Wikipedia:Peer review/Utah Girls Football League/archive1

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Utah Girls Football League[edit]

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I've listed this article for peer review because I have made a large portion of its contributions (I'm the page creator and the only one to edit it this year) so it would be beneficial to get a second set of eyes.

Thanks! ––FORMALDUDE(talk) 07:11, 17 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Some comments by Vilenski[edit]

  • The lede needs work - The Utah Girls Football League (Utah Girls Tackle Football League, UGTFL or GFL) is a nonprofit youth American football league.[1] - this first sentence is quite clunky. Try "The Utah Girls Football League (or Utah Girls Tackle Football League) is a youth American Football league." - you don't need all the acronyms in the lede sentence, and you don't need to link "youth" Best Wishes, Lee Vilenski (talk • contribs) 16:07, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
     Done ––FormalDude talk 23:56, 27 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • Founded in March 2015, the league is currently in its seventh season. - avoid items that are likely to go out of date, so "currently". You'd better off saying when it was founded, and then the dates of the first season. Best Wishes, Lee Vilenski (talk • contribs) 06:13, 15 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    The article uses a template that updates the number once it reaches its next season, so it won't go out of date. ––FormalDude talk 09:14, 15 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • grown continuously since its inception - bit WEASELy. Best Wishes, Lee Vilenski (talk • contribs) 06:13, 15 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    @Lee Vilenski: What is the best verbiage to relay the RS fact that the league has expanded since its creation? Or should this information be omitted altogether? ––FormalDude talk 23:58, 27 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • The league has over 400 girls on 24 teams; 35% of the girls are minorities. - this seems a bit promoy. The minorities bit is very out of place - why does this matter? Can't you just say that over the three divisions there are 24 teams, consisting of over 400 players? Best Wishes, Lee Vilenski (talk • contribs) 06:13, 15 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    It's demographical information that was reported in a reliable secondary source, so it seems like encyclopedic content to me. I don't really see it as being promotion or critical, it's just a statistic. On whether it matters, I think demographics are often relevant, and in this situation it gives the read more information of the makeup of the league. ––FormalDude talk 00:01, 28 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from CactiStaccingCrane (talk)[edit]

Hello, and I have edited the article a bit to weed out promotional tone. Here's the list of stuff that you can improve:

  • A lot of sources are primary. Since there is a lot of coverage on the topic, you might want to use secondary sources. Many information need citations as well.
    •  Partly done: There is some content that I'm having trouble finding non-primary sources for. I've tagged the content as such in the article. ––FormalDude talk 06:19, 5 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
  • You might want to mention the league's history and matches.
  • Some information, such as The Utah Girls Football League gained national acclaim when it started in 2015. It has seen nationwide news coverage. The league has received both praise and criticism. maybe need paraphrased to get rid of promotional tones. Quotes should be rephrased as well, and not italicized.
  • There are excessive capitalization. Consider removing them, example being Deputy Commissioner, Treasurer, Safety Coordinator, Marketing Coordinator, Web Developer, Coaching Coordinator, and League Secretary.
  • You might want to use neutral language on the article, replacing words such as ever, even taken, simply reported, etc. and remove vagueness/redundancy, such as ... who played and suffered a range of experiences ..., replace it with ... who played and suffered assault and exclusion.
  • Copyvio found, please fix this sentence now: In 2021, U.S. District Court Judge Howard Nielson ruled in favor of the defendants, stating that Utah school districts aren’t legally required to create a separate sport for girls interested in playing football because girls who want to play can play on teams usually filled by boys.

Comments by Z1720[edit]

@FormalDude: Are you still interested in getting comments for this article? If you are looking for more information to add to the article, I suggest looking in WP:LIBRARY, Google Scholar, or in databases provided by your local library system. Let me know if you have any questions. Z1720 (talk) 15:08, 16 November 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Closing note: I am closing this PR due to inactivity and the length of time it has been open. FormalDude can open a new PR once the above comments from other reviewers are resolved. Z1720 (talk) 18:41, 1 December 2021 (UTC)[reply]
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