Wikipedia:Peer review/The Brute Man/archive1

The Brute Man

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I plan to submit it for FA, and would like a thorough review of the prose before doing so. I'm also seeking any other suggestions that might be helpful for the FAC process. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 20:14, 24 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is an interesting account of a bad movie, and it seems comprehensive, well-organized, and generally quite good. Still, the article needs proofing to clean up small errors, typos, and lacunae. I fixed a few, and I note quite a few more in the list below. I read carefully through "Casting", then proceeded more quickly without line-by-line commentary. I likely missed some proofing errors in the lower sections.

Lead

• "the Creeper holds responsible for his deformities" - Maybe "blames" instead of "holds responsible" to avoid repetition of "holds responsible", which is used in the first sentence.

• "Jane Adams also starred as a blind pianist... " - "Stars" rather than "starred" to maintain present tense parallel to "holds" and "features"?

• "near the end of their horror film period" - Would it be good to include the date range here?

• "the back story" - One word instead of two? You use "backstory" in the "Writing" section. Also, link to Back-story?

• "whose facial features were the result of acromegaly" - Tighten slightly to "whose facial features resulted from acromegaly"?

Plot

• "The police investigate a string of murders committed by known as the Creeper... " - Word or words missing?

• "Joan screams hysterically at the sight... " - Bemis rather than Joan?

• "Unable to see the Creeper's deformed face, Helen... " - Paige rather than Helen?

• "The cantankerous store-owner Mr. Haskins (Oscar O'Shea) arrives with a hand-written letter... " - Unclear. Does he arrive with the letter, or does he find the letter upon arriving at the store? Or does "door" refer to a door at Mr. Haskins' house?

• "Jimmy brings the groceries to the dock" - Maybe "takes" rather than "brings". The flow seems more natural from store to dock than to jump to the dock and imagine Jimmy coming toward it.

• "Donnelly also finds a newspaper clipping with a man named Hal Moffet and two of his friends, Clifford Scott (Tom Neal) and Virginia Rogers (Jan Wiley), during their college days." - Unclear. Maybe "newspaper clipping with a photograph of"?

• "The police visit Clifford and Virginia" - Should this be Scott and Rogers? Last names rather than first? Ditto for other first names later in this section?

• "Clifford walks by the window" - "Walked" to maintain the past tense of the narrative? Ditto for "hurls" in the next sentence. It should be "hurled", I think. And "disfigured" rather than "disfigures". However, the next sentence correctly switches back to present tense ("Donnelly speculates... ") because it's the present tense of the narrative.

• "Reluctantly, she agrees to help them capture them." - Replace second "them" with "him"?

• "they were the result of exposure to mustard gas" - Tighten to "they resulted from exposure to mustard gas"?

• "share a similar premise and dialogue as the scenes" - "With the scenes" instead of "as the scenes"?

• "the protagonist is shunned by society based on their physical appearance" - "Protagonist" is singular, but "their" is plural. Maybe "his"? Ditto for several uses of "their" in subsequent sentences.

Casting

• "Hatton had abnormally enlarged and shaped bones on his head and hands" - "In" rather than "on"? Or maybe "Hatton's head and hand bones were abnormally large and oddly shaped"?

• "Neal began to became known... " - Began to "be" rather than began to "became"?

• I'll stop with the line-by-line comments at this point. You'll almost certainly want to ask someone to proof the rest for similar kinds of small errors.

• Distribution
• "The sale was also perpetuated... " - "Perpetuated" is the wrong word. Do you mean "motivated" or "prompted" or "influenced"?

• "The sale occurred so quickly and hastily on the copyright files stores at the Library of Congress... " - Is that where the sale occurred?

Images

• File:RondoHatton.JPG needs a fair-use rationale for its use in this particular article.

• File:The rocketeer lothar.jpg displaces an edit button on my computer screen and overlaps two sections by about two lines. Shortening the caption slightly would probably fix this. So might making the image slightly smaller.

"Other

• The dab tool at the top of this review page finds one link (Jane Adams) that goes to a disambiguation page instead of its intended target.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 21:04, 6 December 2010 (UTC)