Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Dave Lombardo

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Dave Lombardo[edit]

Previous review

This article is on a metal drummer, would appreciate any feedback to get it read for FA. M3tal H3ad 13:54, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings)#Linking recommends against linking words in headings. DrKiernan 14:15, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

J Milburn[edit]

  • Second paragraph of 'Early years'- is that meant to say 'disc jokey'? Presumably it is meant to say 'disc jockey'?
Typo has been corrected. LuciferMorgan 21:56, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • The list of Hendrix songs played should have speech marks- MoS says it should be formatted- "Song", Album and Artist.
The list of three Hendrix songs now have speech marks. LuciferMorgan 21:59, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • I know it's a direct quote, but we'll see who makes it to the top, lets place a bet is missing an apostrophe in 'let's'. Is this deliberate?
  • Do we know his child's name?
  • First line of second paragraph of 'Grip Inc.', album name Nemesis is not in italics.
The album name is now in italics. LuciferMorgan 22:02, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • Second line, Solidify is also not in italics.
The album name is now in italics. LuciferMorgan 22:02, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

That's all for now, I will take another look later. J Milburn 19:43, 21 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. I know both his kids names but don't know which one was first. I'll look into it. M3tal H3ad 13:14, 24 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, some more points- J Milburn 16:35, 25 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

  • Ref 24 is a little lacking in detail. Is that a book? Or just something he said at the festival? Can we even reference that?
It's something he said at the modern drummer festival. The video is on Youtube and since it would breach copyright i don't know how to add more detail.
Breach of what copyright? If the video was taken by the uploader, then we can cite it as a source (as long as we are certain it is genuine, I think it is reasonable to believe it is) if it was ripped from a documentary, live stream or DVD or something, we can cite that. Alternatively, have you taken a look on the Internet archives for the relevant concert? J Milburn 12:47, 1 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
It got deleted of Youtube, but i found the source - http://www.drummerworld.com/Videos/DaveLombardo.html a documentary, thanks for the help. M3tal H3ad 13:44, 1 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • The article seems to slip between calling the drum set TAMA and Tama- I'm no drummer, so I am not sure how correct that is.
  • The last paragraph of 'Return to Slayer', the second set of quotation marks are not closed.
  • The line "Apocalyptica Lombardo enjoyed playing a duo – and asked if Lombardo would like to record a song for their next album." doesn't seem to make much sense, and that paragraph repeats 'Lombardo' a lot, too.
Thanks again for the comments. M3tal H3ad 07:53, 27 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

CloudNine[edit]

  • The first paragraph is, in my opinion, slightly confusing and doesn't flow well. It should state why Lombardo is notable; I recommend moving the contents of the second para up to the first, and perhaps removing the show-and-tell sentence. Your call though.
  • I thought Origin was meant for bands only? Noting his origin and birthplace is a little ambiguious. Also, the flags aren't really required.
  • General question: is his birth name just Dave?
  • "moved to California"; should this be Downey, California?
  • Grade school is a little inspecific (I note that the grade in which he brought in his drums in mentioned above though). You may want to replace it with an age or something; grades are usually country-specific.
  • "100,000 years" -> "100,000 Years". "Talk of the town" is quite colliqual as well. "Word of Lombardo's ability spread" sounds a little more formal.
  • "This inspired his musical interest in drums, which resulted in him joining the school band playing the marching drum, although he thought the marching drum was "not for him"." Seems like a run-on sentence to me. "Musical" in this context seems redundant.
  • ... by listening to the record repeatedly and word of Lombardo's ability spread for being able to perform the drum solo. Due to his new found popularity, he was asked if he could play the song "Moby Dick" by Led Zeppelin." To me, this sounds awkward. Could be better phrased as "... by listening to the record repeatedly. Word soon spread of Lombardo's ability to perform the song's drum solo, and he was asked to perform Led Zeppelin's "Moby Dick". (Also, who asked him? School friend perhaps?)
  • "Due to him arriving home at 4:00AM, his parents threatened to put him in a military school." This is unclear; was it every night, or just the once? CloudNine 13:56, 1 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
I'll add more comments soon. CloudNine 18:20, 22 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks for the comments. I just noticed the origin in the infobox as you mentioned it - so i removed it. M3tal H3ad 10:46, 24 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

VisitorTalk[edit]

The research and references are fine, but the writing style needs significant editing to bring it up to encyclopedic standard.

The article often bumps together parts A and C without mention of part B of the story.

"With the drumkit, Lombardo purchased his first record..." implies that he got a really bad deal trading in the kit at a pawn shop for one LP! This sentence should be rewritten. Did his father include the record along with the kit?

Moby Dick reference jumps from "was not familiar with the material" to "after doing so" (playing the song with mastery, I assume you meant). Need a transitional sentence.

"...parents threatened to put him in a military school." Did they withdraw the threat? Did he have to give up late night events until leaving home?

"As Slayer's line-up was complete..." Did the band already have everyone but a drummer? The article jumps from King's own guitar collection, presumably at his home, to a full band taking the show on the road.

Hoglan appears and promptly disappears from the article. Is he really relevant?

Lombardo's wife appears without a mention of when they were married.

"Grip" section jumps from appropriate past tense into present tense discussion of events in the past.

He had to miss the 2005 Fantomas tour. Did he ever tour with them?

Should change to "Ten years after departing from Slayer..." and include the name of the manager.

The Christy quote should either cite the exact words for "blown away," or the summary should be rewritten to a less cliche term. Finnish should be capitalized.

VisitorTalk http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia:WikiProject_Biography/Peer_review/Dave_Lombardo&action=edit&section=4 Editing Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Dave Lombardo (section) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia15:31, 23 August 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the comments. I agree with you on the poorly written part in some places and alot of sentences start with Lombardo did...He then.. I'll see how i can fix this up and the other things that still remain. Appreciate the comments. M3tal H3ad 11:04, 24 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
You're very responsive to constructive criticism, and I see a lot of improvements in the article. Good job! One more minor point: when describing a purchase made in Los Angeles, you don't need to include "USD" - just "$1,100" is enough. Are you working on other articles? VisitorTalk 16:39, 26 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
The whole Lombardo *insert verb here* has been a problem from the start and I'm slowly cutting them down. I recently re-wrote two articles, Silent Civilian and The Blackening (still needs a recording section and do-away with the "history") M3tal H3ad 07:53, 27 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]
I'm working on the "Recording" section - I'll try speeding things up a little. LuciferMorgan 11:03, 27 August 2007 (UTC)[reply]

WesleyDodds[edit]

I've done a copyedit of the entire article. However, the prose still needs attention and is the weakest component of the article as it stand. I recommend having another editor read and copyedit the page. The article in general seems ok, but I'm not too sure about the exensive use of reviews. Certainly there neds to be critical recognition of Lombardo's work, but since he's only a component of a complete group, single out sentences in reviews that mention him often seems like stretching the point. I'll try and offer more comments soon. WesleyDodds 08:02, 13 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I don't agree with the point as regards the review, since it gives readers a perspective of Lombardo's work as a whole. I do agree the prose needs work though, but I can't think of anyone else who will copyedit the article further. LuciferMorgan 09:18, 13 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Here's a thought: could the reviews be better utilized in the "musical characteristics" section? As part of the biography they seem somewhat out-of-place. WesleyDodds 09:23, 13 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Hmm, I'm not sure. In the biography section, it's meant to show the critical reception he has had over the years. LuciferMorgan 11:56, 15 September 2007 (UTC)[reply]
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