Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Shoom/archive1

TFA blurb review

Shoom was a weekly all-nighter dance music event held at nightclubs in London, England, between September 1987 and early 1990. It is widely credited with initiating the acid house movement in the UK. Shoom was founded by Danny Rampling and managed by his wife Jenni. It began at a 300-capacity basement gym on Southwark Street in South London. By May 1988 its growing popularity necessitated a move to the larger Raw venue on Tottenham Court Road, Central London, and a switch from Saturday to Thursday nights. Later relocations were to The Park Nightclub, Kensington and Busby's venue on Charing Cross Road. The early nights featured a mixture of Chicago house and Detroit techno, mixed with contemporary pop and post-punk music. Its musical and visual culture evolved around the hallucinogenic drug LSD, and MDMA, a psychoactive commonly known in the UK as ecstasy or "E". Shoom closed early in 1990, shortly after open drug use at the club began to attract police attention. By this time, electronic music had crossed into the mainstream as the heavier sounding rave style became popular, making Shoom appear outdated. (Full article...)

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Hi Ceoil and congratulations. A draft blurb for this article is above. Thoughts, comments and edits from you or from anyone else interested are welcome. Gog the Mild (talk) 12:50, 6 July 2021 (UTC)[reply]

SandyGeorgia

Variants of this underlying design were used for posters, flyers and t-shirts ... Variants of ... underlying ... redundant ... underlying adds nothing?
Done Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Just checking image captions (without yet having read article): Shoom was one of the first clubs to adopt the Smiley face in their promotional material. ... first clubs, where? in the world? in the country? in the city?
Done Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
The couple had only just recently met before their visit to Ibiza ... only ... just ... recently ... all say the same thing ... one of these three words would suffice ... I suggest ... The couple had met just before their visit to Ibiza.
Done Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
I am unsure if DJs needs to be in list format ... should it be converted to prose? For example, the lead says regular guests included ... these are guest DJs, not just guests, right?
converted to prose Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
began at a 300 capacity basement gym ... 300-capacity seems to need hyphenation, unless the sentence can be recast to avoid.

Sorted

Eventually the club night relocated to the larger again Busby's venue on Charing Cross Road. ... this sentence is messed up. The night relocated? ... larger again --> an even larger ?

Rphrased so as now clear Ceoil (talk) 16:22, 24 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Personal preferences, parentheticals not needed here ??? and MDMA (a psychoactive commonly known in the UK as ecstasy, or "E").
Removed Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
This is awkward. At this point, we know they have moved twice to larger venues, so the wording is strange ... Due to the limited capacity of the successive venues and the club's rapid popularity ... Due to the club's rapid popularity and capacity reaching limits at the successive venues ... ??
necessarily redundant? a necessarily strict door policy ?
Removed Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Not sure if this a BrEng thing? In the longer term, these ultimately lead to a backlash ... ultimately led ? These policies?
Too much going on here ... cause and effect issues mixed up ... Shoom closed early in 1990 as the acid house scene crossed into the mainstream, when the scene's open drug use began to attract police attention, while popular electronic music mutated into the heavier sounding Rave style. --> ??? --> As the acid house scene crossed into the mainstream, the scene's open drug use began to attract police attention. Shoom closed early in 1990 and popular electronic music mutated into the heavier sounding Rave style ... ?

Yeah. Rewrote this, plus the corresponding sect in the article body. Ceoil (talk) 19:02, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Grammar ... changed spend to spent, and fixed sudden introduction of Oakenfeld.
Thanks Ceoil (talk) 20:00, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Rampling took ecstasy for the first time, and was deeply impressed by Alfredo Fiorito's open-air and after-hours Amnesia[5] and Pepe Rosello's Space. The first clause is related to the second how? And I had to click out to figure out that Amnesia and Space were nightclubs.

These are my changes so far: [1] Ceoil, I think another solid read-through from you is needed before I continue. Best, SandyGeorgia (Talk) 16:05, 20 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Continuing ...

Reverse this just to make the links and flow work better? and was founded and managed by the husband and wife team of Danny, then an unknown DJ and record producer, and Jenni Rampling. --> and was founded and managed by Jenni Rampling and her husband Danny Rampling, then an unknown DJ and record producer.
MOS:SINGLE says Simple glosses that translate or define unfamiliar terms take single quotes, with no comma before the definition (Cossack comes from Turkic qazaq 'freebooter'). ... so I think that a psychoactive commonly known in the UK as ecstasy, or "E" might use a single quote on the 'E' ??
To celebrate his birthday, he hired an island villa --> To celebrate his birthday, Oakenfold hired an island villa ...
deeply impressed by Alfredo Fiorito's open-air and after-hours Amnesia[5] and Pepe Rosello's Space --> deeply impressed by Alfredo Fiorito's open-air and after-hours nightclubs, Amnesia[5] and Pepe Rosello's Space.
Neither Danny or Jenni Rampling --> neither, nor ?
Eek....fixed now. Ceoil (talk) 20:29, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
BrEng thing? The couple were --> couple was ?
Nope....fixed now. Ceoil (talk) 20:29, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Shoom's popularity coincided with the founding of two other early acid house clubs in London; Holloway's Balearic The Trip ... Colon rather than semi-colon after London?

This section now all done. Ceoil (talk) 15:46, 24 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Early nights

In terms of flow, we seem to be moving backwards from info presented in the section just above this ... should some of this content be first? (choice of name and opening night before discussion of things like crowd size ) ...
Repeated from the section above this one: In the club's first months, Danny and Jenni Rampling would greet each patron as they arrived, and say goodnight to them as they left ... reorganize both of these sections for better flow?
but employed a sound system owned by DJ Joey Jay. ... employed ... why use a big word when a small one suffices?
Widely ... widespread redundancy ... Widely used during the summer of Love, Shoom re-popularised the image, leading to its eventual widespread
The popularity began with ... I am not sure what that means ?
with PR companies ... avoid abbreviation?

all done. Ceoil (talk) 19:28, 24 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Music

His set at Shoom were ... sets were or set was ?
Sets were...well spotted! Ceoil (talk) 20:29, 22 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Lighting and design

Stopping for now, SandyGeorgia (Talk) 17:26, 21 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

thanks working through these, and more general points. Will let ye know when ready for another look. Ceoil (talk) 17:59, 21 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Ceoil I am ready to continue whenever you say ... will work on something else until you catch up, SandyGeorgia (Talk) 16:34, 24 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. I've addressed the specific issues, and intend to give another top to bottom read through re the general issues (redundancy, flow, logical sequence). Will call in a few others I know are solid copyeditors to help, and if that works out will ping you back to resume. Thanks again and sincerely! Ceoil (talk) 16:36, 24 April 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Revisit SG

Re-reading from the top:

Grammatical corrections ... pls check? [2]

All good! Ceoil (talk) 18:36, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

House music, House movement ... generally used lowercase, but occasionally upper case ? Which?

Lowercase...made consistent now. Ceoil (talk) 18:36, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

The tense changes here had me re-reading several times: Shoom developed a reputation for playing innovative house music, and notably introduced Phuture's seminal 1987 Roland TB-303 based "Acid Tracks" to a UK audience,[45] and popularising UK act Humanoid's breakthrough 1998 single "Stakker Humanoid".

Jesus. Fixed. Ceoil (talk) 23:26, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I can't tell what to do with this: Heavily influenced by Fiorito, he introduced the UK to what became as known as the Balearic sound.

Removed this. Ceoil (talk) 19:14, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Stopping there for now. SandyGeorgia (Talk) 01:48, 4 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Ok thanks again. Re[3]...was aware of this and having asked him specifically...TRM is going through the article very closely, so after than will ping here again. Ceoil (talk) 19:31, 7 May 2021 (UTC)[reply]