User:Derlinus/Seinfeldian words and phrases
The Seinfeld show has had a genuine impact on contemporary language, and the show popularized many phrases. Co-creator Larry David said once "We never set out to write catch phrases", but unintentional or not, many phrases struck a cord with viewers.
List[edit]
| Word/Phrase | Episode | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Anti- Dentite | someone who is prejudiced against people of the dental profession | |
| Assman | 1) a Proctologist 2) a person who displays his/her name on vanity license plates. | |
| Bad Breaker-Upper | someone who ends a relationship by saying mean things that people don't generally mean - but means them | |
| Ball Man Experiment | when an out of work, good for nothing, and unlikely candidate for a job as a ball man (boy), gets a job as a ball man (boy) at the US Open Tennis Championships (and injures a top-seeded lady tennis player in the process) | |
| Beef-A-Reeno | a canned pasta dish (similar to Chef Boy- Ar- Dee) that is bought in large cans from warehouse clubs, and then fed to horses, who in turn emit a foul odor | |
| Big Salad (Taking Credit for a) | when a person hands another person a large salad, and takes credit for getting that person a salad, when in reality the person handing over the salad never actually paid for it (someone else did) | |
| Big-Toe Captain, The | a failed comic bit about how the big toe is the captain of the other toes on the foot, written by an out-of- work comic wannabe | |
| Bipartisan Mirror | a mirror that is situated in a clothing store with the intention of making a customer look better than they actually do, when they are trying on clothes | |
| Boombox Incident | when a short, stocky, and balding man takes a teenager's boombox away at the beach for playing it too loudly, and tosses it into the ocean | |
| Break-up By Association | what happens when a man and woman break up, and the man's friends no longer associate with the woman | |
| Bubble Boy | a boy with an Immune Deficiency Blood disorder who must live inside a plastic bubble to keep him in a germ-free environment | |
| Call-Waiting Face Off | when a person has two people on the telephone line via call-waiting, and has to decide which phone call is more important, and which person should clear the line | |
| Caught in a Pick at the Light | when a person is waiting in their car at a traffic light and decides to scratch the outside of their nose, where it appears (to their date, who just happens to be in the car or cab next to them) that they are actually picking their nose | |
| Cell Phone Walk and Talk | when a person calls to convey their concern (for a friend's sick relative), but callously calls from a cellular phone on the street out of convenience | |
| Certifiably Nice | when a person goes to an extreme to be nice to other people (ex. taking members of the older generation to a museum or theater) | |
| Chucker | A person who never passes the ball on a basketball court, but always hogs the ball and shoots | |
| Cleaner | A person with an extremely voracious appetite who can be depended on to polish off (eat) an enormous amount of unwanted muffin stumps | |
| Close Talker | One who speaks to a person at point blank range (usually with both peoples' noses less than a foot away from the other) | |
| Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables | A book that illustrates the coffee tables of famous celebrities and is meant to be kept on one's coffee table, with fold out legs so it can be used as a coffee table | |
| Comedians' Revenge | When a comedian, who has been heckled by a member of the audience, takes revenge on that person by going to their place of work and heckles them back | |
| Compact jeans | denim jeans designed for petite figures ("Only people with small rear ends should be allowed to wear compact jeans", according to a certain warped stand-up comedian) | |
| Covenant of the Keys | when a neighbor is entrusted with a set of keys in case one gets locked out of their apartment. The covenant provides the following ;
1) thou shalt not use the keys to obtain food from thy neighbors' refrigerator 2) thou shalt not use thy neighbors' bathroom unless first asking permission (even if yours is broken) 3) thou definitely shalt not be in thy neighbors' apartment when said neighbor is bringing home a date 4) if thy covenant is broken, then the offending party must pack up his/her belongings and move to California where he/she will probably end up being accused of murder (see The Ten Commandments ) | |
| Curse Toast | When a petty, stupid person gives a best man's toast and inundates it with vile curse words, prompting the schmuck to be thrown out of the reception by the bride's father | |
| A Date Implied | When a man/woman knows that it is a given that he/she has a definite date (without having to ask) on a certain day of the week with the person that he/she is seeing | |
| Dating Loophole | 1) when a man intentionally loses a dinner bet to a woman so that he can avoid actually asking her out on a date (this way he can avoid possibly being rejected) 2) any time a man takes a woman out to dinner and/or a movie without formally asking her for a date | |
| Deaf Date | When one person is fixed up with another person, has seen that person's picture, but has never spoken to him/her | |
| Deep Fried in Chocolate Sauce | A figure of speech to use when accusing someone of collaborating with someone else who appears to have a grudge against a fast food restaurant, but secretly likes their food (grammatical ex. "You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce") | |
| Degift | To take back a gift that was previously given to someone (such as Super Bowl tickets), i.e. an Indian giver | |
| Delicate Genius | 1) a highly touted professional (such as a doctor or lawyer) who would not think of talking business outside of business hours 2) a doctor who would charge a patient for a visit if they did not show up (and did not call to cancel), yet would not think twice about going skiing on a day that that doctor had a full schedule of appointments | |
| Double Dipping | A person dips a snack chip into a dip, takes a bite, and then dips again with the same bitten chip ("it's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!!!") | |
| The Dry Cleaner's Code | A code of ethics that a dry cleaning proprietor must followincluding not wearing a customer's clothing (e.g. sport jackets and fur coats) out on the town | |
| The Executive | A beltless and loopless trenchcoat or raincoat | |
| Face Painter | The face painter | An avid sports fan that paints his face to "support the team." David Puddy, an avid New Jersey Devil's fan, scared the wits out of a priest and shouted "Go Devils" in the street. |
| Femininas | Term for beautiful women at the beach who are condom worthy (the opposite of sponge worthy) | |
| Festivus | A made up holiday. | |
| Flagged object | Usually an expensive book that cannot be returned or offered for charity because it was read in the bathroom while performing number two. | |
| Forbidden City | A place where attractive women hang out | |
| Fudge Distribution | the idea that one should eat a sundae from the bottom up (knowing full well that the fudge drips to the bottom), so that there is an even amount of fudge and ice cream eaten in every bite | |
| Fusilli Jerry | The Fusilli Jerry | A model of comedian Jerry Seinfeld made out of Fusilli pasta. A Proctologist is needed to remove from one's rear end. |
| Germophobe | A person who is very weary of other people's germs, and is very fanatical about it (especially against people who sleep around, rub certain body parts against computer keyboards, or prepare dinner while simultaneously taking a shower) | |
| Get Out! | What a woman might say to her friends in complete surprise (while at the same time shoving them backwards) | |
| Giddy-Up | What a cowboy would say to a horse to get it to start walking, alternatively what a tall lankey doofus might say when excited instead of "All Right". | |
| Grace | A certain nice quality about a person, much like Jackie Onassis or what to tell an employee that they have in order to get them to do menial labor (such as sharpening pencils, getting their mail, or getting them cotton socks) | |
| Hand Fruit | A type of fruit which is normally eaten out of a person's hand, such as; apples, pears, Hampton Tomatoes, or onions (for people who are nearsighted) | |
| Having Hand | Having the upper hand in a relationship. The opposite of needing your hand - when you don't have any relationship. | |
| Head-First Parker | 1) a person who tries to pull into a parking space head first as opposed to backing into the space, possyibly with the intention of screwing someone else out of the space. | |
| Hello Newman | a typical greeting to a pudgy and extremely irritating person for whom one really does not want to talk to | |
| High Talker | A man with a very high voice and may give the impression of being a woman over the telephone | |
| Hipster Doofus | A tall, lanky, goofball who suggests to his friends that they should park in a handicap spot, knowing full well that it is wrong. The same goofball who is dumped by a handicapped woman for being (you guessed it) a Hipster Doofus . | |
| "I think it moved" | 1) what a man (who has doubts about his sexuality) might say after reluctantly getting a massage from another man, and after the masseuse accidentally touches the private area 2) what a short bald man may say after eating fresh food. | |
| "It Didn't Take" | a twerpy man's explanation for his ex-girlfriend's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism that he drove her to | |
| The It-Girl | the girl/woman in school that everyone wants to date | |
| It's Not You, It's Me | what a grown man, who is unemployed and living with his parents, would say to his girlfriend if she ever wondered where she (or their relationship) went wrong | |
| Jerk Store | The Comeback | A phrase that is used as part of a put-down by a naive person who can't think of any better put-downs to use (ex. "The Jerk Store called, and they said that they ran out of you") |
| Jimmy Legs (or Arms) | What someone has when he thrash about in bed and strike his sleeping partner, causing the couple to separate into twin beds (see "I Love Lucy") | |
| The Kavorka | A Latvian Orthodox phrase which means "the lure of the animal", which usually can be cured with a garlic necklace | |
| Key Brothers | Friends who exchange each others' apartment or house keys, with the provisal that they follow the key covenant (see Covenant of the Keys) | |
| Kibosh | 1) when someone (wearing a motorcycle helmet, no less) gets karate-kicked in the head by a crazed individual 2) when three thugs get the crap beaten out of them for picking a fight with a crazed individual, who is dressed like a clown and headed to the opera "Pagliacci" | |
| Kiss Hello | a very annoying habit that some people have of kissing a person as part of an informal hello greeting (especially women with funny looking hairdos) | |
| Latvian Orthodox | 1) a Protestant branch of Christianity where the congregation is predominantly of Latvian descent 2) a religion in which the priest or minister wears a funny trapezoidal shaped hat on his/her head during a service 3) a religion in which they ask people to wear garlic necklaces to make themselves unattractive to clergy people of the Latvian Orthodox | |
| The Leave Behind | when an unattractive, confidence-lacking man, leaves something behind at his date's house, hoping that he'll have a reason to go back to her house and ask for another date | |
| Level Jumping (on a friendship) | when casual acquaintances attempt to become better friends with certain acquaintances (ex. asking an acquaintance to be a godparent to one's child/children) | |
| Library Cop | a gung ho, hardened former police officer who is deputized as a library law enforcer by the NY Public Library, and chases down library delinquents (especially if their book was overdue in excess of 20 years) | |
| Little Kicks | A horrendous dance performed by a seemingly attractive woman, in which she completely turns off coworkers and friends alike | |
| Look to the Cookie | the theory that a black and white cookie could create racial harmony among the different races in the human race | |
| Low Talker | 1) A woman who speaks in a very low (sometimes sub-sonic) voice 2) a woman who speaks in a low, inaudible tone in order to trick some-body into wearing a funny looking shirt on a nationally televised talk show | |
| Macaroni Midler | A figurine of Bette Midler made out of wavy macaroni (similar to "Fusilli Jerry") | |
| Magic Loogie | when someone spits at someone else in contempt, and the following happens; the spit hits the first person, then makes a right turn in midair (mind you) and hits a second person in the shoulder, causing him/her to drop their baseball cap | |
| Man hands | 1) A very attractive woman who has very masculine hands 2) a woman who possesses brute strength in her hands so she can break open a lobster barehanded, or break a man's wrist for going into her pocketbook | |
| Manziere | A bra created for older men who have excess flab in the upper chest area and give the appearance of having breasts | |
| Massage Tease | a masseuse who refuses to give massages to their boyfriend/girlfriend, yet would not think twice about having sex with them or giving massages to strangers | |
| Matzo Ball | 1) a dumpling made out of matzo meal that is served in chicken soup for Passover 2) what a person feels like after saying "I Love You" to another person and not getting the "I Love You" Return | |
| Mimbo | 1) a male bimbo 2) an Italian stud who has bad luck rock climbing | |
| Moops | the name of the ethnic group of people who invaded Spain in the 8th century, according to a Trivial Pursuit misprint (they are called "Moors" according to Webster's Dictionary) | |
| Moses Smell the Roses | an exclamation that someone makes when they witness a person about to shave with butter, and then proceeds to sunbathe in it as well | |
| Mulva | what to call your current girlfriend if you can't remember her name | |
| Must- Lie Situation | when a person feels that they cannot tell the truth to someone else for fear of offending them (ex #1 calling one's baby "Breathtaking", ex #2 not being able to tell someone that their hairdo is pre-1960's or just plain hideous) | |
| Nip | a nickname given to a woman who has Christmas cards with her picture printed up, but doesn't realize that one of her nipples is exposed in the picture | |
| Non-Pony Country | 1) a country where people in general do not own ponies 2) a country where young whipper-snappers insult elderly people who previously owned a pony as a child | |
| Non-Sexual Crush | when a non-cool person has platonic infatuation for a cool person (usually a stud) of the same sex | |
| "Not that there's anything wrong with it" | a phrase that people usually say about homosexuality, after denying that they themselves are homosexuals | |
| Opening the Vault | 1) telling someone someone else's secret 2) spilling the beans | |
| Pig-Man | 1) half man, half pig 2) a short bald mental patient with a pinkish complexion (ex. Elmer Fudd), who tends to grunt or squeal alot | |
| Pimple Popper, M.D. | a putdown for a Dermatologist who gives the illusion that he/she actually saves lives | |
| Pre-Emptive Break-up | when a man anticipates that his girlfriend is going to break up with him, so he breaks up with her first (so that he can have hand) | |
| Pretend Marriage | when a man and a woman pretend that they are married in order to get discounts on their dry cleaning | |
| Public Fornicator | a porno actor/actress, who sometimes goes by the name Buck Naked | |
| Puffy Shirt, The | 1) a funny looking white shirt with ruffles in the front, and puffy looking long sleeves, similar to what pirates would wear 2) what to wear when being a guest on a TV talk show | |
| Put In, The | the length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison | |
| Putting Something in the Vault | promising someone to keep something a secret | |
| Red Dot | 1) a blemish on a cashmere sweater to indicate that the sweater has been marked down due to irregularities 2) the same sweater given as a gift from a cheapskate (or someone who is out of work ) in order to save money | |
| Regift | the act of receiving a gift from someone, and then giving it to someone else (as in recycling a gift) | |
| Resolved of it's own momentum (or volition) | when a trivial conversation (usually about toilet stalls) carries on to its entirety, without being interrupted by a domineering fiancee | |
| Relationship Killer | an adjective which describes what happens to a relationship when a man and a woman go away for a weekend together | |
| Ribbon Bully | a volunteer at a walkathon who ridicules people who participate in the walkathon, but refuse to wear ribbons that identify them as walkathon participants | |
| Ridicurous | what a person of Oriental descent (or a person with an Oriental sounding last name) might say about something that is ludicrous (grammatical ex. "The whole thing sounds ridicurous") | |
| Shicksappeal | a female person not of the Jewish faith, who is found to be attractive to Jewish males, especially horny teenagers who had just been Bar-Mitzvahed | |
| Shmoopie | 1) a term of endearment between a couple that is very annoying to their friends 2) a term of endearment that a man uses on a woman, before he dumps her for the Soup Nazi | |
| Showcasing One's Non-Date Personality | 1) when a person sets up a double-date in order that their date can get a general idea of their normal personality when not on a date 2) when a man on a double-date goes out of his way to be liked by the other woman in the double-date | |
| Shrinkage | 1) what happens to a man's genitalia after being in contact with water (especially cold water) 2) what to tell a woman who mistakenly sees a man's genitalia in the shrunken stage, and finds it humorous | |
| Sidler | a person who always seems to suddenly appear at another person's side | |
| Slip One Past the Goalie | the act of impregnating a woman | |
| Soup Nazi | 1) a take-out soup restaurant that serves many varieties of soup, but only soup 2) a temperamental foreigner who owns a soup restaurant, and either refuses to serve a customer or throws him/her out of the restaurant for the slightest little annoyance | |
| Spare a Square (Can You) | what to ask a person if one happens to be in a public bathroom stall and runs out of toilet paper (grammatical ex. "Excuse me, but can you spare a square? No?!? Well then, how about a ply?") | |
| Stab Worthy | a man that routinely gets involved in bad relationship break-ups, and gets physically injured in the process, due to his below-the-belt insults Step off - 1) what to say to someone as opposed to telling them to either "Get lost", "Beat it", or "Hit the road" 2) what an Italian macho stud might say to a former bald-headed friend who didn't secure a rope while they were rock-climbing (and the Italian macho stud broke his nose) | |
| Stopping Short | the act of slamming hard on an automobile's brake pedal, and at the same time reaching over and putting one's arm in front of the front seat passenger as a means of protecting them from hitting the dash board (and gaining sexual gratification from the experience) | |
| Super Bowl Sex Romp | the idea of taking a woman out of town to see the Super Bowl with the predetermined notion of getting her into the sack | |
| Svenjolly | what a mixed-up woman might accidentally call her psychiatrist-boyfriend if he were to have a mental hold over her (according to Webster's dictionary, the word is really "Svengali") | |
| Sweet Fancy Moses | an exclamation that someone makes when they watch a terrible dancer, especially a dancer that uses spastic "Little Kicks" | |
| Switch, The | when a man dates a woman, then switches to dating her roommate because the 1st woman never laughs, while the 2nd one does | |
| There's a clock over there | What a lazy, anti-social person would say to a stranger who asks for the time, knowing full well that the person being asked has a watch on their wrist | |
| "These pretzels are making me thirsty" | a tall, Hipster Doofus's only line in a Woody Allen movie | |
| A Show About Nothing | a silly, sometimes non-sensical situation comedy about the mundane lives of a stand-up comic and his three goofy friends | |
| Uromysitisis poisoning | a fictitious ailment that someone invents as an explanation as to why they urinated in public | |
| Vandalay Industries | 1) a fictitious company which manufactures latex 2) a company which is made up by someone who is out of work and is trying to convince the Department of Unemployment that he/she is being considered for a job with the fictitious company to keep up his/her unemployment benefits | |
| Vegetable Lasagna | An airplane passenger (who happens to be a very dull person) who gets caught in the middle of a petty couple who constantly fight | |
| Vertical Leap Training Shoes | 1) a specially designed athletic shoe made to promote higher leaps from an athlete 2) a silly looking sneaker which looks like a Ping Pong racquet was glued to the bottom of it 3) an athletic shoe which causes a person to appear to be handicapped | |
| Vomit streak | when a person has not vomited in a long period of time (such as ten years or longer) | |
| War, What is it Good For? | supposedly what author Leo Tolstoy was originally going to name his book "War and Peace" (but didn't at his wife's urging) | |
| World Theory, The | the idea that two worlds would collide together when a woman in a relationship starts hanging out with the friends of her boyfriend | |
| Yada, Yada, Yada | what a person might say, mid-sentence, to shorten a story to get to the point of a discussion or to hide any incriminating activities |
[edit]
| Word/Phrase | Episode | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Backed Up | Glandular condition that men get from not having sex. | |
| Bad Breaker-Upper | Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them. | |
| Home Bed Advantage | The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings. | |
| "I Love You" Return | When a person in a relationship says "I Love You to his/her significant other and gets an "I Love You, Too" in return | |
| "It didn't take" | George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism. | |
| The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine | Breakup method to which George lays claim. | |
| Love | A spice with many tastes, according to Newman. | |
| Make up Sex | The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex". | |
| Master of your Domain | One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.) | |
| Public Fornicator | A porn actor. | |
| Put in | The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks. | |
| Sexual Camel | Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex. | |
| Sexual Perjury | Faking it. | |
| Shrinkage | Physical reaction men have to cold water. | |
| Slip One Past the Goalie | To impregnate a woman. | |
| Stopping Short | Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car. | |
| Upstairs Invite | when a woman invites herself up to a man's apartment (like Mae West would) to try and find something, in turn giving him false hope that she might be promiscuous | |
| The Switch | Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully. | |
| The Tap | a sign that a woman uses (tapping her partner's shoulder) to stop a sexual encounter, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball. |
Notable one-time characters[edit]
| Character | Portrayed by | Description | Episode |
|---|---|---|---|
| Alton Benes | Lawrence Tierney | Elaine's hard-nosed father. | "The Jacket" |
| Artie Levine | Ron Steelman | Jerry's cousin who prefers his last name be pronounced Le-vine not Le-veen. | |
| Ben Cantwell | Robert Donley | The man George is assigned to visit. | "The Old Man" |
| Betsy | Megan Mullally | George is dating her, and attempts to advance their relationship by accompanying her to her aunt's funeral in Detroit. | "The Implant" |
| Brody | Kramer's movie pirater friend, packs a gun, eats too much candy. | "The Little Kicks" | |
| Meryl | Courteney Cox | Jerry's pretend wife. She is doing this to mooch off Jerry's discount at the dry cleaners. | "The Wife" |
| Magnus aka Vegetable Lasagna | Norwegian guy, who sits in the plane seat next to Elaine and Puddy and has to put up with incessant fighting. Named after his meal selection on the plane, even though he insists to be called by his real name. | "The Butter Shave" | |
| Miss Rhode Island | Karen Ann Hanson | Jerry dates her and accidentally kills her doves, forcing her to sing instead for the talent contest under Kramer's tutelage, which she does horribly. | "The Chaperone" |
| Little Jerry Seinfeld | Kramer's rooster, which Kramer enters into a cockfight at Marceleno's bodega. | "The Little Jerry". | |
| Henry Atkins, Postmaster General | Wilford Brimley | He makes it clear to Kramer that he cannot refuse postal mail. He sits on the desk and interrogates Kramer in a parody of his role as Assistant Attorney General in the climax of Absence of Malice, in which he did the same to Paul Newman. | "The Junk Mail" |
| John Grossbard | Kramer runs into this old debtor—a former roommate to whom he lent money—at an airport and tries to collect the money owed. When Kramer realizes that Jerry's flight has been redirected providing the opportunity to again confront his former roommate, he says, "listen to the bell Grossbard. It tolls for thee." | "The Airport" | |
| John Germaine | Jeff Yagher | A jazz musician Elaine dates who eventually loses his musical prowess after having done "everything" with Elaine. | "The Rye" |
| Smuckers | Kramer's distrust of doctors leads him to use this dog to get medication from a veterinarian for his own cough. Kramer "We share the same affliction." | "The Andrea Doria" | |
| Farfel | A dog that Jerry is stuck taking care of when the owner sitting next to him on the plane has to be rushed to the hospital; barks incessantly. | "The Dog" | |
| Rusty | Horse that Kramer feeds Beef-A-Reeno to shortly before taking Susan's parents on a Hansom cab ride. Due to the horse's flatulance from the Beef-A-Reeno, the ride is cut short. | "The Rye" | |
| Milos | Mark Harelik | An incompetent tennis pro who sells Jerry a $200 tennis racket, offers his wife to Jerry, and asks Jerry to take a dive in a tennis game to make himself look like the better player. | "The Comeback" |
| Donna Chang | Caucasian woman who people think is Chinese, originally named Changstein. | "The Chinese Woman" | |
| Jean-Paul Jean-Paul | A NYC Marathon runner from Trinidad and Tobago whose life is made miserable by Jerry. | "The Hot Tub" | |
| Frank Costanza's Lawyer | Larry David | He doesn't follow trends and wears a cape. He stops Noreen from committing suicide. | "The Chinese Woman" |
| Pam | Kim Myers | Jerry's girlfriend that Kramer falls in love with. | "The Soul Mate" |
| The Doorman | Larry Miller | An arrogant doorman of Mr. Pitt's apartment building tricks Jerry into watching the door for him. He berated Jerry for looking down at him because he was a doorman, even though Jerry wasn't. | "The Doorman" |
| Stan, the Caddy | Armin Shimerman | Kramer's Senior Tour golf trainer who missed the cut in the trial of Sue Ellen Mischke. | "The Caddy" |
| Fragile Frankie Merman | Jerry's friend from summer camp, a.k.a. the "summer George". He is known for running into the woods whenever he's upset. | "The Junk Mail" | |
| Ned Isakoff | Elaine's very well-read (or well-Red), communist boyfriend, whom she got blacklisted from the Chinese restaurant Hop Sing's by "naming names". Isakoff is also indirectly responsible for causing George to date a woman who posted an ad in the Daily Worker (a communist newspaper), and for nearly turning Kramer into a communist and encouraging him to quit his department store Santa job with Mickey. | "The Race" | |
| Sharon | Paula Marshall | The NYU reporter who writes a story about Jerry and George being gay. "Not that there is anything wrong with that..." | "The Outing" |
| Kevin, Gene, Feldman, and Vargas | The Bizarro Jerry, George, Kramer, and Newman.[1] | "The Bizarro Jerry" | |
| Geoffrey Harharwood | The assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. He assists in the revitalization of the Alex Theatre and has an unusual fascination with buttons. | "The Gum" | |
| Sheila | Alexandra Wentworth | Jerry's girlfriend, calls him "Shmoopie" as a term of endearment (as he does with her) and is overly affectionate in public, which embarrasses his friends. Jerry pretends he doesn't know her when she screws up the protocol for ordering soup and is refused service. | "The Soup Nazi" |
| The Pig-Man | While in the hospital, Kramer is snooping around and comes across what he thinks is the result of a government experiment a half pig, half man. In reality, just a "fat little mental patient". | "The Bris" | |
| Members of the Houston Astros front office | George has a meeting with the Astros about the possibility of interleague play. They always call everyone a "bastard" or "son of a bitch" (George finds out "that's how they talk in the major leagues"). Those terms get George and Jean-Paul in trouble Jean-Paul gets kicked out of Elaine's apartment, where he had plans to stay before the New York City Marathon, and Wilhelm catches George yelling into the phone while the Astros front office men are calling from their plane. | "The Hot Tub" | |
| Members of the New York Mets front office | In a meeting, the Mets make an offer to George for a vacant front office position at Shea Stadium. But in order for the Mets to hire George, they allude to the catch, without actually telling him ("We didn't say that"). He has to get fired from the Yankees first. In the end, however, despite George's valiant attempts to make Steinbrenner fire him (The Boss eventually is ready to fire George, but just as he is about to do it Wilhelm walks in and tells Steinbrenner that he made George do those things. Wilhelm is trying to get fired to get the Mets job as well), Mr. Wilhelm gets hired by the Mets instead. | "The Millennium" | |
| Dr Cooperman aka The Assman | A proctologist who has his vanity license plates issued to Kramer by mistake. It is discovered, when Jerry and Kramer visit the doctor's office, that the real Assman has a practice there. Kramer finds a picture of his boat, with "Assman" written on the side. When asked by Kramer if the doctor is indeed the Assman, the doctor gives a 'knowing' wink. | "The Fusilli Jerry" | |
| Denim Vest | Kevin McDonald | A character named after his questionable taste in fashion. Elaine's network of fake phone numbers (one of them H&H Bagels) comes undone due to Denim Vest. | "The Strike" |
| Shakey the Mohel | circumcises Jerry's finger during a bris. The mohel blames Jerry for the accident, claiming he flinched. Jerry later derisively refers to him as "Shakey the Mohel" and claims that the mohel got his mohel license from a matchbook. | "The Bris" | |
| Manya | A relative of Jerry's who dies shortly after Jerry makes a disparaging comment about people who owned ponies as a child; she states that she owned a pony as a child in Poland before immigrating to America. | "The Pony Remark" | |
| Uncle Mac | Jerry's uncle who was writing an autobiography based on all his experiences. | "The Stakeout" | |
| The Mechanic | George accuses a mechanic at David Puddy's Saab dealership of stealing his Twix. He says he probably has a short, mono-syllabic name. | "The Dealership" | |
| Tor Eckman | Stephen Tobolowsky | A holistic healer who turns George's complexion purple instead of healing his tonsilitis. | "The Heart Attack" |
| Jimmy | Anthony Starke | Constantly refers to himself in the third person (an illeist) "Jimmy is down!" Holds a grudge against Kramer for spilling water on the floor, causing him to slip and hurt himself. | "The Jimmy" |
| Jason "Stanky" Hanky | A recovering substance abuser, who refuses to apologize to George during step 9 of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step program. Hanky claims that George would have stretched out the neckhole of Hanky's sweater with George's unusually bulbous head. Played by James Spader. | "The Apology" | |
| Melissa | Jerry's girlfriend who likes to always be naked while in his apartment, until he does the same and proposes to do some nude belt-sanding ("This isn't good naked"). | "The Apology" | |
| Joel Rifkin | Elaine's Boyfriend who has the same name as infamous serial killer (in real life) Joel Rifkin and Elaine tried to get him to change his name.("Elaine, I was adopted"). Out of frustration of Elaine's incessant suggestions of bad names, Rifkin moves towards her as though wanting to choke her, but then turns away. | "The Masseuse" | |
| Raymond | A male masseuse (masseur) who causes George to become extremely uncomfortable and to question his own sexuality. (George: "I think it moved.") | "The Note" | |
| Roy the Dentist | A friend of Jerry's who agrees to write notes stating that Jerry, George, and Elaine need massages due to dental problems so that they can be reimbursed for treatment. He is later charged with insurance fraud, but remains friendly to Jerry. | "The Note" | |
| The Maître'd | James Hong | In a Chinese restaurant, the maître'd keeps Jerry, Elaine, and George waiting for a table for almost the whole episode. After the three finally leave in disgust, he looks up, grins, and cries out, "Seinfeld...four!" | "The Chinese Restaurant" |
| Darryl | Elaine's "interracial" boyfriend who ultimately turns out to be caucasian; (Darryl to Elaine: "So, we're just a couple of boring white people?)" | "The Wizard" | |
| Evie | The cleaning lady that George has sex with on his desk. | "The Red Dot" | |
| Sylvio | The super of Jerry, Kramer, and Newman's building. He has an obvious grudge against Newman and tries to evict Newman from the building for reversing his peephole, but Kramer convinces him not to. Later in that episode it is found out that Newman is having an affair with his wife. | ||
| Ralph | Kessler/Kramer's dog. The "Notes About Nothing" feature on the DVD of this episode says that his dog is named Ralph. | "The Seinfeld Chronicles" | |
| Phil | In one episode of season 9, Phil lives next door to Jerry and Kramer. Phil quickly dislikes Jerry because of the incident where Jerry doesn't let him into the apartment, for fear of robberies. Phil blames Jerry for the death of his parrot. | "The Strongbox" | |
| Claire the Waitress | Lee Garlington | In the pilot episode, Claire was the female regular character; however, she was replaced by Elaine in all subsequent episodes. | |
| Carl Farbman | Furniture designer | "The Checks " | |
| Jack The Wiz | Toby Huss | Jack The Wiz is the spokesman for Nobody Beats the Wiz, chanting "Nobody beats me, because I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!" | "The Junk Mail" |
| Eddie Sherman | Ned Bellamy | With Elaine, and a little tweaking, turned out one hell of a J. Peterman-catalogue. | "The Fatigues" |
Episodes[edit]
| # | Title | Written by | Original air date | Epi- sode |
Prod code |
View- ers |
Summary | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Seinfeld Chronicles | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | July 5, 1989 | S01E01 | 101 | Jerry tells George about a woman named Laura he met in Michigan who is coming to New York for a seminar. Jerry wonders if she has romantic intentions. The two continue to talk about her after they leave the luncheonette. Jerry then receives a telephone call from Laura, who asks if she can stay overnight at his apartment. Jerry invites her, but is still unsure whether or not her visit is intended to be romantic. Jerry and Laura arrive at the apartment. Laura then receives a call and when Laura gets off the phone she tells Jerry: "Never get engaged." Jerry then realizes that he has no chance with Laura, but has already committed himself to an entire weekend with her. | ||
| 2 | The Stake Out | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | May 31, 1990 | S01E02 | 103 | 22.5 | During a party, Jerry flirts with a woman but fails to learn anything about her except her place of work. Jerry is reluctant to find out her phone number from Elaine because he does not talk about other women to her. Jerry's father, Morty Seinfeld, suggests that he should wait outside the building for the woman and pretend to meet her accidentally. Jerry goes along with the idea. He manages to meet the woman, whose name is Vanessa. The two then decide to go out on a date. | |
| 3 | The Robbery | Matt Goldman | June 7, 1990 | S01E03 | 104 | 19.7 | Jerry is robbed after Kramer leaves Jerry's door open, so Jerry decides to find a new apartment. As a real estate broker, George finds a new apartment for Jerry, but then wants it for himself. The group argues about who should receive the apartment, with Elaine getting either George or Jerry's apartment, depending on who moves. Not wanting to hurt their friendship, Jerry and George decide not to move and give the apartment to someone else. After seeing how much the new owners enjoy the apartment, they regret their decision. | |
| 4 | Male Unbonding | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | June 14, 1990 | S01E04 | 102 | 19.1 | Jerry tries to avoid meeting an old childhood friend, Joel Horneck, who persists in keeping in touch with him. Jerry claims that the reason he has not broken up the relationship is because Joel is a man. George suggests that Jerry should pretend that Joel is a woman and break up normally. Jerry attempts to break up with Joel, but Joel bursts into tears; Jerry changes his mind and agrees to take him to see the New York Knicks. Meanwhile, Kramer, working under the name Kramerica Industries, is working on the idea of building a pizza place where you make your own pizza pie. | |
| 5 | The Stock Tip | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | June 21, 1990 | S01E05 | 105 | 19.4 | George gets a stock tip, and after investing $5,000, he passes the tip on to Jerry, who invests $2,500. Jerry goes on a first date with Vanessa; a weekend away at a place Elaine recommends. As George predicted, the date ends up being a disaster. Meanwhile, both George and Jerry are shocked to discover that the source of the stock tip had been admitted into the hospital. While they are unsure of when to sell the stock, the stock's value plummets. Jerry finally sells it, but its value subsequently begins to rise, and George ends up making an $8,000 profit. | |
| 6 | The Ex-Girlfriend | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | January 23, 1991 | S02E01 | 201 | 15.6 | George complains about his girlfriend Marlene, whom he finds annoying, to Jerry. Jerry insists that George break up with her. George takes Jerry's advice, and ends his relationship with Marlene. Telling Jerry about the break-up, George insists that Jerry see Marlene to retrieve books he left at her apartment. When he goes there, Jerry forms a relationship with Marlene. After George tells him that he does not mind his dating Marlene, Jerry decides to pursue her. However, after seeing Jerry's comedy act, Marlene breaks up with him. | |
| 7 | The Pony Remark | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | January 30, 1991 | S02E02 | 202 | 15.2 | At an aunt's dinner, Jerry makes an off-color remark ("I hate anyone who ever had a pony when they were growing up!"), which may have led to her subsequent death. Much to the disgust of Elaine, he hesitates on whether to go to her funeral or to a championship softball game. Meanwhile, Kramer and Jerry bet over whether or not Kramer will rebuild his apartment so that it has multiple levels. Kramer changes his mind and decides not to build levels, arguing that because he didn't attempt it, the bet was invalid. | |
| 8 | The Jacket | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 6, 1991 | S02E03 | 205 | 14.8 | While shopping with Elaine, Jerry buys an expensive suede jacket. Elaine convinces George and Jerry to meet her father, who has a reputation of being difficult and intimidating. Jerry wears his new jacket when he and George meet Elaine's father. After learning that she is going to be late in coming, Jerry and George are left alone to have an uncomfortable conversation with her father. When Elaine arrives, they leave for the restaurant and see that it is snowing. Elaine and George suggest that Jerry turn his new jacket inside out so that it does not get ruined. Jerry, not wanting to look like an idiot in front of Elaine's father, ignores their advice. After they walk a short distance during the snowfall, Jerry's jacket gets ruined. | |
| 9 | The Phone Message | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 13, 1991 | S02E04 | 207 | 13.6 | George becomes concerned when his girlfriend, Carol, doesn't return his calls. He loses his temper and leaves a series of angry messages on her machine. Later, he discovers that she was out of town. Before she can hear the messages, he and Jerry plan to go into her apartment and switch the tape on her answering machine. George and Jerry manage to intercept Carol at her apartment and switch the tape. George later learns that she had already heard the messages and found them funny, adding that she "loves jokes like that". | |
| 10 | The Apartment | Peter Mehlman | April 4, 1991 | S02E05 | 208 | 24.7 | Elaine is depressed about her apartment's low quality. Jerry overhears the two managers of his building discussing a death that makes an apartment available. Surprised by its low rent, Jerry immediately tells Elaine that he will be able to get her the apartment. Excited at first, Jerry later realizes how intrusive Elaine might become. Meanwhile, George hears about the effect a man with a wedding ring has on a woman, and starts wearing one to see what happens. This plan backfires, as he discovers that wearing the ring causes women who would otherwise date him to reject him. | |
| 11 | The Statue | Larry Charles | April 11, 1991 | S02E06 | 210 | 23.3 | Jerry receives some of his grandfather's old possessions. Among them is a statue that looks like one that George's family had until George broke it. Jerry promises that George can have it, but leaves it in his apartment for a few days. Jerry later has his apartment cleaned by Ray, the boyfriend of Rava, a client of Elaine's. Jerry and Elaine see the statue at Ray's apartment, and think that Ray stole it. Dressed as Joe Friday, Kramer pretends to be a cop and retrieves the statue from Ray. The statue is returned to a grateful George, but George later drops it when Kramer gives him a friendly slap on the back. | |
| 12 | The Revenge | Larry David | April 18, 1991 | S02E07 | 212 | 19.6 | George quits his job after tiring of his demanding boss, but immediately regrets his decision. He returns to the workplace, pretending that the event had never occurred, but is fired. Jerry is irked to discover that the money he had hidden in his laundry bag went missing subsequent to his trip to the laundromat. He immediately blames the owner, who claims no responsibility. Jerry is furious and, helped by Kramer, plots to pour a bag of cement into the washing machine. After the pulling the prank, Jerry's money is discovered in Kramer's laundry bag. George, helped by Elaine, plots revenge against his former boss, but his attempt costs him his chance to regain his job. | |
| 13 | The Heart Attack | Larry Charles | April 25, 1991 | S02E08 | 211 | 20.6 | George thinks that he is having a heart attack, but actually needs a tonsillectomy. Kramer recommends a holistic healer as an alternative. George takes Kramer's advice, and when George, Kramer, and Jerry meet the holistic healer, he gives George tea to fix his tonsil problem. George gets sick from drinking the tea and is rushed to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, the paramedics argue, causing the ambulance to get into an accident. George and Jerry are later seen in neck braces, and George has had his tonsils removed. | |
| 14 | The Deal | Larry David | May 2, 1991 | S02E09 | 213 | 22.9 | Elaine and Jerry renew their sexual relationship after viewing a soft-core pornographic film, but to protect their friendship, they establish boundaries for future escapades. They pride themselves on having finally come up with the perfect template for having sex while remaining friends, though George doubts that their deal can work. On Elaine's birthday, Jerry inadvertently offends Elaine by giving her $182 in cash as a gift. Kramer, on the other hand, pleases Elaine by giving her a bench that she wanted. Jerry wants to end the agreement, but Elaine admits that she wants a full-fledged relationship and can no longer conform to the established rules. Realizing that he and Elaine cannot be only friends, Jerry resumes the romantic relationship. | |
| 15 | The Baby Shower | Larry Charles | May 16, 1991 | S02E10 | 204 | 17.2 | Elaine holds a baby shower for a friend at Jerry's apartment. George is excited, because he finds the baby shower to be the perfect opportunity to "tell off" the woman who gave him "unequivocally, the worst date of [his] life" by pouring Bosco chocolate sauce on his red sweater. However, he cannot muster the courage to do so. Meanwhile, Kramer convinces Jerry to pirate cable television to watch the Mets home games. When the Russian cable providers show up, they ruin the shower. | |
| 16 | The Chinese Restaurant | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | May 23, 1991 | S02E11 | 206 | 16.8 | Jerry, George, and Elaine decide to order dinner without reservations at a Chinese restaurant, but are repeatedly stymied by the maître d'. After they are repeatedly told that they will receive a table in "5, 10 minutes", Elaine mentions that she is so hungry, she would eat food off of another patron's plate. Jerry wagers $50 that she would. Elaine approaches the diners at a table and tells them that her friends would give her $50 to eat one of their egg rolls and that she is willing to give them $25 of it. The people at the table do not understand her, and Elaine walks away and loses the wager. Jerry, having lied to his uncle that he couldn't make it to dinner, sees his uncle's receptionist at the restaurant. Realizing that his cover is blown, he decides to have dinner with his uncle after all. George, who is unable to reach his girlfriend on the pay phone, and Elaine are more than willing to leave. After they do, the maitre d' calls their party. | |
| 17 | The Busboy | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | June 26, 1991 | S02E12 | 203 | 12.5 | Jerry, George, and Elaine are at dinner, when a menu on an adjacent table catches on fire. George puts it out and explains to the manager (John Del Regno) that the busboy, Antonio (David Labiosa), left the menu too close to a candle, and Elaine jokingly declares that she is never eating there again. Antonio is subsequently fired, upsetting Elaine and George. George and Kramer later go to his apartment to apologize, only to accidentally let his cat out of the apartment. A few days later, Antonio comes to see George, and tells him that there was an explosion at the restaurant, killing five employees, including Antonio's replacement. He also explains that, while he was searching for his cat, he found a better job. He thanks George for saving his life. On his way out of the building, Antonio gets in a fight with a boyfriend, Eddie (Doug Ballard), whom Elaine is trying to dump, injuring them both. Antonio loses his new job, George is forced to take care of his cat, and Eddie is bed ridden at Elaine's apartment for several more weeks. | |
| 18 | The Note | Larry David | September 18, 1991 | S03E01 | 301 | 21.7 | Jerry, George, and Elaine get free massage therapy by getting a note from Jerry's dentist, Roy (Ralph Bruneau). Jerry's therapist becomes paranoid and thinks Jerry is insane when Jerry makes some casual remarks about a small boy who was kidnapped in Pennsylvania. George becomes very uncomfortable when he finds out that his therapist is a man. He tells Jerry that he thinks 'it moved' during the massage and starts to have doubts about his sexual orientation. Roy gets into trouble for passing around fake notes. Jerry tries to see the physical therapist once more, but she is afraid that he will try to kidnap her son. The episode ends with the four eating in Monk's, and viewing Joe DiMaggio dunking his donuts. | |
| 19 | The Truth | Elaine Pope | September 25, 1991 | S03E02 | 302 | 16.7 | George tells his girlfriend Patrice (Valerie Mahaffey) the truth about why he ended their relationship; as a result, she checks herself into the Woodhaven mental institution. Jerry is very upset at this because he is being audited by the IRS and George's girlfriend, an accountant, was supposed to help him out. To make things worse, she has all of his tax papers and Jerry needs them back desperately. It was Kramer who had gotten Jerry into trouble by forcing him to contribute to a fake volcano relief fund. Kramer is also dating Elaine's roommate, Tina (Siobhan Fallon), and Elaine complains about the loud tribal music and sexual noises in her apartment. Kramer also walks into Elaine's room and sees her naked. | |
| 20 | The Pen | Larry David | October 2, 1991 | S03E03 | 305 | 15.1 | Jerry and Elaine go to Florida to visit Jerry's parents for the weekend and go scuba diving. Jack Klompus comes over to write Morty a check. Jerry notices Jack's pen. When he asks Jack about it, he tells Jerry that it can write upside down and that astronauts use it in space. Jack offers an interested Jerry the pen. Jerry refuses his offer several times, but Jack persists and Jerry finally gives in. At her own insistence, Elaine sleeps on a sofa bed with a bar that sticks up through the mattress and hurts her back. The next morning, Elaine's back is so hurt that she cannot go scuba diving with Jerry. Rumors begin to spread around the community that Jerry wanted Jack to give him the pen. Jack comes over again and Jerry returns the pen. The next day, a chiropractor looks at Elaine's back and tells her she should not go anywhere for at least five days. | |
| 21 | The Dog | Larry David | October 9, 1991 | S03E04 | 303 | 17.2 | Jerry is on a plane back home when the drunken man next to him falls sick and asks Jerry to take care of his dog while he recovers. He promises to call him and take the dog back when he comes to New York. The dog "Farfel" turns out to be very disobedient and Jerry cannot go out anywhere. Jerry, George and Elaine were supposed to see the movie Prognosis Negative but Jerry informs them that he has to take care of the dog and asks them to go without him. George and Elaine realize they do not have a lot in common without Jerry around. They have a good conversation only when they are making fun of Jerry and his habits. | |
| 22 | The Library | Larry Charles | October 16, 1991 | S03E05 | 304 | 16.4 | Jerry finds out that he is being fined for an unreturned library book from 1971: Tropic of Cancer. Jerry is convinced that he indeed did return the book, as he remembers he was with a high school sweetheart, Sherry Becker, that day and her orange dress is "burned into his memory". Jerry then finds his old high school girlfriend Sherry Becker, who tells Jerry that the book they read to each other was actually Tropic of Capricorn, not Cancer. Jerry then remembers that he actually loaned Cancer to George. Jerry then confronts George about the book, who has the flashback of Heyman's original wedgie in high school, where Jerry loaned him the book, and George left it there. Jerry reluctantly pays Mr. Bookman for the book. | |
| 23 | The Parking Garage | Larry David | October 30, 1991 | S03E06 | 306 | 17 | The cast is in search of Kramer's car in the multi-level parking garage of a shopping mall after Kramer purchases an air conditioner. Unfortunately, no one can remember where the car was parked. Jerry is eager to urinate and goes in a dark corner. After Jerry does so, he is spotted by an officer and is held in the officer's booth. Later, George is also caught in the act of urinating. Both Jerry and George are fined and released. Then by luck, the gang finds Kramer's car but unfortunately, Kramer, who has the car keys, is still lost somewhere in the garage. Hours later, Kramer shows up, having gone on his own hunt for the air conditioner. As they all enter the car, the engine fails to start. | |
| 24 | The Café | Tom Leopold | November 6, 1991 | S03E07 | 307 | 16.4 | Jerry becomes fascinated by an unsuccessful restaurant and gives the owner some friendly advice. George's girlfriend wants him to take an IQ test for an education course she is doing; worried that he will score badly, he persuades Elaine to take it for him instead. Jerry suggests that she take the test at the deserted Dream Café because she "won't hear a peep" there – but they reckon without Kramer's distracting presence. Elaine retakes the test in Jerry's apartment, but another collision with Kramer prevents her from returning it on time. Meanwhile, the Dream Café remains empty. | |
| 25 | The Tape | Larry David and Bob Shaw & Don McEnery | November 13, 1991 | S03E08 | 308 | 15.8 | George orders a baldness remedy from China. Elaine anonymously leaves an erotic message on Jerry's tape recorder which Jerry, George, and Kramer become obsessed with. She admits to George that she was the sexy voice in the tape. George is shocked to hear this and suddenly becomes attracted to her. She makes George promise not to tell her confession to Jerry or Kramer. George finds it hard to control his obsession with Elaine and finally blurts out to Elaine that he is attracted to her, in front of Jerry and Kramer. Elaine finds this news disturbing and then realizes that Jerry and Kramer have become attracted to her too. Freaked out, she immediately leaves Jerry's apartment. | |
| 26 | The Nose Job | Peter Mehlman | November 20, 1991 | S03E09 | 309 | 16.3 | George thinks his girlfriend is perfect, except for one flaw: she has a large nose, so Kramer encourages her to get rhinoplasty. Jerry is unsure about his relationship with an actress whom he finds beautiful but with whom he has nothing in common. George's girlfriend gets the rhinoplasty, but it is botched and George breaks up with her. However once it is fixed she is beautiful, and she starts dating Kramer, leaving George to regret breaking up with her. | |
| 27 | The Stranded | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld and Matt Goldman | November 27, 1991 | S03E10 | 209 | 18.6 | When a co-worker starts coming on to George, he strands Jerry and Elaine at a party, leaving them to wait for Kramer. As a sign of gratitude for allowing him and Elaine to wait at his home, Jerry suggests the hosts stop by his apartment if they are ever in New York. Weeks later, the male host takes him up on his offer just as Jerry is heading out the door. Jerry allows him to wait in the apartment until his return. However, Kramer stops by and he and the host have some drinks and laughs. Eventually they hire a prostitute to come over to Jerry's apartment. Later, the host checks out of the apartment without paying just as Jerry returns. As Jerry tries to pay the girl so she will leave, police arrive and he is "busted" for fomenting prostitution. | |
| 28 | The Alternate Side | Larry David and Bill Masters | December 4, 1991 | S03E11 | 310 | 18 | Jerry's car is stolen and he has a conversation with the car-jacker on the car phone. George takes a job moving cars from one side of the street to the other, to comply with alternate side parking regulations, and does a very careless job by crashing cars and causing traffic jams. Elaine cares for her 66-year-old boyfriend who has had a stroke just before she was about to break up with him. Kramer gets a line in a Woody Allen film, popularizing the expression, "These pretzels are making me thirsty!" He accidentally injures Woody Allen during the shooting and gets fired from the set. | |
| 29 | The Red Dot | Larry David | December 11, 1991 | S03E12 | 311 | 17.9 | Elaine gets George a job at a publishing company; to repay her, he buys her an ostensibly expensive cashmere sweater, that has a minor flaw, a red dot, for which it was marked down considerably. Elaine spots it and becomes furious at George. Elaine immediately returns the cashmere sweater to George. Later, While George was working at his new job, he becomes sexually attracted to a cleaning lady and has sex with her after they both drink Hennigan's Scotch. The next day, the cleaning lady gets upset over what happened the previous night and threatens to report what happened to the boss of the company. George tries to compensate with her by offering the flawed cashmere sweater. The cleaning lady identifies the red spot and George is fired after she reports their affair. | |
| 30 | The Subway | Larry Charles | January 8, 1992 | S03E13 | 313 | 18.7 | Each of the four principal characters has a unique experience during a subway ride. Jerry befriends an overweight nudist (Ernie Sabella) on his ride to Coney Island. George meets an enchanting woman (Barbara Stock), who seduces him, then robs him and handcuffs him to her bed, so he misses his job interview in the process. Kramer gets a horse racing tip and wins big, helping to pay for his car fines. But on his way back, Kramer is about to be menaced by another bidder, only to be saved by a cop posing as a blind violinist. Elaine misses a lesbian wedding, where she was to attend due to train delays, which make her very nervous along with her apparent claustrophobia. | |
| 31 | The Pez Dispenser | Larry David | January 15, 1992 | S03E14 | 314 | 19.2 | Jerry's dispenser of Pez candy causes Elaine to laugh loudly at a piano recital given by George's girlfriend. Kramer creates a cologne that smells of the beach. Jerry hosts an intervention for an old friend with a drug problem. George's girlfriend hears Elaine laughing, realizes that it was Elaine who ruined her concert, and walks out on George. Jerry's friend kicks his drug habit, but becomes addicted to Pez. | |
| 32 | The Suicide | Tom Leopold | January 29, 1992 | S03E15 | 312 | 16.9 | Elaine needs to fast before an x-ray, so she tries stuffing herself three days before the test. After his neighbor Martin tries to commit suicide, Jerry is hit on by his girlfriend, Gina, while at the hospital. A psychic warns George to cancel his vacation to the Cayman Islands. However, Elaine offends her, and the psychic kicks them out before she can tell George why he should cancel his vacation. In fear, George sells his ticket to Kramer. Jerry becomes worried when Martin's friend, Newman sees him with Gina. Elaine starts hallucinating from hunger. Newman tells everything to the just-waking Martin. Then, in a fit of jealousy Martin tries to strangle Jerry. | |
| 33 | The Fix-Up | Elaine Pope & Larry Charles | February 5, 1992 | S03E16 | 317 | 18.5 | George says that he would never sink to fix-ups, saying that a fix-up is one step away from prostitution or personal ads (However, in The Race he replies to a personal ad in the Daily Worker). Jerry and Elaine set George up with Elaine's friend Cynthia. They hit it off but George is horrified to discover that Kramer has given him a defective condom. George's girlfriend says she misses her period. | |
| 34 | The Boyfriend, Part 1 | Larry David and Larry Levin | February 12, 1992 | S03E17 | 315 | 17 | Jerry meets Keith Hernandez and wants to make a good impression. Meanwhile, George is out of time on his unemployment and he works harder than ever on his scheme to get a 13-week extension. He tells the unemployment office he was close to a job with Vandelay Industries, a company that makes latex products and whose main office is Jerry's apartment. Kramer and Newman take Hernandez back to a time when they were allegedly spit on by him; however, Jerry supports the "second-spitter theory" that Hernandez was not involved. Keith asks Jerry about Elaine's status. Keith makes a date with her and breaks a date with Jerry. | |
| 35 | The Boyfriend, Part 2 | Larry David and Larry Levin | February 12, 1992 | S03E18 | 316 | 17 | George tries two more approaches with the unemployment officer. Kramer gets Jerry to accompany him to see a former neighbor's new baby, "you got to see the baby." Though he's gone out with Keith once, does that mean he must help him move? Elaine and Keith are hitting it off until he pulls out a cigarette. George wants to sleep with a really tall woman. Keith supports the "second spitter theory." Jerry and Elaine both break up with Keith and George might get his wish. | |
| 36 | The Limo | Story by: Marc Jaffe Teleplay: Larry Charles |
February 26, 1992 | S03E19 | 318 | 19.5 | Jerry and George board a limousine intended for a passenger named O'Brien. George pretends to be O'Brien. They invite Kramer and Elaine to join them. George learns that O'Brien is making a speech that night, and as he reads the speech. The group learns that the intended riders were neo-Nazis, for whom they have been mistaken. The car pulls up to the Paramount and the protesters begin rocking it. George is ushered onto a podium for his speech, and the protesters horde around him as he frantically denies being O'Brian and shouts for Jerry. | |
| 37 | The Good Samaritan | Peter Mehlman | March 4, 1992 | S03E20 | 319 | 16.1 | Jerry witnesses a hit-and-run driver hitting another car. He goes after the driver, but when the driver steps out he realizes that she is a beautiful woman and decides to date her. After dating Angela, the hit-and-run driver, Jerry finds out she also hit Becky, another woman he has always wanted to date. He tells Becky that he will do something about the damage. Meanwhile, Kramer has convulsions from Mary Hart's voice. Jerry goes to Becky's house to write out a check for her damage and then ask her out, but Becky falsely accuses him of hitting her car. Kramer uses the accident as an excuse to talk to Becky and ends up getting a date with her. But when he rings the bell at her apartment and she opens the door, Mary Hart is on the TV and Kramer has another convulsion. | |
| 38 | The Letter | Larry David | March 25, 1992 | S03E21 | 320 | 22.3 | Kramer poses for a portrait by Jerry's girlfriend Nina, which an elderly couple admires. George feels obligated to buy something when he accompanies Jerry to his new girlfriend's art studio, and purchases a $500 painting, which he tries to sell to Jerry for $10 shortly thereafter. Elaine wears a Baltimore Orioles baseball cap in the owner's box at Yankee Stadium, and refuses to remove it. Jerry finds out his new girlfriend is a plagiarist after he hears the words she wrote in a letter on television (specifically, the film Chapter Two). The elderly couple buy "The Kramer" for $5000 and invite Kramer himself over to their house for dinner. | |
| 39 | The Parking Space | Larry David and Greg Daniels | April 22, 1992 | S03E22 | 322 | 17.8 | George drives with Elaine to Jerry's to watch a big televised fight with him. He finds a parking space, and decides to back into it. He spends a good deal of time positioning himself perfectly. When he starts backing into the space, Mike, also there for the fight at Jerry's, enters the same space, front first. The two argue over who is entitled to the space, all the while blocking traffic. Mike argues that he entered the space first, while George argues that he saw it first and was simply positioning himself, entitling him to the space. Jerry and Kramer also come down to try to settle the problem. Near the end of the episode, two police officers finally arrive to supposedly resolve the situation. However, when one tells Mike to move his car, the other argues against him, and by now, it is night time. | |
| 40 | The Keys | Larry Charles | May 6, 1992 | S03E23 | 321 | 16.4 | Kramer invades Jerry's life too much, so Jerry revokes his spare key privileges. Realizing that he has broken the "covenant of the keys" gives Kramer the realization he is now free to come out of the shadows. Kramer takes off for California to follow his dream of becoming an actor. Jerry gave his spare keys to Elaine, then when he needs them, he goes to Elaine's home with George, who has spare keys to her place, to search for his spare set. They end up finding Elaine's writing project for an episode of Murphy Brown. Kramer finds adventure as he journeys across the country to Los Angeles where he gets a famous bit part on Murphy Brown. | |
| 41 | The Trip, Part 1 | Larry Charles | August 12, 1992 | 401 | S04E01 | 16.3 | When Jerry is asked to appear on The Tonight Show in Los Angeles, George accompanies him to look for Kramer, in a continuation of the season three finale. | |
| 42 | The Trip, Part 2 | Larry Charles | August 19, 1992 | 402 | S04E02 | 15.1 | Kramer is arrested when he is mistaken for a serial killer. After he is exonerated, Jerry, George, and he return to New York. | |
| 43 | The Pitch | Larry David | September 16, 1992 | 403 | S04E03 | 17.6 | NBC television executives approach Jerry and George to write a pilot for a sitcom. Crazy Joe Davola begins to stalk both Jerry and Kramer. | |
| 44 | The Ticket | Larry David | September 16, 1992 | 404 | S04E04 | 17.6 | Newman uses Kramer as his witness when the former refuses to pay for a speeding ticket. In court, they make up a story of why he was he going that fast: Newman was trying to stop Kramer from killing himself because he didn't get a job as a banker. | |
| 45 | The Wallet | Larry David | September 23, 1992 | 405 | S04E05 | 17.6 | Jerry's parents come to New York to see a doctor for the back pain of Jerry's father. Morty Seinfeld thinks his wallet has been stolen at the doctor's. So he leaves without hearing the diagnosis. Jerry is asked to explain to his parents why he does not wear the watch they gave him. George has an unsuccessful plan to hold out for more money for their NBC pilot ($13,000 all together). | |
| 46 | The Watch | Larry David | September 30, 1992 | 406 | S04E06 | 15.2 | Jerry tries to buy his watch back from Uncle Leo, who found it in the garbage, having been thrown there by Jerry. George tries to resurrect the fledgling NBC deal, while Elaine plans a break up from her psychotherapist with Kramer's help. George gets the pilot back, by accepting less money ($8,000). | |
| 47 | The Bubble Boy | Larry David & Larry Charles | October 7, 1992 | 407 | S04E07 | 17.1 | Jerry agrees to visit a boy who lives in a plastic bubble on the way to Susan's parents' cabin. Jerry loses his way driving with Elaine and loses George as the lead car driver, so George and Susan visit the boy instead. Kramer goes to the cabin with Jerry's ex-girlfriend, resulting in a fire. | |
| 48 | The Cheever Letters | Story by: Larry David and Elaine Pope & Tom Leopold Teleplay by: Larry David |
October 28, 1992 | 408 | S04E08 | 15.1 | Jerry offends Elaine's assistant. Kramer makes a contact for Cuban cigars. A box of letters from John Cheever is all that remains after Susan's father's cabin burns down. The letters revealed that Susan's father is a lover of John Cheever. | |
| 49 | The Opera | Larry Charles | November 4, 1992 | 409 | S04E09 | 16.7 | Elaine realizes her boyfriend is actually Crazy Joe Davola. George, Jerry, and she then endure a night at the opera with a group of clowns. Kramer and George try to sell their two extra tickets, resulting for George not going to the opera, because he sold Susan's ticket to a Chinese man, and let Susan go to the opera instead of him. Kramer accidentally sells his spare ticket to Joe Davola. | |
| 50 | The Virgin | Story by: Peter Mehlman and Peter Farrelly & Bob Farrelly Teleplay by: Peter Mehlman |
November 11, 1992 | 410 | S04E10 | 16.2 | Jerry discovers the woman (guest star Jane Leeves) he is dating is a virgin. Kramer continues to harass Jerry and George when they are trying to write a teleplay for their NBC pilot. Elaine accidentally speaks of how a man was seducing her to have sex with her in front of Marla (the virgin). She later explains to her how men want to have sex with women. Susan breaks up with George because he accidentally got her fired by kissing her in front of her boss. | |
| 51 | The Contest | Larry David | November 18, 1992 | 411 | S04E11 | 18.5 | After George is caught masturbating by his mother, the four main characters devise a contest to see who can go the longest without pleasuring themself. Marla, Jerry's girlfriend with whom he has yet to have sex, learns of the contest and is disgusted. Elaine meets John F. Kennedy, Jr., and George's mother is hospitalized. Kramer was the first to leave the contest, next Elaine (George and Jerry didn't leave the contest and their fate is unknown). | |
| 52 | The Airport | Larry Charles | November 25, 1992 | 412 | S04E12 | 14.5 | Jerry and Elaine experience the differences between traveling in first class and in coach. Jerry befriends a model while Elaine goes though economy class hell. George and Kramer travel to two different airports after a flight is rerouted. Kramer tries to get a guy who owes him 240 bucks from 20 years ago. George has an inflight run-in with a felon. | |
| 53 | The Pick | Story by: Larry David and Marc Jaffe Teleplay by: Larry David |
December 16, 1992 | 413 | S04E13 | 16.2 | Elaine mails a Christmas card that is unintentionally revealing. George is trying to get Susan back to be his girlfriend again, with the help of Elaine's psychiatrist. Jerry is seen ostensibly picking his nose by his new girlfriend, a model, and tries to convince her that he was only scratching around his nose. Kramer ends up appearing in a Calvin Klein underwear photoshoot. | |
| 54 | The Movie | Steve Skrovan & Bill Masters & Jon Hayman | January 6, 1993 | 415 | S04E14 | 17.6 | The four main characters continually miss each other as they try to attend a film together, and three of them wind up viewing the B-grade movie "Rochelle Rochelle". Jerry also ends up missing two of his performances due to starting time mixups. | |
| 55 | The Visa | Peter Mehlman | January 27, 1993 | 414 | S04E15 | 11.5 | Kramer attends a baseball "dream" camp. Elaine manages to get George's new attorney girlfriend to convince her cousin Ping to drop a lawsuit against her. George wants Jerry to not act funny in front of his girlfriend because he's afraid she'll dump him. Jerry then acts solemly around her, but she starts liking him anyway. Babu Bhatt's attempts to stop being deported are unsuccessful because his visa renewal paperwork ended up in Jerry's mailbox. | |
| 56 | The Shoes | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 4, 1993 | 417 | S04E16 | 26.9 | Elaine tries to stop Jerry's ex-girlfriend to stop talking to everyone about her new shoes. She goes to a restaurant to confront her, but ends up sneezing on some food. Jerry and George have their television pilot shelved after each sneaks a look at the cleavage of the 15 year-old daughter of the now ill NBC executive; Elaine however dresses up to ameliorate the problem. | |
| 57 | The Outing | Larry Charles | February 11, 1993 | 416 | S04E17 | 28 | It's Jerry's birthday soon and his friends are deciding on presents for him. Jerry and George, in a prank started by Elaine, are mistaken as a gay couple by a college newspaper reporter and are publicly outed. They make matters worse in trying to fix the problem, and their parents end up hearing the news too. | |
| 58 | The Old Man | Story by: Bruce Kirschbaum Teleplay by: Larry Charles |
February 18, 1993 | 418 | S04E18 | 22.7 | Jerry, George, and Elaine volunteer to spend time enriching senior citizens' lives. All of them however have bad experiences: George is fired by his for being too argumentative; Jerry's is old and cranky but with a beautiful maid; and Elaine's (who had an affair with Gandhi) has a huge goiter. Meanwhile, Kramer and Newman collect old records to make money, but end up making nothing but trouble. | |
| 59 | The Implant | Peter Mehlman | February 25, 1993 | 419 | S04E19 | 27.4 | Jerry sends Elaine to find out if his new girlfriend's (guest star Teri Hatcher) breasts are natural. George decides to go to his girlfriend's funeral, but trouble begins when he tries to get a copy of the death certificate, and then worse when he "double-dips" a cornchip at the wake. Elaine accidentally touches Sidra's breasts in the sauna, and informs Jerry that they're real. Jerry then asks Sidra over, but it all ends badly as they are interrupted by Kramer, who is off to Puerto Rico, and Elaine. | |
| 60 | The Junior Mint | Andy Robin | March 18, 1993 | 421 | S04E20 | 26.4 | Jerry cannot remember the name of his new girlfriend, and the only hint he has is that it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy. Elaine goes to the hospital to visit a former artist friend, and Kramer tags along looking for gloves. From the observation balcony Kramer accidentally drops a Junior Mints candy into the man's chest. George, with his school savings, then buys some of the man's paintings, hoping if he dies they'll become more valuable, but the man recovers. Jerry, unable to decipher her name, loses his new girlfriend. | |
| 61 | The Smelly Car | Larry David & Peter Mehlman | April 15, 1993 | 422 | S04E21 | 25 | After going to dinner with Elaine, a valet with offensive body odor stinks up Jerry's car and anyone who comes in contact with it. George, trying to return a copy of "Rochelle Rochelle", bumps into Susan at the video store, and believes he affected her becoming a lesbian. Matters become more complicated as Elaine's new boyfriend is turned off by the BO, Jerry is unable to purify the car's interior, George's video is stolen, and Kramer begins an affair with Susan's girlfriend. | |
| 62 | The Handicap Spot | Larry David | May 13, 1993 | 420 | S04E22 | 27.6 | While buying a TV engagement gift for "The Drake", George parks his father Frank's car in a handicap parking spot; afterwards a disabled driver is injured and an angry mob destroy the car. When the wedding is called off, they try to get the television back, but the presents have been donated to charity. Later, Mr. Costanza is arrested for George's parking misdemeanor, and George becomes his butler since he is unable to repay the car damages. Kramer visits and falls in love with the handicapped woman, and convinces George to help buy her a replacement wheelchair; they get a cheap one, but the brakes are defective. Finally, while impersonating charity workers, George and Kramer are able to get the TV back. | |
| 63 | The Pilot, Part 1 | Larry David | May 20, 1993 | 423 | S04E23 | 32.8 | Jerry and George begin casting for their pilot, Jerry, which is finally ready. George is upset over the casting of his alter ego. NBC executive Russell Dalrymple becomes obsessed with Elaine, who files a complaint when she concludes that Monk's is hiring only large-breasted women. | |
| 64 | The Pilot, Part 2 | Larry David | May 20, 1993 | 424 | S04E24 | 32.8 | In part 2, Jerry and George prepare for the taping of Jerry and each of the principal four gives tips to his/her television alter ego. Joe Davola makes one final attempt on Jerry's life during production, but is foiled. Elaine wears a disguise to hide from Dalrymple and finds out that the large-breasted women are the owner's daughters. The show Jerry is rejected right after the pilot airs because the new NBC president doesn't like it. Jerry and George blame it on Elaine because of her dumping Dalrymple, who has run away to save whales. | |
| 65 | The Mango | Story by: Lawrence H. Levy Teleplay by: Lawrence H. Levy and Larry David |
September 16, 1993 | 501 | S05E01 | 28.2 | George confides in Jerry about his lack of confidence performing in bed. Elaine tells Jerry that she faked all her orgasms when they were a couple; devastated, he begs her for another chance. Kramer gets banned from his favorite fruit shop and persuades Jerry to go in and buy for him, but the owner, played by Leonard Termo, sees through the scheme. George ends up buying Kramer's mangoes and discovers a cure for his impotence. | |
| 66 | The Puffy Shirt | Larry David | September 23, 1993 | 503 | S05E02 | 29.5 | George runs out of money and is forced to move back in with his nit-picky parents. Jerry and Elaine meet Kramer's new girlfriend, a clothes designer who speaks so quietly no one can hear her. Jerry later finds out that during their conversation she had asked him to wear her hideous new 'puffy shirt' for a homeless clothing charity appearance he is due to make on "The Today Show" – worse, without realising it he had said yes to her. Meanwhile, George accidentally stumbles into a lucrative new, but ultimately short lived, career – hand modeling. | |
| 67 | The Glasses | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | September 30, 1993 | 502 | S05E03 | 28.7 | George's glasses are missing, so he has to buy a new pair. Kramer says he know a place where he gets 30% discount if he just says his name. George goes to the place, and buys the glasses, but doesn't get the discount. Kramer soon forces the clerk, who Kramer had helped to stop eating so much sweets, to give George the discount by waving a candy bar in his face. In the same place, Elaine is bitten by a dog and becomes afraid of them. George believes he saw Jerry's girlfriend kissing another man, although he didn't have glasses. Jerry goes to any means necessary to find out the truth. Elaine begins having some side effects from the dog bite. Kramer buys Jerry a new air conditioner, which falls from Jerry's window onto the dog that bit Elaine. | |
| 68 | The Sniffing Accountant | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | October 7, 1993 | 504 | S05E04 | 28.4 | George's father gets him an interview as a brassiere salesman. Evidence points to Jerry's accountant being a cocaine user. Jerry, Kramer and Newman set up a sting to find out the truth. Elaine's new boyfriend is perfect except for his unwillingness to use exclamation points. | |
| 69 | The Bris | Larry Charles | October 14, 1993 | 505 | S05E05 | 28.7 | Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer visit some friends and their new baby at the hospital. Kramer claims to have seen a Pig Man in one of the rooms. Jerry and Elaine are chosen as godparents to their friends' child, and they must attend the bris. Kramer says that being godparents is a bad thing and warns them of not being godparents. Elaine hires an insane mohel for the ceremony, in which Jerry gets injured and has to be taken to the hospital, where he is accused over and over again for flinching. While in the hospital, George confronts the hospital's manager about a man who jumped to his death and landed on his car, and she angrily rejects him. Kramer takes the Pig Man away from the hospital and learns he is actually a mentally challenged man who steals George's car. In the end, Jerry and Elaine are no longer godparents of the baby, instead the parents chose Kramer to be the godfather. | |
| 70 | The Lip Reader | Carol Leifer | October 28, 1993 | 506 | S05E06 | 31 | Jerry goes to a tennis tournament and starts dating a deaf lineswoman who can read lips. George spys on his ex-girlfriend to find out why they broke up. They go to a party, all five of them; before they go Jerry advises George to be careful with her because when he said "six is good", she misread it as "sex is good". Kramer knows sign language, and translates for her. She misreads another word wrong (sleep to sweep), which changed the tone of the whole conversation the ex and a party guest had, causing George to have problems. Elaine pretends she can't hear to avoid talking to annoying limousine driver. | |
| 71 | The Non-Fat Yogurt | Larry David | November 4, 1993 | 508 | S05E07 | 31.1 | Jerry, Elaine and George are obsessed with a non-fat yogurt, but they begin to think it isn't non-fat at all when the three of them gain weight. They send a sample to a lab to see if is really non-fat. George has a rivalry with Lloyd Braun, the advisor to the up-for-reelection mayor David Dinkins, and to make it even worse Elaine goes out with him. Elaine costs Dinkins the election by proposing that everyone wears name tags. The non-fat yogurt is revealed to have fat. Kramer's sexual encounter with a chemist causes a blood test being done on mayoral candidate Rudy Giuliani's blood to show a false result. Jerry accidentally says the word "fuck" in front of a kid that can't stop repeating that word, in good or bad situations. He tells the kid to stop saying it, but he said it again to him. In the end he ruined his dad's business and the kid says it to him. | |
| 72 | The Barber | Andy Robin | November 11, 1993 | 507 | S05E08 | 29.7 | Jerry gets tired of his old barber and tries to replace him. However, he panics and decides to take a final haircut with his old barber, who gives him a bad haircut that George thinks makes him look like a five-year-old. Jerry decides that he will fix his hair with the new barber. Jerry's old barber becomes suspicious and bribes Newman to confirm his hunch. George is afraid that he will not get his job when his boss couldn't repeat the final words he was going to say. He decides to hide from his boss and secretly start working there, until he is ratted out by one of his co-workers. | |
| 73 | The Masseuse | Peter Mehlman | November 18, 1993 | 509 | S05E09 | 27.7 | Jerry starts dating a masseuse who refuses to give him a massage, even though she has given one to Kramer. George is worried that Jerry's girlfriend does not like him. Jerry tries to convince her to give him a massage, but he fails. They eventually break up. | |
| 74 | The Cigar Store Indian | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | December 9, 1993 | 510 | S05E10 | 29.6 | Jerry gives Elaine a cigar store Indian, thus offending a Native American woman in whom he is interested. He tries to make peace with her, but Kramer ruins the moment when he talks about the cigar store Indian. She eventually gives him another chance, and this time Jerry is more careful than he was before. The evening ends in disaster when he accidentally says something bad about Native Americans; they break up. | |
| 75 | The Conversion | Bruce Kirschbaum | December 16, 1993 | 511 | S05E11 | 28.3 | George's girlfriend breaks up with him because he is not Latvian Orthodox. George tries to get her back by joining the religion. Meanwhile, Kramer discovers that he has "kavorka", a Latvian term for the lure of the animal, only in this case he attracts women to him – which nearly gets him into trouble when a nun is attracted to him. | |
| 76 | The Stall | Larry Charles | January 6, 1994 | 512 | S05E12 | 35 | Elaine gets upset with Jerry's girlfriend (without knowing that she is his girlfriend) when they fight over a piece of toilet paper. Elaine, however, swears she could identify her voice anywhere. Elaine's boyfriend shares a bond with George and Kramer, which eventually ends in disaster when George and Kramer accidentally let go of his rope while rock climbing. Kramer is convinced that the voice of Jerry's new girlfriend resembles 'Erika', a voice on a phone sex line that he has been calling. The woman is indeed revealed to be Jerry's girlfriend. Elaine recognizes her voice and beats her to the bathroom to take away her toilet paper. | |
| 77 | The Dinner Party | Larry David | February 3, 1994 | 514 | S05E13 | 33 | Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are invited to a dinner party, but they encounter problems along the way. Elaine and Jerry are stuck in a bakery trying to get the perfect cake; George and Kramer encounter problems at a liquor store when they are double parked in. In the end, they drive to the party, hand over the cake and the liquor to the party, but leave immediately after they hand them over. | |
| 78 | The Marine Biologist | Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin | February 10, 1994 | S05E14 | 513 | 35 | Jerry meets up an old friend from college and lies that George works as a marine biologist. Kramer goes to the beach to play golf, which he later regrets when he only able to hit one ball. George gets a date with Diane on the beach where they discuss what marine biologists do. Elaine has a calamitous encounter – twice – with a famous Russian writer and flying electronic devices. In the middle of George's date with Diane at the beach, people gather around a dying whale ; George, supposedly being a marine biologist, is asked to save the whale. George dramatically retells his struggle and reveals what had been causing the whale pain – a golf ball. | |
| 79 | The Pie | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | February 17, 1994 | 515 | S05E15 | Jerry is upset when his girlfriend refuses to share a piece of pie with him because she's full. Kramer, suffering from an itchy back, sees a mannequin in a department store which looks just like Elaine. Elaine and George go to the store and notice that it's true. George schemes to buy a 1/2 price suit there, but becomes concerned for his interview when he learns that it makes a "swoosh" when he moves. Elaine and Gerry return to the store, and Elaine suddenly kidnaps "herself". The maker of the mannequin is revealed as the strange man on the subway who took and cut up George's father's TV guide (episode 10). | ||
| 80 | The Stand-In | Larry David | February 24, 1994 | 516 | S05E16 | 25.4 | Jerry learns from his friend Al Netche that another friend, Fulton, is in the hospital and "could use a good laugh". He becomes so nervous to do a good job, he ends up bombing and is afraid that he cause Fulton's condition to worsen. He tries again with new stand-up material, at which Fulton can't stop laughing, and ends up dying from it. George plans to break up with his girlfriend because they have nothing to talk about. However, Al told his girlfriend that George couldn't commit and would hurt her, so George keeps the relationship going to spite Al. Jerry sets up Elaine with his friend Phil Titola; they have a great time, until Phil takes it out. Kramer and his "little person" friend Mickey get jobs as stand-ins for All My Children, and Kramer suggests that Mickey put lifts in his shoes to keep up with a growing eight-year-old. His "heightening" is found out, and he is ostracized by other "little person" actors. | |
| 81 | The Wife | Peter Mehlman | March 17, 1994 | 517 | S05E17 | 30.7 | Jerry's girlfriend (Courteney Cox) makes him pretend they are married so that she can get a dry-cleaning discount; the pretence leads to tensions in their relationship. Kramer also takes advantage of the discount, but can't sleep without his quilt. Meanwhile, at the health club George is caught urinating in the shower by a man whom Elaine would like to date. Her dilemma: does she side with George or with the prospective boyfriend? | |
| 83 | The Raincoats, Part 1 | Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | April 28, 1994 | 519 | S05E18 | 29.6 | Jerry's parents visit from Florida and Morty and Kramer go into business together selling belt-less raincoats. Elaine dates a "close-talker" who takes to Jerry's parents a little too well for her liking. George tries to sell his father's old vacation clothes and is talked into joining a Bigger Brother program. Jerry is desperate for time alone with his girlfriend, Rachel, but his parents make things difficult. | |
| 83 | The Raincoats, Part 2 | Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | April 28, 1994 | 520 | S05E19 | 29.6 | Newman dobs Jerry in to his parents for making out with Rachel during Schindler's List. Morty and Kramer's raincoats scheme goes awry when Rudy, the owner of the used clothes store, refuses to buy them. George tries to get his father's clothes back so he and his mother will go on vacation. | |
| 84 | The Fire | Larry Charles | May 5, 1994 | 518 | S05E20 | 27.6 | George is dating a woman who has a kid. While at his birthday party, George smells smoke and knocks all the women and children out of the way to get out of the fire. Elaine is not happy about having to work on Kramer's coffee table book and is passed over for a promotion when Toby, Kramer's publisher, is injured and is promoted out of pity. Toby heckles Jerry during one of his sets, which causes problems between Jerry and Kramer. | |
| 85 | The Hamptons | Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer | May 12, 1994 | 522 | S05E21 | 24.5 | The four friends spend a weekend in the Hamptons visiting a couple and their phenomenally ugly baby. George's girlfriend sunbathes topless and he is the only one to miss the spectacle. Jerry's girlfriend surprises George as he is getting changed after swimming in cold water; his 'shrinkage' causes her some amusement. Meanwhile, Elaine meets a doctor who seems to find everything 'breathtaking', and Kramer brings home a suspiciously large lobster catch. | |
| 86 | The Opposite | Andy Cowan and Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | May 19, 1994 | 521 | S05E22 | 30.1 | George, egged on by Jerry, decides that since his instincts are all wrong he will do the opposite of what they tell him; sure enough, he soon finds himself with a beautiful girlfriend and a great job. Meanwhile, everything starts to go wrong for Elaine. Jerry breaks even at everything, and Kramer seems bound for literary success with his coffee table book about coffee tables. | |
| 87 | The Chaperone | Larry David and Bill Masters & Bob Shaw | September 22, 1994 | 601 | S06E01 | 32.8 | Jerry meets Miss Rhode Island, who is competing in the Miss America pageant and consequently must be chaperoned on her date with Jerry; Kramer fills the role and quickly becomes her personal coach. Elaine seeks to follow in the footsteps of Jackie Kennedy Onassis in securing a position with Doubleday, but she soon finds her job as personal assistant to an executive to be unfulfilling. George replaces polyester with cotton as the material for the Yankees' uniforms, with alarming results. | |
| 88 | The Big Salad | Larry David | September 29, 1994 | 602 | S06E02 | 32.4 | Elaine must find a special mechanical pencil for her new boss and soon finds herself dealing with the romantic advances of a stationary store clerk. George purchases a "big salad" for Elaine, but his girlfriend appears to take credit for the purchase. Jerry learns that his current girlfriend formerly dated Newman, who ended the relationship. Kramer plays golf with an ex-Major League Baseballer, whose rules violations Kramer notes, giving rise to a fight. The man is later suspected in the murder of a dry cleaner, and Kramer helps the man flee in a white Ford Bronco in a situation similar to that of O. J. Simpson. | |
| 89 | The Pledge Drive | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | October 6, 1994 | 603 | S06E03 | 29.8 | Elaine's boss, Justin Pitt, eats a Snickers bar with a knife and fork, starting a trend that seems to sweep the city. Jerry and Elaine deal with a couple who sound altogether similar on the phone. Jerry cashes checks long since written by his grandmother, causing her account to become overdrawn. Jerry works on a public television fundraiser and convinces George to bring Yankee Danny Tartabull. | |
| 90 | The Chinese Woman | Peter Mehlman | October 13, 1994 | 604 | S06E04 | 29.2 | Jerry and Elaine see George's father with a man in a cape but don't say hello. Jerry discovers a Chinese woman, Donna Chang on George's phone line after the wires get crossed and he gets a date with her but learns she isn't Chinese. Kramer goes to a fertility clinic. Elaine ruins her friend Noreen's latest romance with a long talker. George's life is made miserable when his parents separate. | |
| 91 | The Couch | Larry David | October 27, 1994 | 605 | S06E05 | 28 | Elaine begins to date the guy who delivers Jerry's new couch. Kramer plans to start a pizza business with Poppie. George joins a book club, but tries to rent the movie. Jerry and Elaine's discussion of the abortion issue causes trouble for Poppie, Elaine's relationship & Jerry's new couch. George spends the evening with the family that has rented the film, with less than spectacular results. | |
| 92 | The Gymnast | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | November 3, 1994 | 606 | S06E06 | 30.6 | Jerry dates a Romanian Olympic gymnast. Jerry and Kramer find out about one of George's bathroom habits. Kramer passes a kidney stone. George is caught eating out of the trash. Mr. Pitt becomes obsessed with finding the image in a 3-D painting. | |
| 93 | The Soup | Fred Stoller | November 10, 1994 | 608 | S06E07 | 29.6 | Elaine brings over a man she met in England and he turns out to be a real bounder. Jerry accepts an Armani suit from an obnoxious comedian, who only wants dinner in return. George goes for a walk with a waitress from Monk's. After his kidney stone, Kramer decides to eat only fresh foods. | |
| 94 | The Mom & Pop Store | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | November 17, 1994 | 607 | S06E08 | 32.4 | A salesman convinces George to buy a convertible once owned by "Jon Voight." Kramer tries to save a small shoe-repair business, but his good intentions affect Jerry in a big way. Elaine wins tickets for Mr. Pitt, who's always wanted to participate in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. | |
| 95 | The Secretary | Carol Leifer & Marjorie Gross | December 8, 1994 | 609 | S06E09 | 29.7 | Jerry confronts his dry cleaner. George passes over hiring an attractive secretary for a less attractive one. Kramer gets Uma Thurman's phone number. Elaine tries to buy a dress, but is unsatisfied with the inaccurate mirrors in the store. | |
| 96 | The Race | Story by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David & Sam Kass Teleplay by: Tom Gammill & Max Pross and Larry David |
December 15, 1994 | 612 | S06E10 | 26.8 | Jerry meets an old rival, who suspects that he cheated in a high school race. Elaine is put on a "blacklist" and finds out her boyfriend is a Communist. George responds to a personal ad in a Communist newspaper. Kramer becomes a department store Santa. | |
| 97 | The Switch | Bruce Kirschbaum and Sam Kass | January 5, 1995 | 610 | S06E11 | 36.6 | Elaine lets a potential employer borrow Mr. Pitt's tennis racket. Jerry's girlfriend never laughs. George's model girlfriend may be bulimic. Kramer's first name is revealed, Cosmo. Kramer begins to use his first name. | |
| 98 | The Label Maker | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | January 19, 1995 | 611 | S06E12 | 36.2 | Elaine and Jerry think Tim Whatley is a "re-gifter". George convinces his girlfriend to get her male roommate to move out. Kramer takes playing a game of Risk against Newman seriously. | |
| 99 | The Scofflaw | Peter Mehlman | January 26, 1995 | 613 | S06E13 | 33.4 | George meets an old friend (Jon Lovitz) who's spent the last few months undergoing chemotherapy. Kramer calls a litterbug "a pig" near a cop. Kramer asks Elaine where her old boyfriend got his glasses. George gets a toupee. | |
| 100 | The Highlights of 100, Part 1 | Peter Mehlman | February 2, 1995 | 623 | S06E14 | 34 | Jerry introduces a program that shows highlights from the first 99 episodes of a "show about nothing." | |
| 101 | The Highlights of 100, Part 2 | Peter Mehlman | February 2, 1995 | 624 | S06E15 | 34 | More highlights from the first 99 episodes of the "show about nothing." | |
| 102 | The Beard | Carol Leifer | February 9, 1995 | 615 | S06E16 | 32.9 | Elaine tries to convert a gay man. George discovers that the woman Kramer has set him up with is bald. Kramer begins standing in police lineups for $50 a lineup. Jerry begins to date a cop, but she wants him to take a lie detector test about Melrose Place. | |
| 103 | The Kiss Hello | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 16, 1995 | 614 | S06E17 | 33.4 | Elaine's friend has an old style hairdo, that Jerry and Elaine want Kramer to comment on. Jerry's grandmother wants him to open a ketchup bottle. Kramer puts tenant pictures up in the lobby. George gets his arm looked at. Elaine injures her shoulder carrying equipment home, and can't get any complementary treatment by her friend who is a physiotherapist. | |
| 104 | The Doorman | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | February 23, 1995 | 616 | S06E18 | 33.4 | The doorman in Mr. Pitt's building causes trouble for Jerry. Kramer robs George on the street for some German tourists. George's father is living with him. Kramer develops a new undergarment for males. Jerry offers his soiled couch to replace the one that was stolen while he was "on duty." | |
| 105 | The Jimmy | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | March 16, 1995 | 617 | S06E19 | 31.1 | The guys play a game of basketball with "the Jimmy". Jerry discovers they carry Penthouse in a dental office waiting room. Elaine gets tickets to a benefit for AMCA featuring Mel Tormé, the "Velvet Fog." Elaine tries to meet a handsome guy at the gym, but instead talks with "the Jimmy", who makes the date for himself. Kramer has a visit to the dentist complete with Novocain. | |
| 106 | The Doodle | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | April 6, 1995 | 618 | S06E20 | 30.7 | Jerry finds out he was eating pecans that were in his girlfriend's mouth. George finds a doodle that his girlfriend (Christa Miller) drew of him. Kramer is eating some tasty peaches that come in season for two weeks every year, but he loses his sense of taste. Fleas force Jerry and his parents out of his apartment. Elaine has an interview with a publisher. Elaine must go into Jerry's fumigated apartment to get an unpublished manuscript. George finds out that his girlfriend really doesn't care what he looks like. | |
| 107 | The Fusilli Jerry | Story by: Marjorie Gross & Jonathan Gross and Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin Teleplay by: Marjorie Gross |
April 27, 1995 | 619 | S06E21 | 28.2 | Kramer gets his new license plates from the DMV, but the plates say "ASSMAN." Jerry finds out his mechanic used his "move" on Elaine while making love to her. Kramer makes a statue of Jerry out of fusilli pasta. | |
| 108 | The Diplomat's Club | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | May 4, 1995 | 620 | S06E22 | 28.9 | Jerry plans to meet a super model at an airport club, but his assistant makes the trip a nightmare. Elaine says she will quit working for Mr. Pitt, but finds out that she's going to be in his will. George tries to prove to his boss that he is not a racist, when he says his boss looks like Sugar Ray Leonard. Kramer meets a rich Texan with whom he starts making bets. | |
| 109 | The Face Painter | Story by: Larry David and Fred Stoller Teleplay by Larry David |
May 11, 1995 | 622 | S06E23 | 26.5 | Elaine's boyfriend David Puddy paints his face and his behavior at a hockey game makes a priest believes he has seen the devil. A monkey throws a banana peel at Kramer. George tries to tell his girlfriend that he loves her. Jerry refuses to give the "necessary" follow-up courtesy thank you for the hockey tickets. | |
| 110 | The Understudy | Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer | May 18, 1995 | 621 | S06E24 | 29.8 | George and Jerry are suspected of deliberately injuring Bette Midler during a softball game, giving Jerry's girlfriend a chance to perform. Kramer becomes Bette's personal assistant. Elaine gets George's father to translate for her when she suspects that her manicurist has made some obvious snide remarks in a foreign tongue. Elaine meets J. Peterman, and gets herself a new job. | |
| 111 | The Engagement | Larry David | September 21, 1995 | 701 | S07E01 | 37.6 | Elaine has a problem sleeping in her new apartment because of a nearby, constantly barking dog. Kramer, Newman and Elaine commit a dognapping scene and take the dog far out of the city. George gets back with Susan Ross, his former girlfriend from NBC and he asks her to marry him. Jerry breaks up with his girlfriend again. | |
| 112 | The Postponement | Larry David | September 28, 1995 | 702 | S07E02 | 34.5 | Elaine's dog problem is solved by a neighborly rabbi with a cable show. Kramer's involvement in the dognapping worries him. George decides he wants to postpone the engagement. Kramer and Jerry try to see "Plan 9 From Outer Space", Kramer sneaks in gourmet coffee, spills it and says he has a legal case. | |
| 113 | The Maestro | Larry David | October 5, 1995 | 703 | S07E03 | 34.6 | George decides that he needs to help a security guard that works at Susan's uncle's store. Elaine begins dating the "Maestro." Kramer gets an out of court settlement in his lawsuit nets him free coffee at any location around the world. Jerry asks Poppy about Tuscany and is referred to Poppy's cousin, who makes him an offer he can't refuse. | |
| 114 | The Wink | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | October 12, 1995 | 704 | S07E04 | 32.3 | Elaine dates the man from her wake-up service. A bit of grapefruit pulp, from Jerry's breakfast, gets into George's eye and causes problems for him when his winks keep getting misinterpreted. Jerry's healthy diet conflicts with his dating of Elaine's cousin. Kramer promises a sick boy that Yankee Paul O'Neill will hit two home runs for him, so he can get back a birthday card that he sold based on George's wink. | |
| 115 | The Hot Tub | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | October 19, 1995 | 705 | S07E05 | 32.6 | George picks up a bad habit from some visiting Astros representatives. During the time of the New York City Marathon, Elaine has an out-of-country runner as her house guest. The runner had overslept and missed the big race at the last Olympics and Jerry obsesses with ensuring that it doesn't happen again. Kramer installs a hot tub in his apartment. | |
| 116 | The Soup Nazi | Spike Feresten | November 2, 1995 | 706 | S07E06 | 33.1 | Elaine finds an antique armoire she wants. George makes a mistake while trying to get his soup from the "Soup Nazi." George and Elaine discuss how annoyed they are by Jerry's sweet-talking with his current girlfriend, especially their calling each other "Schmoopie". Elaine makes an ordering error in front of the "Soup Nazi", and is banned for a year. Susan appreciates that George is finally showing his feelings in public. | |
| 117 | The Secret Code | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | November 9, 1995 | 707 | S07E07 | 33.9 | George refuses to tell his ATM code ("Bosco") to Susan. Elaine dates an amnesiac. Leapin' Larry wants Jerry to do spots for his store, but he is angered when he thinks Jerry is doing an impression of him when his foot falls asleep. Kramer gets an emergency band scanner and decides to help at the FDNY. Elaine doesn't want to go on a date with her boss, J. Peterman, so she leaves Jerry and George at the restaurant. George's code is needed in a life or death situation. | |
| 118 | The Pool Guy | David Mandel | November 16, 1995 | 708 | S07E08 | 33.4 | Elaine befriends Susan. Jerry meets his pool guy outside a movie, and then he can't get rid of him. George is worried by Elaine wanting to get to know Susan. Kramer's new phone number is similar to a film information line. When Kramer keeps getting wrong numbers, he begins giving out the information for movie show times a la "Moviefone". | |
| 119 | The Sponge | Peter Mehlman | December 7, 1995 | 709 | S07E09 | 32.3 | Jerry gets a girl's number on Kramer's AIDS walk list. Elaine must decide whether her current boyfriend is "spongeworthy." George tells Susan the secret of the size of Jerry's jeans. George is "out of the loop." Kramer refuses to "wear an AIDS ribbon." | |
| 120 | The Gum | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | December 14, 1995 | 710 | S07E10 | 31.4 | Kramer is active in the re-opening of an old movie theater. George's friend Lloyd Braun has a pack of Chinese gum that Kramer insists everyone tries. Elaine accidentally "reveals herself" to Lloyd. Jerry must wear glasses while around Lloyd. George's friend Deena thinks he is showing signs of being on the verge of a breakdown. | |
| 121 | The Rye | Carol Leifer | January 4, 1996 | 711 | S07E11 | 35.1 | Elaine dates a jazz saxophonist. Jerry tells one of the band members the saxophonist and Elaine are "hot and heavy." Susan's parents meet and have dinner with the Costanzas for the first time. Both families obsess over a loaf of rye bread that wasn't served with the meal, which Frank takes back home. Kramer takes over a friend's horse-drawn carriage for a week and feeds the horse Beef-a-Reeno. | |
| 122 | The Caddy | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | January 25, 1996 | 712 | S07E12 | 32 | Kramer befriends a caddy, who helps him to improve his golf game and offer him other advice. When George leaves his car at work, Mr. Wilhelm and George Steinbrenner think he has been working overtime. Elaine meets an old high-school friend who is now an heiress to the Oh Henry! candy bar fortune and a "braless wonder" (Brenda Strong). Kramer and Elaine take her rival to court and only Jerry may stand in the way. | |
| 123 | The Seven | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | February 1, 1996 | 713 | S07E13 | 37.1 | Elaine strains her neck trying to get a bike down from the wall. In pain, she promises the bike to whoever fixes her neck. Kramer saves the day and wants the bike. George is angry when Susan's cousin chooses to name her baby with the name he planned to give his first offspring. Kramer works out an arrangement with Jerry to keep track of what he takes from Jerry's kitchen. Jerry girlfriend's always wears the same dress. | |
| 124 | The Cadillac, Part 1 | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 8, 1996 | 714 | S07E14 | 35.9 | Jerry surprises his parents by buying them a new Cadillac which Elaine becomes infatuated with Jerry as a result. The cable company wants to meet with Kramer. George reconsiders his engagement when one of Elaine's friends suggests that he meets with actress, Marisa Tomei. Jack Klompus accuses Morty of embezzling funds to pay for his new Cadillac. | |
| 125 | The Cadillac, Part 2 | Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld | February 8, 1996 | 717 | S07E15 | 35.9 | Kramer continues to mess with the cable guy. George's obsession with Marisa Tomei makes Susan suspicious. George receives Marisa's phone number and must now create an alibi involving her "boyfriend" Art Vandelay. Morty's only testimony is from the woman that Jerry stole the marble rye from to prevent him from impeachment. Susan thinks George is having an affair with Elaine. | |
| 126 | The Shower Head | Peter Mehlman & Marjorie Gross | February 15, 1996 | 715 | S07E16 | 32.3 | Kramer and Jerry are not pleased with the new low flow shower heads that the buildings maintenance people have put in for them. Elaine is surprised to find out that she has tested positive for Opium. Jerry is frustrated by the fact that his parents aren't moving back to Florida and George is elated because his parents are considering moving to Florida. | |
| 127 | The Doll | Tom Gammill & Max Pross | February 22, 1996 | 716 | S07E17 | 32.9 | Susan's old roommate gives Jerry a package that she wants him to be careful with. Frank turns George's room into a billiard room and Kramer challenges him to a game of billiards where the space is a bit tight. Jerry is enthusiastic about a new toothbrush. Susan has a doll that looks like George's mother. Elaine tries to replace an autographed picture of "the other guy", for "the Maestro" that was damaged while they were in Tuscany. | |
| 128 | The Friars Club | David Mandel | March 7, 1996 | 718 | S07E18 | 32.7 | George successfully delays his wedding. Jerry goes out with Susan's best friend. Jerry loses a jacket he "borrowed" for dinner at the Friars Club. Kramer tries to duplicate the sleeping patterns of Da Vinci. Peterman hires a deaf employee (Rob Schneider) and Elaine suffers the consequences, when she gets loaded with most of his work. | |
| 129 | The Wig Master | Spike Feresten | April 4, 1996 | 719 | S07E19 | 30.5 | Jerry uses Elaine to prove that a sales clerk is wrong about his looking at an expensive jacket. Elaine is picked up by the clerk after he leads her on with the promise of a big discount. George has an unwanted house guest. George discovers why a parking lot is so cheap, when he finds a used condom in his car. Kramer unwittingly becomes a "pimp." | |
| 130 | The Calzone | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | April 25, 1996 | 720 | S07E20 | 28.5 | George becomes Steinbrenner's pet, when he shares an eggplant calzone with him. Kramer is raving about wearing clothes "straight out of the dryer." Elaine's boyfriend is dating her without really ever asking her out. Jerry takes advantage of his girlfriend's ability to get anything she wants. Kramer starts using an oven for his clothing. | |
| 131 | The Bottle Deposit, Part 1 | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | May 2, 1996 | 721 | S07E21 | 32.4 | George doesn't hear the details on an important project that Wilhelm wants him to champion. Elaine gets into a bidding war at an auction with Sue Ellen Mischke, the Oh Henry! candy heiress, over a set of golf clubs owned by JFK. Consequently, she spends a bit more than she was authorized by Peterman. Kramer collects used pop bottles and cans so he can take them to Michigan where the refund is doubled. Jerry takes his car to a fanatical car care mechanic (Brad Garrett). Jerry's car is stolen by the mechanic. | |
| 132 | The Bottle Deposit, Part 2 | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | May 2, 1996 | 722 | S07E22 | 32.4 | In part 2, Wilhelm is delighted with the job George did on the project; however, he has no idea what he did or how he did it. Kramer spots Jerry's car in Ohio. George is sent to a mental hospital by Steinbrenner. Newman finds a farmer's house, complete with the proverbial daughter. | |
| 133 | The Wait Out | Story by: Peter Mehlman & Matt Selman Teleplay by: Peter Mehlman |
May 9, 1996 | 723 | S07E23 | 29.9 | George makes an off-hand remark to a married couple with a shaky relationship, leading to their breakup. Elaine starts driving again and almost makes Jerry sick. Kramer starts wearing jeans that are too tight that he cannot get them off. Elaine and Jerry make plans to move in on the separated couple. | |
| 134 | The Invitations | Larry David | May 16, 1996 | 724 | S07E24 | 33.2 | George tries to think of a way out of his relationship with Susan, Elaine suggests smoking and Kramer suggests a pre-nuptial agreement. Jerry nearly gets hit by a car but is saved by his female equivalent, Jeannie. Jerry thinks he is in love with Jeannie and proposes to her. Kramer tries to cash in on a bank's offer of a $100 if one of their tellers doesn't say hello. Susan dies after licking toxic envelopes she was using to make wedding invitations. | |
| 135 | The Foundation | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | September 19, 1996 | 801 | S08E01 | 33.7 | While George would rather forget his fiancee Susan's tragic demise, Susan's parents want to keep her memory alive by creating a foundation. Jerry reunites with Dolores (aka "Mulva") from The Junior Mint. J. Peterman has a nervous breakdown and leaves Elaine in charge, and Kramer becomes a martial arts expert. | |
| 136 | The Soul Mate | Peter Mehlman | September 26, 1996 | 802 | S08E02 | 33.2 | Kramer falls for Jerry's girlfriend and goes to Newman for advice. Elaine tells her friends she does not want a baby after her woman friends convince her to. George thinks the foundation lawyer assumes that he killed Susan. | |
| 137 | The Bizarro Jerry | David Mandel | October 3, 1996 | 803 | S08E03 | 31.6 | Elaine has new friends who are opposites of Jerry, George and Kramer. Jerry dates a woman who has "man hands." George uses a picture of Jerry's date to meet attractive women. Kramer uses a bathroom in an office building and begins working there. | |
| 138 | The Little Kicks | Spike Feresten | October 10, 1996 | 804 | S08E04 | 32.2 | Elaine holds a party for her co-workers where she loses respect when they see her dance. Jerry and Kramer go to the movies with a friend who makes bootleg tapes. | |
| 139 | The Package | Jennifer Crittenden | October 17, 1996 | 805 | S08E05 | 30.1 | George finds out that the woman at a photo store is looking at his pictures. He tries to impress her by getting Kramer to take seductive pictures of him. Jerry refuses delivery of a package with no return address. Elaine tries to retrieve her medical records when she begins having problems with her doctor due to her attitude. | |
| 140 | The Fatigues | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | October 31, 1996 | 806 | S08E06 | 30.3 | Jerry is interested when he learns that his girlfriend has a mentor. George prepares to give a speech on risk management. Elaine prepares to fire a co-worker but instead promotes him when she approaches him. | |
| 141 | The Checks | Steve O'Donnell and Tom Gammill & Max Pross | November 7, 1996 | 807 | S08E07 | 32 | Elaine learns her new boyfriend has some obsessive behaviors. Jerry keeps receiving checks from a guest appearance on Japanese television. Kramer warns George that his carpet cleaners are part of a religious cult. | |
| 142 | The Chicken Roaster | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | November 14, 1996 | 808 | S08E08 | 34.1 | A Kenny Rogers Chicken restaurant opens across from Jerry's apartment with very bright neon lights. Kramer cannot sleep because of the light and seeks solace at Jerry's where he becomes addicted to the chicken by Newman. Elaine begins using the J. Peterman expense account. George tries to score a second date with a saleswoman by leaving a large hat at her house. | |
| 143 | The Abstinence | Steve Koren | November 21, 1996 | 809 | S08E09 | 34.4 | George's girlfriend has infectious mononucleosis, so they will not be able to have sex for at least 6 weeks. Jerry agrees to make an appearance at his former junior high's career day. Elaine meets a doctor who does not have a license yet. Kramer smokes in the coffee shop and is asked to leave. | |
| 144 | The Andrea Doria | Spike Feresten | December 19, 1996 | 810 | S08E10 | Jerry takes Kramer to his self storage space where they learn Newman has been hoarding mail. George becomes excited about a new apartment he is about to move into. Elaine is set up on a blind date who has a hard time breaking up with people. | ||
| 145 | The Little Jerry | Jennifer Crittenden | January 9, 1997 | 811 | S08E11 | 34.5 | Kramer gets a pet rooster he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld". George visits a woman's prison where he does not see what he had expected. Elaine discovers her boyfriend once had a full head of hair and convinces him to grow it back. A store owner exposes Jerry's bad check currently on display which raises much discussion. | |
| 146 | The Money | Peter Mehlman | January 16, 1997 | 813 | S08E12 | 37.3 | Jerry's parents sell their Cadillac to a neighbor in order to give Jerry some money. Jerry quickly buys back the car but remains stuck in Florida when he does not have money to return home. George's parents announce they are moving to Florida which the Seinfelds object to. Elaine returns to her old position at work. | |
| 147 | The Comeback | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | January 30, 1997 | 812 | S08E13 | 33.5 | George has trouble thinking of a retort to one of his co-workers. Jerry buys a tennis racket believed to be used by a pro. Elaine and Kramer discuss employee picks at the video store. Kramer creates a living will. | |
| 148 | The Van Buren Boys | Darin Henry | February 6, 1997 | 814 | S08E14 | 33.8 | Everyone seems to have a problem with Jerry's new girlfriend whom he sees as "perfect". George interviews students for the foundation's first academic scholarship. Elaine is asked to ghostwrite the autobiography of J. Peterman. Kramer has a run-in with infamous "Van Buren boys". | |
| 149 | The Susie | David Mandel | February 13, 1997 | 815 | S08E15 | 32 | Elaine creates an alter ego named "Susie" who co-workers believe is actually real. Jerry's friend who once considered him a "phony" becomes a bookie. George avoids his girlfriend by screening his phone calls. | |
| 150 | The Pothole | Steve O'Donnell and Dan O'Keefe | February 20, 1997 | 816 | S08E16 | 33.8 | Kramer adopts a piece of a highway after he complains about a very large pothole. Jerry's girlfriend (Kristin Davis) uses a toothbrush that was once dropped in the toilet. George brags about a new key ring given to him by George Steinbrenner. | |
| 151 | The English Patient | Steve Koren | March 13, 1997 | 817 | S08E17 | 31.3 | Elaine hates a movie that everyone else seems to love. Jerry is challenged by one of his father's neighbors to a series of physical challenges leading the old man to the hospital. A woman mistakes George for her boyfriend. | |
| 152 | The Nap | Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin | April 10, 1997 | 818 | S08E18 | George creates a desk he can sleep in at work after having trouble sleeping. Jerry has his kitchen remodeled. Elaine's boyfriend worries about her back and buys her a mattress. Kramer begins swimming in the East River after becoming restricted at a community pool. | ||
| 153 | The Yada Yada | Peter Mehlman and Jill Franklyn | April 24, 1997 | 819 | S08E19 | 31.6 | George's girlfriend uses a particular phrase constantly. Jerry isn't big on his dentist's joke on being Jewish. | |
| 154 | The Millennium | Jennifer Crittenden | May 1, 1997 | 820 | S08E20 | 29.3 | Kramer makes plans for New Year's 2000 and wonders what the future may be like. Elaine gets bad service at a store and begins shopping at a similar store. Jerry learns he is on his girlfriend's speed dial. | |
| 155 | The Muffin Tops | Spike Feresten | May 8, 1997 | 821 | S08E21 | 31.1 | Elaine tells Kramer that stories he sold to Peterman were published in his autobiography. Elaine's old boss, Mr. Lippman, steals her idea for a muffin shop. Kramer then decides to create a "Peterman Reality Tour." Jerry starts shaving his chest hair for his new girlfriend. George pretends to be a tourist in order to go out with a woman. | |
| 156 | The Summer of George | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | May 15, 1997 | 822 | S08E22 | 29.8 | George decides to take the summer off when he learns he can receive severance pay. Jerry and Kramer attend the Tony awards where Jerry brings a date who he fears has a boyfriend at home. Kramer fills seats at the awards and pretends to accept an award with a cast ensemble. | |
| 157 | The Butter Shave | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel | September 25, 1997 | 901 | S09E01 | 37.8 | Kramer starts using butter as shaving cream. George uses a cane when he applies for an interview at a sporting goods firm, where everyone thinks he is disabled. Jerry is annoyed that Kenny Bania is a "time slot hit." Elaine goes to Europe with David Puddy. | |
| 158 | The Voice | Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel | October 2, 1997 | 902 | S09E02 | 30.9 | George's employer learns that George is not actually handicapped. Jerry creates a voice in response to the sounds his girlfriend's stomach makes. Kramer hires a New York University intern to be his assistant. Elaine begins seeing Puddy again. | |
| 159 | The Serenity Now | Steve Koren | October 9, 1997 | 903 | S09E03 | 30.2 | George's father is given a phrase to say whenever his blood pressure rises to a certain level. Elaine receives a french kiss from Mr. Lippman's 13 year old son. Jerry's girlfriend gives his New York Knicks tickets away. Kramer installs a screen door over his apartment door. | |
| 160 | The Blood | Dan O'Keefe | October 16, 1997 | 904 | S09E04 | 31.5 | Jerry receives three pints of Kramer's blood after having a run-in with a knife. Elaine wants to prove to her friend that she is not irresponsible. George concludes that television and food create a better sex life. | |
| 161 | The Junk Mail | Spike Feresten | October 30, 1997 | 905 | S09E05 | 30.2 | Kramer refuses to receive mail from the postal service. Jerry gets a new car from a childhood friend after doing a car show for his dealership. Elaine thinks she has met her dream man, despite getting back with Puddy, and tries to juggle both relationships. George's parents cut him loose. | |
| 162 | The Merv Griffin Show | Bruce Eric Kaplan | November 6, 1997 | 906 | S09E06 | 31.6 | Kramer discovers an old television set from The Merv Griffin Show. Jerry's new girlfriend collects old toys but asks Jerry not to play with them. Elaine must deal with a "sidler" at work. George's girlfriend becomes disgusted when he accidentally runs over pigeons with his car. | |
| 163 | The Slicer | Story by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin & Darin Henry Teleplay by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin |
November 13, 1997 | 907 | S09E07 | 32.8 | Jerry tries to break up with a dermatologist (Marcia Cross) when she becomes tiresome after constantly talking about "saving lives". Kramer purchases a meat slicer which Elaine accidentally dings. George tries to have himself airbrushed out of a photo his new boss has. | |
| 164 | The Betrayal | David Mandel & Peter Mehlman | November 20, 1997 | 908 | S09E08 | 34 | Elaine drags Jerry and George to India where they attend the wedding of Sue Ellen Mischke. Kramer learns that a friend wishes he would drop dead. (All of the events in the episode occur backwards with the end at the beginning and vice versa.) | |
| 165 | The Apology | Jennifer Crittenden | December 11, 1997 | 909 | S09E09 | 30.5 | Jerry's girlfriend Melissa prefers to be naked while in the house. Elaine learns her co-worker hates germs coming from Elaine but can tolerate everyone else's. Kramer decides to make changes to his routine. George expects an apology from a friend who is in Alcoholics Anonymous. | |
| 166 | The Strike | Dan O'Keefe and Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer | December 18, 1997 | 910 | S09E10 | 30.8 | Kramer gets word that he can return to a bagel shop he worked at previously after a 12 year absence. Jerry, Elaine and George attend a Chanukah party where Jerry sets up a date with a "two faced" woman and Elaine uses her "fake" number to avoid one. Kramer brings a renewed interest in Festivus, a holiday George's father invented when George was younger. | |
| 167 | The Dealership | Steve Koren | January 8, 1998 | 911 | S09E11 | 32.9 | Jerry plans on buying a new car from Puddy who has been elevated to car salesman. He also hopes that Puddy and Elaine will get back together so he will get a better discount. Kramer and another salesman see how far they can test drive a car on an empty gas tank. A hungry George comes up with an idea to implicate a mechanic. | |
| 168 | The Reverse Peephole | Spike Feresten | January 15, 1998 | 912 | S09E12 | 33.5 | Kramer and Newman plan to reverse the peepholes on their doors which gets Newman an eviction notice. Jerry decides to go wallet-less. Elaine has trouble finding a coat that looks like Puddy's for another friend. George must pay for a party gift alone. | |
| 169 | The Cartoon | Bruce Eric Kaplan | January 29, 1998 | 913 | S09E13 | 33.2 | Elaine obsesses over a cartoon in The New Yorker. Kramer decides to take a vow of silence. Elaine and Kramer believe that George's girlfriend looks a lot like Jerry. Jerry is at odds with Sally Weaver, Susan's former roommate. | |
| 170 | The Strong Box | Story by: Dan O'Keefe & Billy Kimball Teleplay by: Dan O'Keefe |
February 5, 1998 | 914 | S09E14 | 31.6 | Jerry buys cufflinks that once belonged to Jerry Lewis. Kramer gets a strongbox. Elaine has a secret crush. George tries to break up with his girlfriend but she refuses. | |
| 171 | The Wizard | Steve Lookner | February 26, 1998 | 915 | S09E15 | 30.5 | Jerry gives his father an electronic organizer for his birthday. Jerry and George debate about the race of Elaine's new boyfriend which triggers her curiosity. Kramer plans on running for president of Morty and Helen's condo association. George lies to the Rosses about owning a house in the Hamptons. | |
| 172 | The Burning | Jennifer Crittenden | March 19, 1998 | 916 | S09E16 | 30.9 | Elaine learns that Puddy is religious. Jerry does not recognize his girlfriend's voice on the phone when she leaves an "It's me" message. Kramer and Mickey act out sick conditions for medical students. George's ideas at a Kruger meeting are widely accepted, but his subsequent ideas are not as well received. | |
| 173 | The Bookstore | Story by: Spike Feresten and Darin Henry & Marc Jaffe Teleplay by: Spike Feresten |
April 9, 1998 | 917 | S09E17 | 29.6 | Jerry spots Uncle Leo shoplifting. Elaine makes out with a co-worker at a party and lies to cover it up. Kramer and Newman acquire a rickshaw from Hong Kong and need someone to pull it. George takes a book into the bathroom at a bookstore and is forced to purchase it. | |
| 174 | The Frogger | Story by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin and Steve Koren & Dan O'Keefe Teleplay by: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin |
April 23, 1998 | 918 | S09E18 | 30.7 | After a childhood pizzeria goes out of business, George tries to save his high score from a Frogger game by purchasing the machine. Kramer scares Jerry after telling him about a serial killer, "The Lopper." Elaine tires of company birthdays and tries to avoid them by calling in sick. | |
| 175 | The Maid | Story by: Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer and Kit Boss & Peter Mehlman Teleplay by: Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer |
April 30, 1998 | 919 | S09E19 | 33.3 | Jerry hires a maid whom he then starts sleeping with. Elaine discovers she has 57 messages on her answering machine when Kramer's food-order service tries to fax her. George tries to get a nickname but a co-worker gets the one he chose instead. | |
| 176 | The Puerto Rican Day | Alec Berg, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Gregg Kavet, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Andy Robin, Jeff Schaffer |
May 7, 1998 | 920 | S09E20 | 38.8 | The gang leaves a New York Mets game early in order to beat the traffic but is blocked by a Puerto Rican day parade. Each goes his/her separate ways in order to get home. | |
| 177 | The Chronicle, Part 1 | Darin Henry | May 14, 1998 | 921 | S09E21 | 58.5 | A retrospective on the past 9 years of Seinfeld leading into the series finale. | |
| 178 | The Chronicle, Part 2 | Darin Henry | May 14, 1998 | 922 | S09E22 | 58.5 | The nine year retrospective continues. | |
| 179 | The Finale, Part 1 | Larry David | May 14, 1998 | 923 | S09E23 | 76.3 | NBC executives decide to add Jerry and George's pilot, Jerry to the fall season. The two plan on leaving for Los Angeles and decide to vacation in Paris with Elaine and Kramer before they leave. The plans are canceled, however, when their plane experiences turbulence and is forced to land for repairs. They are arrested for breaking a law in Latham County, Massachusetts. | |
| 180 | The Finale, Part 2 | Larry David | May 14, 1998 | 924 | S09E24 | 76.3 | In addition to being convicted of disobeying the Good Samaritan law, Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are also on trial for being poor influences. After hearing several testimonies from many returning characters, Judge Vandelay sentences the four of them to a year in prison. |