Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Ashley Callie

Ashley Callie

This article has been rated as a Start class for some time now, and I'd like to improve it. I feel that there are ample references, and ample detail about her life, and the pending court case (Which I will update again towards the end of the month when the case is due to be heard). Basically, I'd like to know why it's still on Start, and what can be done to improve it. GrahamDo (talk) 08:44, 5 November 2008 (UTC)

Review by Anne Teedham

I reclassified Ashley Callie to B-Class, because it contains sufficient detail in order to meet that classification, however I found it necessary to make several major copyedit corrections (for grammar, phrasing, and spelling). I stopped mid-way through in order to allow you to see the difference between your writing and my reading. Your prose is difficult: you tack dangling phrases to the end of sentences. In addition, you use slang expressions such as "up until".

Passive writing (or writing with the use of phrasing such as "was driving" or "was on her way" should be avoided. Rather, active verbs work more to a writer's benefit. For instance, On 8 February 2008, at around 22:30 SAST, Ashely Callie drove her Smart Car into a red Renault on the corner of 4th Avenue and Tana road (in Linden).^[3][13] Callie was on her way home from the Pirelli Calendar launch in Hyde Park.

On the whole, I would say that your prose needs a good copyeditor before you seek further evaluation.

Lastly, I believe that your use of the cquote may look better using one of the "bordered and backgrounded" examples seen HERE. However, unless there is a real significant reason for the pull quote style, you may find that other editors will find this stylizing excessive, unnecesary, and less preferable than a simple blockquote, or a simple, straight-line quote. Anne Teedham (talk) 15:47, 17 November 2008 (UTC)

Hi, Anne. I really appreciate all the time you took on this article. Thank you! :) I have reviewed your changes, and I agree with all of them. Passive voice is something I have a problem with, and I realise I need to work on in all my writings (see, there I go again!). :p If I'm not careful, I find myself slipping into that way of writing and speaking. I will think about your suggestions for the quoting. I didn't like the simple <blockquote></blockquote>; I thought it looked too "plain", and felt that cquote looked better. I like the Quote box2 template though, and will definitely consider it. Thank you! GrahamDo (talk) 05:55, 18 November 2008 (UTC)

more

I am sorry, but I feel that the image of the driver of the second car serves little purpose in this article, and probably will cause more WP:BLP issues than the image is worth. Therefore, I removed it. Additionally, I believe that the facts surrounding the accident should be discontinued for similar reasons. (Personally, I feel that you should exercise a more conservative approach to the driver of the second car by referring to him as the driver of the second car, rather than naming him. Thus, I made that change for you.) I believe that you may find a close reading of WP:BLP and WP:NOT two articles worth consulting. (I also removed a great number of wikilinks because Wikipedia does not have articles for those wikilinks, nor will some of those wikilinks ever reach status of Wikipedia notability requirement. I hope you will give serious thought to the discontinuance of the cquote. Anne Teedham (talk) 18:16, 18 November 2008 (UTC)

I've put Pretorius' photo back, and re-named him. I feel it's not a BLP issue, because there is no doubt whether he was the driver of the second car, but only whether he was culpable. Thus I think the photo is quite relevant. I have named him in the introduction only, and everywhere else he is referred to only as "the driver." I hope this is an acceptable compromise. I've created a section on the talk page for this to be discussed further.

As per the cquote issue, I find the normal quotes far too plain, as I wanted them to stand out. After thinking about the quote box 2, I'm afraid it might actually be too gaudy. :( Haven't had a chance to test them out yet, though. I will definitely look at it. GrahamDo (talk) 05:45, 19 November 2008 (UTC)