Wikipedia:Peer review/Suharto/archive1

Suharto

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… While I know this is article is not quite ready for FAC, I'd like some outside eyes to advise on what could be done to improve. One shortcoming which I will work on soon is that perhaps the material on his presidency is not as strong as the pre-presidency material. Thanks, Merbabu (talk) 14:17, 2 April 2010 (UTC)

• Lead needs rejigging but not sure exactly how yet until I read the article. The main thing is the lead needn't follow the flow of the body of the article. Casliber (talk · contribs) 08:36, 12 April 2010 (UTC)

• I know little about him, so am not the best to comment confidently on comprehensiveness.

• Peta is in lowercase in one place, and in all caps elsewhere.

• If you can, try and minimise the use of "Suharto" - yes I know this is difficult :)

• the Operational Command for the Restoration of Security and Order (Kopkamtib) and the State Intelligence Coordination Agency (BAKIN) - why is one in italics and the other not (and capitalised)? - looks funny

• Imperial units needed in the Investigations of wealth section.

Brianboulton comments:

First, numerous problems with external links:-

• Ref. 76: Link broken
• Ref. 86: Link broken
• General ref, Amnesty International 27.11.96| link does not go to the required article
• Ref. 75: Repeated timeouts
• Ref. 81: Repeated timeouts
• General ref, "Public Expenditure, Prices and the Poor": Repeated timeouts

On prose, I am not sure that I will be able to give attention to the full text, but I can help to get the lead in shape.

• The lead should be a broad summary of the content of the article, but should avoid specific detail. Thus, for example, information such as that Suharto was born in a small village, that his parents divorced and that he was reared by various foster-parents, should appear in the main text of the article but these details are not required in the lead. Likewise the "one name" information in the final paragraph.
• The first paragraph of the lead should not simply give the fact that Suharto was the second President of Indonesia, but should add a sentence giving the most salient features of his presidency. This can be done by using some of the information that appears later in the lead. The sort of additional sentence I have in mind might read: "For much of Suharto's presidency Indonesia experienced significant economic growth and better living standards, but his record was undermined by the costly 24-year occupation of East Timor, by increasing authoritarianism, and by allegations of corruption. These factors led to Suharto's resignation in 1998, amid rising popular unrest." (This is offered as an example of what I think is needed; you don't have to adopt it word for word.)
• In any event, the first sentence needs to be amended: "having held the office" should be "holding the office"; Sukharno needs to be linked: also, "Sukarno's removal" is a bit terse - perhaps extend to "his predecessor Sukarno's removal from office".
• The first paragraph could then read thus:-

Suharto^ⓘ (8 June 1921 – 27 January 2008) was the second President of Indonesia, holding the office for 32 years from 1967 following his predecessor Sukarno's removal from office. For much of Suharto's presidency Indonesia experienced significant economic growth and better living standards, but his record was undermined by the costly 24-year occupation of East Timor, by increasing authoritarianism, and by allegations of corruption. These factors, and rising popular unrest, led to his resignation in 1998.

• It would of course be necessary to reorganise the lead prose to take account of the above.
• I notice that some of the statements in the lead have been cited. These facts would probably be better cited when they occur in the main text. There doesn't seem to be a logical reason why at the moment some lead statements are cited and others not.

That's all I can provide at the moment. The article certainly looks promising on the basis of a fairly swift look-through, though it needs to be read by someone with more knowledge of Indonesian history and politics than I possess. When/if the opportunity arises I will try to return with further suggestions.

Brianboulton (talk) 18:51, 13 April 2010 (UTC)