Wikipedia:Peer review/Y./archive1

Y.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want another opinion about this article. It is about a new album by a Spanish songwriter named Bebe, that is why almost all the refs are in spanish language. I just created the article and I want all the feedback possible about it.

Thanks, Jaespinoza (talk) 08:27, 22 December 2009 (UTC)

I've made quite a few changes on the page and have left some notes on the article talk page and your talk page too. My only big suggestion is to remove much of the talk about each individual song and its meaning, and instead focus on the overall musical style and lyrical style of the singer in this album. Hope this helps. Please contact me (or reply here) if you have more questions. Mononomic (talk) 20:18, 2 January 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a good start, but the article needs the attention of an experienced copyeditor. I fixed a few minor glitches as I went, but much remains to be done, especially in the "lyrical style" section. Here are further suggestions for improvement.

• The dabfinder tool notes that "mix" is linked to a disambiguation page rather than the intended target.

Lead

• The word "released" is used three times in the opening paragraph. You might replace the second use with a different word for variety.
• "Recorded for almost a year period in Madrid and Cadiz, Spain," - The phrase "almost a year period" is a bit awkward. Perhaps "Recorded in Madrid and Cadiz, Spain, in 2008 and 2009... " would be better. .
• "Bebe wrote all the lyrics, including prevalent themes such as love, sex and self-respect." - Strictly speaking, love, sex, and self-respect are not themes. Suggestion: "Bebe wrote all the lyrics, which dealt mainly with love, sex and self-respect."
• "Y. received a Grammy Award nomination for Best Latin Rock, Alternative or Urban Album and was re-released in December 2009 on a double album edition, including the original songs and a separate album with B-sides and collaborations with Lucio Godoy, Luis Pastor, Pedro Guerra and Kultama." - How about "as a double album" rather than "on a double album edition"?

History

• "The album, as told by the singer... " - Perhaps "as described by the singer" rather than "as told by the singer"?
• "The album, as told by the singer, is a collection of 13 songs that pour into feelings and thoughts that are spinning." - How do song "pour"? Perhaps "13 songs about feelings and thoughts that are spinning"?

Recording

• "The entries in her notebook reflected on her thoughts about various emotions like sadness and sexual exploration." - Sexual exploration isn't an emotion. Also, the sentence could be tighter. Suggestion: "The entries in her notebook reflected her thoughts about sadness and sexual exploration." If something important is missing from the list of two, it would be better to mention it directly instead of saying "various".
• "In her personal blog, Bebe comments that the process of creating... " - Linking "blog" once in the article is enough; I'd unlink it here.

Musical and lyrical style

• "evolving into a subtle groove of reggae" - Wikilink reggae?
• "with lyrics open to an endless number of interpretations" - "Many" would be more accurate than "an endless number".
• ""Qué Mimporta" is an angry theme, sung in rap rhythm, with a more vibrant pace, almost funk on drums, to acquire more rock after a voltage which alternates with a more relaxed environments that maintain a swing." - This doesn't quite make sense as it stands. Do you mean "within a more relaxed environment that maintains a swing"? What is the meaning of "after a voltage"? Are you using the term metaphorically to mean "high-powered" or "vigorous", or do you literally mean that the band did something with the electricity running one or more of its instruments? I think the sentence could be revised to be more clear.
• ""Nostaré" begins with sounds of water drops and returns to deal with melancholy disappointment in love with a fine instrumental support led by Jean, looking for the simplest, most elemental, taking off any superfluous beat." - This also is a puzzling sentence. Perhaps breaking it in two would help; i.e., " 'Nostaré' begins with sounds of water drops and returns to deal with melancholy disappointment in love. Instrumental support led by Jean, using the simplest, most elemental beat, omits anything superfluous." I left the word "fine" out of this re-casting because it seems to be a judgment rather than a verifiable fact.
• "This jazz fusionated single is a look back... " - "Fusionated" is not a word. Do you mean "jazzy"?
• "In the guitar driven "Sinsentido", the singer recognizes the abuse that has given to her body over the years." - This sentence is not quite complete, and its meaning is unclear. What kind of abuse? Is she talking about normal aging, or does she mean physical or sexual abuse? Also, I would not link a common word like "body", familiar to virtually all English speakers. Ditto for words like "sea", "night", and so on that are linked later in this section.
• "Y., as told by the lyricist, is a combination of aggressive themes, insolent, with more gentle and delicate, form a scene of a lot of improvisation, which led the feelings flow." - This is not a coherent sentence.
• I'll stop at this point with my line-by-line review except to say that this section needs significant copyediting.

References

• Some of the citations are incomplete. My rule of thumb for Internet sources is to include author, title, publisher, date of publication, url, and most recent access date, if all of these are known. Citation 4, for example, should include the author, Julio Soria (Efe), and the date of publication, 26/06/2009, since they are given on the source page. The newspaper name (El Mundo") should be in italics, and I believe the publisher is Unidad Editorial Internet, S.L., in this case. It would be good to check the other citations for similar missing information.
• The date formatting within the citations should be consistent, either yyyy-mm-dd or m-d-y but not a mixture. Since Spain is the main country in the article, you might consider using d-m-y formatting rather than m-d-y here and in the main text as well.
• What makes each of the dot-coms reliable sources?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:20, 3 January 2010 (UTC)