Talk:Jon Hamm/GA1
GA Review[edit]
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Hello, I'll be conducting this article's GA review. Here is how it stands against the criteria:
- Well-written: For the most part; see issues below.
- Factually accurate and verifiable: Yes.
- Broad in its coverage: Yes.
- Neutral: Yes.
- Stable: Yes.
- Illustrated, if possible, by images: Yes.
- First, the sources under "Further reading" need to be put in alphabetical order according to the author's surname.
- I've been told that the order should be by date.
- Hamm gained worldwide recognition for playing advertising executive Don Draper in AMC's drama series Mad Men, when it premiered in July 2007. Perhaps replace "when it premiered" with "which premiered"; better flow.
- Done.
- His parents divorced when he was two-years-old, and he lived with his mother until he was 10. But a persistent stomach ache was diagnosed as an advanced cancer that had spread rapidly through her body. Doctors removed two-thirds of her colon but were unable to save her life. This section is a little too dramatic, I feel. Perhaps we can tone it down. How about something like, "and he lived with his mother until she was diagnosed with advanced (stomach?) cancer when he was ten. Although doctors removed two-thirds of her colon, she died (soon after?) and Hamm moved in with his father."
- Done.
- Hamm moved back to Missouri, to finish college, in which he attended the University of Missouri, where he studied English. The middle part is strange: "Hamm moved back home to attend the University of Missouri, where he studied English"?
- Your suggestion is better than mine and done.
- Hamm answered an advertisement from a theater company looking for players in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, auditioned, and was cast in the production. When was this? While he was at school?
- Yeah, it was at school.
- After graduation with a Bachelor of Arts degree in English... is that supposed to be "graduating"?
- Oops, my bad.
- In 1995, Hamm moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in acting. I don't believe this sentence is necessary, since the same thing is said in the first sentence of the next section.
- Removed.
- He was represented by the Hollywood talent agency, William Morris. Hamm settled into a house with four other struggling actors, received work as a waiter and started going to auditions. In 1998 William Morris dropped him as a client and Hamm continued working as a waiter. The prose here is a little jumpy: at first he was represented by William Morris, yes? But then he was dropped and forced to continue working as a waiter?
- Yeah, he had auditions part-time and had his job as a waiter. But when he was dropped, he was a waiter full-time.
- In discussion of being dropped by the agency, Hamm said... "In discussion of being dropped" is awkward. "While discussing being dropped"?
- Done.
- Hamm landed a role as a romantic firefighter Burt Ridley, on NBC's drama series Providence, that led to a nineteen episode stint. Remove "a" and the first comma.
- Done.
- But, ultimately thought, he would not receive the part, admitting... "He ultimately thought he would not receive the part, admitting..."
- Done.
- In 2009, Hamm was again nominated for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild Award in the same categories, as his previous nominations. Drop "as his previous nominations" -- that's already made clear.
- Done.
- He has also finished filming the independent mystery thriller The Boy in the Box, a film about a small-town police chief works to uncover the truth behind the mummified remains of a boy found in a box. The "also" is misleading here, because the previous sentence has nothing to connect this one two. How about "As of (date), he has finished filming..."
- Done.
- In the episode, he played various characters, including his Mad Men character, Don Draper in two sketches. Hm, I think one can go: "his Mad Men character" or "Don Draper"; one or the other.
- Removed "Don Draper", makes more sense.
- Hamm gave up smoking when he was 24. However, his role as Don Draper requires him to smoke. In an interview he admitted that he does not smoke actual cigarettes, but instead smokes herbal cigarettes that do not contain any tobacco and nicotine. He also notes he wears contact lenses, when smoking. Somewhat awkward and confusing. How about, "Although his role as Don Draper requires him to smoke, Ham gave up smoking when he was 24. He admitted in an interview that while on set he does not smoke actual cigarettes, but herbal cigarettes that do not contain any tobacco or nicotine." Also, I wasn't sure what wearing contacts had to do with cigarettes, so I looked it up in the cited article; it says he wears contacts, which I'm guessing it means all the time, not only while smoking. Perhaps this can be changed to reflect what the article says, in that he finds smoking them unpleasant because it dries out his contacts? That is, if it's even needed...?
- Done and reading the source, I just plain removed the whole contacts thing, doesn't seem that notable to include.
That's all. You know the drill; once the above has been addressed, I'll promote, yadda yadda. Great work on a cool guy's article. :) María (habla conmigo) 20:11, 24 February 2009 (UTC)
- Thank you for the review, I hope I've taken care of your concerns. I appreciate the comment and isn't he a handsome fellow? -- ThinkBlue (Hit BLUE) 21:00, 24 February 2009 (UTC)