Wikipedia:Peer review/The Last Castle/archive2

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The Last Castle[edit]

Previous peer review
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
The Last Castle was a very good movie starring Robert Redford and James Gandolfini. The article has been through a lot of improvements. From merely a plot of the film to a comprehensive, encyclopedic article with ratings, production and reviews information. There has been a recent peer review where all issues were addressed and now I'm listing it again for the last time before a GA nomination. Thank you for your reviews.--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 13:17, 21 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

  • I hope to comment more later, but at first glance, the "Plot" section seems a bit long at over 800 words. Per WP:FILMPLOT, it should be between 400 and 700 words (and this is not a complex-narrative film like Pulp Fiction). Try to capture the broad strokes of the film rather than give a blow-by-blow account of the events. If you need help with this, let me know. —Erik (talk • contrib) 18:03, 23 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I shortened it a bit. Don't know however how I should shorten this more.--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 18:20, 23 April 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is a good start, but the article still needs is a complete top-to-bottom copyedit. I fixed a dozen or so minor proofing errors through the beginning of the "Cinematography" section, which is where I stopped. Here are some specific suggestions for improvement.

  • The movie title and the names of newspapers need to be italicized throughout. I fixed a few of these, but I see several others in the main text and in the citations.

Lead

  • "grossing a total of $27,642,707 worldwide" - Maybe "about $28 million" would be better here just to make the number easier to comprehend. The infobox could keep the exact number.
  • " Clifton Collins Junior was also nominated... " - Drop the "also" since he hasn't been mentioned before this?
  • Wikilink Clifton Collins, Jr.?
done--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 06:12, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Plot

  • Unlink "maximum security", which is probably self-evident in its general meaning?
  • Wikilink Burundi?
  • "Irwin insults the prison's warden, Colonel Winter (James Gandolfini), regarding his extensive collection of military memorabilia and overall competence, he is visibly angry and his previous admiration for the General turns immediately to animosity." - Run-on sentence. This could be fixed by using a terminal period after "competence" and starting the next sentence with "Winter is visibly angry... ". Also, "general" should be lower-case. It's only capitalized when part of a formal title as in "General Irwin".
  • "that the prison guards would utilize during an actual uprising" - The Manual of Style suggests "use" instead of "utilize".
  • "that is the trump card for the guards in case of a riot" - Slang. Suggestion: "that is the guards' biggest weapon during a riot"
  • "The prisoners call the Generals head quarters and inform them that there is a riot" - Four problems here. "General's" gets an apostrophe since it's possessive. It should also be lower-case, "general's". Headquarters is one word rather than two. Instead of "them", this should be "him".
done--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 06:12, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Production

  • "with exemption from the state's 6% state sales tax" - The Manual of Style suggests spelling out "percent" in simple cases like this one.
  • "The vantage point at Colonel Winter's office with a large picture framed window, allowing the warden to survey the actions of the inmates, was also built and designed for the production." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "Also needed was an office with a large window through which the warden could watch the inmates."
  • "Director Rod Lurie insisted on having the prisoners' cells facing each other, which is not the case in the Tennessee State Prison, and had therefore a set built by Production Designer Kirk Petruccelli in a warehouse near the prison." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "Director Rod Lurie insisted on having the prisoners' cells face each other, which they do not at the Tennessee State Prison. To solve the problem, Kirk Petruccelli, the production designer, created cells in a warehouse near the prison."
done--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 06:12, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Cinematography

  • "or power in contrast to the robbed colors from the yard which does not signify strength" - What is a "robbed" color?
robbed means probably washed out. This is what the costume designer used in his description of the choice of color.--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 06:12, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 00:46, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

  • Further Finetooth comments:You asked me to take a second look. At a glance, I can see that the article still needs copyediting. I no longer have time to do complete copyedits, but it would be worthwhile to track down someone to help with this. For instance, I see that the film or series titles such as The Sopranos are still not in italics, and neither are the many names of newspapers. These all need to be fixed, not just the couple I fixed by way of example. Also, after reading your explanation above, I would suggest changing "robbed" to "washed-out", which I think readers will be more likely to understand. I would advise against nominating the article for GA until, at a minimum, the article has been cleaned up to make it clear and correct. Finetooth (talk) 19:59, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Thank you for the great review and I adressed the issues with the newspaper and washed-out part. After the first review I asked some Users to help in the copyedit however not much attention was received. I tried myself to copyedit a bit but because I'm the one who added most of the information I don't have a neutral view and can't see something that much wrong with the grammar and language of the article. Plus because English isn't my first language I have some difficulties finding the best way to phrase a sentence. Again thank you for your dedicated review.--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 20:42, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]
You are most welcome. It's hard to find good copyeditors, but you might try asking someone on the list at WP:PRV#General copyediting. Finetooth (talk) 20:52, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Another place to try is Wikipedia:WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors/Requests. Finetooth (talk) 20:57, 1 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]
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