Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Ayumi Hamasaki

Ayumi Hamasaki

This article about a Japanese singer had a lot of speculation/personal opinion and almost no references when I started editing it. Since then, I've provided about 90% of the references, removed unconfirmable statements and personal opinion, and added necessary sections. I'm hoping to eventually turn it into a featured article. I'm especially hoping for constructive criticism concerning the lead section and flow of the article, but any feedback is appreciated. Thanatous (talk) 04:06, 1 April 2008 (UTC)

Yannismarou

• As I said in Tenacious D's review above, you do not have to overcite in the lead. Especially obvious facts (is a Japanese singer-songwriter and former actress) and facts or assessments cite in the main text do not need citing in the lead. Read carefully here. The size, content and prose of the lead looks to me fine.
• "Hamasaki began her modeling career at the age of seven, modeling locally for institutions such as banks to earn money for the family. At the age of fourteen, she moved from Fukuoka to Tokyo to take various modeling". A bit repetitive.
• "take various modeling stints as well as acting jobs in such productions as doramas like". You mean "doramas" or "dramas"?
• "n April, Hamasaki, ..." Of which year? 2003?
• "As Hamasaki is not a professional composer, she frequently employs others to compose her songs. As she explained, "I'm not a professional; I lack even basic knowledge about writing music." However, when she was writing her song "M," she felt that none of the melodies composed by her staff appealed to her, and she decided to compose the melody herself.[10] As she felt..." Again, try to vary a bit your prose forms.
• I would place "See also" before "footnotes", so that citations and footnotes are one after the other.
• In "Image and artistry", I would like more critical approaches of her music; not what she and her fans think of her art.

The article is comprehensive, well-written and well-cited. Well-done! (Your username is "thanatous"; do you know that in Greek "thanatos" [without the "u"!] means death?!)--Yannismarou (talk) 12:29, 28 April 2008 (UTC)