked to Chief operating officer
• due to size issues, the game was reduced to a smaller four player version and released in North America in 2003 the "due to size issues" should come at the end, or removed.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• Trading card game machineswere introduced Space. Also who introduced them?--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• further enhanced it with ALL.Net Explain what this is in the article.--Megaman en m (talk) 18:01, 19 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done

@Megaman en m: Caught up again. Red Phoenix ^talk 01:20, 25 September 2019 (UTC)

Sammy takeover and business expansion (2003–2015)

• Sammy primary owner Hajime Satomi Hajime Satomi, primary owner of Sammy,...--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased a bit
• by purchasing a controlling share in Sega Corporation Shouldn't it be purchase a share of?--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Not sure, but went with it anyway.
• Sega Sammy Holdings, an entertainment conglomerate, was created. Rephrase this sentence, it doesn't feel complete.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• , and wanted to diversify No need for a comma.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• games from smaller Japanese game developers and localizations of Western games Switch these two around, so that the bigger phrase is on the right.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Reworked entirely.
• Sega had plans of co-operating with John Woo on video games Is it mentioned what this co-operation would have entailed?--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • There's only a bit of detail, but I added some more.
• In amusement arcades, Sega's most successful games, such as Sangokushi Taisen and Border Break, continued to be based on network and card systems Reads badly. Rewrite it with less commas.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Reworded
• After the buyout, Sega implemented a corporate spin-off with Index, and rebranded its game assets as Atlus, a wholly owned subsidiary of Sega. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Rephrased
• The Western lineup consisted of emulations of games and pay-to-play apps, which were eventually overshadowed by more social and free-to-play games, leading to 19 older mobile games being pulled due to quality concerns in May 2015. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Done
• more social and free-to-play games What exactly are "social games"?--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
  • Struck for simplicity
• The Western lineup consisted of emulations of games and pay-to-play apps Lineup -> Line-up. Also this isn't saying much; are there any examples?--Megaman en m (talk) 16:21, 25 September 2019 (UTC)
• Over the course of the existence of Sega Sammy Holdings to 2015 Is this sentence comparing an event with a year? That's pretty odd. Either have both of them be a year or have both of them be an event.
  • Done

"Restructuring (2015–present)"

• Sega Holdings Co., Ltd. was established, with four business sectors under its organization under its control? name?--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)

• Following a 70 percent fall in profits for the 2018 fiscal year in comparison to the previous year, despite a 35 percent increase in the sale of console games and success in its PC game business, Sega announced that it would focus on releases for its existing intellectual property instead of new ones. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)

"Corporate structure"

• Sega's main headquarters is in Shinagawa-ku, Tokyo, Japan. Additionally, Sega has offices in Irvine, California as Sega of America, and in London as Sega Europe,[238] as well as in Seoul, South Korea as Sega Publishing Korea[239] and in Singapore, Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Taipei. Overuse of "and". I'd split this up.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)

"Subsidiaries of Sega Holdings Co., Ltd."

• After the formation of the Sega Group structure in 2015 Structure is a strange word to use here.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)
• In 2015, Sega and the Japanese advertising agency Hakuhodo, formed a joint venture Second comma not needed.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)
• with the purpose of creating branded entertainment for film and TV What is meant by branded entertainment?--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)

"Software research and development"

• Some games produced by Sega, such as those from Sega Technical Institute from 1991 to 1996, and games produced by Sega's subsidiary companies in the Dreamcast era, have been recognized for their creativity. This is a pretty fluffy sentence. Who recognized these games, and what was so creative about them?--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)
• Sega's software research and development teams originated with one development division operating under Sega's longtime head of R&D, Hisashi Suzuki. "originated with one development division" reads weirdly.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)
• As the market increased for home video game consoles, Sega expanded with three Consumer Development (CS) divisions, while after October 1983, arcade development expanded to three teams: Sega DD#1, 2, and 3. Split sentence.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)
• The legacy section doesn't have anything that springs out to me.--Megaman en m (talk) 19:36, 5 October 2019 (UTC)

Notes From Indrian

A few thoughts to start:

• Despite this, Sega ceased exporting games around 1970." Why? (Spoiler alert: it was due to rampant cloning by American companies)
  • Yup, I put it in History of Sega. I'll move it over tonight when I have access to a better computer.
• "In 1969, Sega was sold to American conglomerate" Passive voice. Instead do something like "Bromley et al sold Sega"
  • Rephrased. This was my fault; a copyeditor changed it to "Rosen sold Sega" and I knew that wasn't quite accurate.
• "Nakayama was placed in charge of Sega's Japanese operations" This is not quite right, but the truth is a bit pedantic. Nakayama was made one of two EVPs of Sega. He had complete control over R&D, Sales, and Marketing, while the other EVP controlled finance and Administration. Nakayama became president of the whole company later (1982 I think). Not all of that needs to be reflected in the article, but a different word choice might be more accurate.
  • Changed to "given a role in Sega's Japanese operations".
• There is a lot of important arcade history missing in the article. Hang On and Out Run led a revolution in coin-op with their motion cabinets and became international best-sellers that helped revive the industry after the crash in 1982-84. Virtua Fighter is essentially an afterthought despite its importance both in the arcade and the home (the release of Virtua Fighter ironically benefited Sony greatly because it convinced skeptical third-party publishers that 3D technology was a lot further along than they realized) and Daytona USA is not mentioned at all. Mushiking was an important game in the continuing success of Japanese Game Centers in the mid 2000s.
  • Ah yes, this is what I've been hoping I might hear from you - what I was missing and couldn't see. Arcade history has been the toughest part for me to compile, understanding what's important and what isn't because there aren't really good retrospectives out there. This will take a bit of time, but I'll get to work on it.
    • Okay, I put some effort into this. It turns out I did most of this for History of Sega already, but I had to add more about Out Run and shape it all correctly. The only thing I didn't mention is Virtua Fighter as an "afterthought" just because I don't have a source for that. On another plus, my work on Daytona USA (video game) was good enough I felt confident to send it to GAN as a result of the article being mentioned here. Red Phoenix ^talk 15:21, 5 September 2019 (UTC)
• "At E3 1997, he publicly announced that "The Saturn is not our future." So this has really been twisted and overblown over the years. The full interview can be seen at https://twitter.com/CGQuarterly/status/1160678661726433280. Stolar states that the company is supporting Saturn and will continue to support Saturn but that the company is already working on its next hardware. When he says "the Saturn is not our future," he is only stating the obvious that Sega will move on to a more powerful system in time. Did he spill the beans too soon? Maybe, but probably not considering the Saturn was a distant third and unlikely to suddenly start selling in huge quantities.
  • Yeah, I'm so tired of seeing the OR that called it part of the Osbourne effect and had to strip that out a while ago. I agree it's overblown; if I still don't have the tone quite right, I'll have another look (hopefully later tonight) and see if I can tone it down further. I'll have to check out the interview if only because it sounds like a cool thing to watch, being someone who's pretty well invested into Sega research by now.
    • I took a shot at dampening the tone here; I think the quote is important only because you'll see it all over the internet, but hopefully this will help put it into context? If it's not enough, I'd have to figure out how to work it in, but I have another quote from Stolar about how the company was "bleeding cash", which led him to want to start over with a new team.
• Should there really be a legacy section? That's common in video game articles, but not so much in company articles. Wikipedia has very few company FAs, but they do not appear to feature legacy sections that I can see.
  • I actually think in this case, there's a really good argument for it. For starters, it's talked about in reliable sources. How many companies get reception on how the company as a whole has performed both financially and in culture? It's a neutrally worded section (I believe, I've done my best to include the good and the bad with proper due weight). How many companies actually have "legacies" like video game companies do, when there's been so much media about them? The number of retrospectives written about Sega should say just how much of a legacy the company has left. I've read the company articles that are FAs, and I don't feel they're consistent at all, which tells me the rules Sega has to follow to conform with article structure are more loose and more open to interpretation than in most areas. Unless I get told it's a bad idea, I think it's actually a really good one, and maybe one more company-based articles might take on in the future.

More later (probably). Indrian (talk) 18:27, 20 August 2019 (UTC)

Indrian, thank you as always for your helpful feedback. I do hope you get the chance to leave more; I do understand that you are busy with real life projects often. Red Phoenix ^talk 23:03, 20 August 2019 (UTC)

@Megaman en m: and @Indrian: - I hope to hear more from both of you soon. Indrian, as a side note while I'm working on research on some of Sega's arcade games to address your in-depth concern, I found enough about Daytona USA to start working on that article and clean it up. I'll be working on the research as time allows, and it won't go back to FAC until I'm done. Red Phoenix ^talk 15:37, 30 August 2019 (UTC)

@Megaman en m: I hate to trouble you, but are you able to continue? I've really appreciated the detailed prose review; it's what this article really needs before another FAC run. Red Phoenix ^talk 02:14, 18 September 2019 (UTC)

Thank you to Megaman en m and Indrian for the great amount of help. The thorough copyedit has been very helpful, and I feel much better about the prose at this point. I have addressed all notes and at this point feel comfortable enough to close this review and renominate at FAC. Thank you. Red Phoenix ^talk 22:55, 5 October 2019 (UTC)