Wikipedia:Peer review/Zanzibar Revolution/archive1

Zanzibar Revolution

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I have listed this article for PR as I recently withdrew it from a shortlived FAC nomination after it was pointed out that it would be worthwhile listing it here first. In particular I am looking for improvements to the article prose and perhaps a review of the images (with an eye on fair use) in addition to any other areas where it is deficient. Many thanks - Dumelow (talk) 19:27, 15 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments: I've been having a lot of trouble accessing wikipedia pages today, so I've not finished the review yet - the rest will come tomorrow, hopefully. As I've worked through I have done some minor copyedits. Here's the review so far.

• Lead
  • "...frustrated by the lack of representation in Parliament" - I think this should be "frustrated by under-representation" rather than lack
  • I think the revolution "began", rather than "occurred" early in the morning of 12 June
  • "...which led to a poor reception from the Western Powers". This is rather vague phrasing. I suggest: "...which caused consternation among the Western Powers"
  • "several plans were drawn up for military intervention..." By whom?
  • "Instead" is not appropriate here. "Meanwhile" would suit better.
  • "The event ended 200 years of Arab domination". You need to clarify which event, the revolution or the merger?

Many thanks for starting the review, I have made several changes to the lead section which should hopefully address the issues you have brought up, cheers - Dumelow (talk) 12:34, 21 February 2009 (UTC)

• Origins
  • "Since 1911 at had been ruled as a constitutional monarchy under Sultan Jamshid bin Abdullah". This needs rephrasing - I don't think Jamshid bin Abdullah had been ruling for 53 years.
  • You say Zanzibar was "controlled" by the British government. Could you clarify somewhere what the formal relationship was with the British government before the revolution?
  • "fired" is not encyclopedic. Try "dismissed".

I think I have sorted out this section as well - Dumelow (talk) 12:51, 21 February 2009 (UTC)

• Revolution: no particular comment at the moment
• Aftermath
  • Opening sentence: "To temporarily govern post-revolution Zanzibar..." etc - this whole sentence sounds very awkward. I suggest a reorganisation: "The ASP and the Umma party established a Revolutionary Council to act as an interim government"
  • Fourth para first sentence, slight rearrangement: "However, Okello formed a paramilitary unit from his own supporters, known as the Freedom Military Force (FMF), which..." etc
  • Another awkward sentence: "The People's Liberation Army (PLA) was formed by the government in April..." etc. I thik this would be better as "In April the government formed the ... (PLA) and completed the disarmament of Okello's remaining troops".
  • "...had negotiated to enter into a union with..." is a bit wordy. "had negotiated a union with..." would do just as well.

Thanks, this part has now been sorted - Dumelow (talk) 12:28, 22 February 2009 (UTC)

Thast's as far as it goes for the moment. More tomorrow. Brianboulton (talk) 00:11, 21 February 2009 (UTC)

Continuing

• Foreign reaction
  • The American ambassador authorised an evacuation..." Clarify this is an evacuation of American nationals
  • "...due to the fact that" is wordy. Try "because"
  • The sentence beginning "There was evidence that Zanzibar was aligning itself..." etc needs rewording for clarity. I suggest: "The fact that the new Zanzibar government was the first from Africa to recognise the German Democratic Republic and North Korea was taken by the Western Powers as evidence that Zanzibar was aligning itself closely with the communist bloc."
  • "In Crosthwait's opinion this contributed..." Specify what contributed - I imagine it's the late recognition of Zanzibar by the West, but this must be clarified.
• British military response
  • Second para, second line mentions "Tanzania". Wasn't it still Tanganyika at this point?
  • "the ASDP moderates" might be better phrased as "the more moderate ASP"
• General point. I have done a fair bit of minor copyediting, mainly the insertion of necessary punctuation. This was a particularly weak point in the prose. It no doubt needs further attention as I haven't checked thoroughly.

I hope that you find this review useful. Brianboulton (talk) 01:05, 22 February 2009 (UTC)

• • Once again, thanks for doing the review. I have now addressed all of the points you brought up in the article and will take a look through it with regards to the punctuation. I should point out that User:EyeSerene has recently done a fairly intensive CE of the article so much of the recent improvement is down to his efforts. Cheers - Dumelow (talk) 15:30, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
    • Still underway (other commitments means it's a bit stop/start) :P EyeSerene^talk 16:57, 24 February 2009 (UTC)