Wikipedia:Peer review/Oshima Brothers/archive1

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Oshima Brothers[edit]

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I've written a few articles from scratch like this and I've seen a bunch through WP:GAN and WP:FAC, but I have so little experience with articles on music groups and living people that I'd like to have another person with more experience in that realm of Wikipedia look at this article. Does it cover all the areas that are expected of good articles on music groups? Do the sources look reliable? I will very much appreciate the feedback.

Thanks, Dugan Murphy (talk) 00:32, 5 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]

NØ[edit]

The articles looks like it is in pretty good shape. It may benefit from an infobox picture where the lead singer isn't so blurred.

  • None of the sources used look immediately unreliable to me.
  • Is it necessary to mention both "singing and playing" in the second sentence? The meanings seem interchangeable to me.
  • "they formed a fan base" -- would "attracted a fan base" be better?
  • You could introduce their debut as "their 2016 eponymous debut album" instead of repeating their name.
  • "to create a complex soundscape as if there were more than two members" --> "to create a complex soundscape as if they were more than two"
  • Numbers 10 or larger should be written as numerals and not spelled out.
    • I'm following MOS:NUMERAL, which says "Integers greater than nine expressible in one or two words may be expressed either in numerals or in words". Dugan Murphy (talk) 21:38, 15 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • Are 1,000 Spotify monthly listeners really remarkable enoug for inclusion?
    • I decided to include that number as a contrast to the 100,000 figure from 2020. I realize now that this is not obvious, so I moved that figure down one paragraph to make the contrast more obvious. Dugan Murphy (talk) 21:38, 15 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Oshima Brothers' music is often described as a mix of pop and folk. Their genre has been described as 'folk-pop'" - Maybe these could be incorporated into one big sentence? Because this does look a bit repetitive.
The article may benefit from a WP:GOCE copy-edit. It looks interesting and well-researched, and a copy-edit may take care of some of the convoluted wording. Good luck!--NØ 11:59, 13 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Thank you very much for the review and for the recommendation. I believe I have addressed everything you brought up. Let me know if you notice anything else. Dugan Murphy (talk) 21:38, 15 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
The article looks to be in great shape now! I'm not highly familiar with the band so I can't comment on completeness (you're a better judge of that) but it reads very well. By the way, if you're up to it, I would really appreciate any input on an FAC nomination I have up.--NØ 01:29, 16 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Wonderful. I'll take a look at the FAC soon. Dugan Murphy (talk) 01:46, 16 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Kavyansh[edit]

Non-expert review, so the comments are mostly general. Feel free to skitp those which you do not find useful.

  • "who started making music together as young children." — well, children are young. (later repeated in the prose as well) And shouldn't 'making music' be 'compose', or am I still in the eighteenth century?
    • Good point. As young children, they weren't composers, but they sang together and learned some instruments really early. I reworded to reflect that. I kept "young children" though. Dugan Murphy (talk) 17:20, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "with their 2019 EP Under the Same Stars and subsequent" — what is EP? Extended play? If so, I think it should be spelled at the first instance.
  • "had more than 115,000 Spotify" — Optional: 'had over 115,000 Spotify'

I feel that the prose could be a bit more tight at few places.

  • "every one of their songs" could be "each of their songs"
  • "produce entirely on their own" — how is it different from "produce on their own"? Should we emphasis on entirely?
  • "with them when they were children" could be "with them during their childhood"
  • "According to Sean: "As kids we were surrounded by music"." — do we need to quote this? I think this can be paraphrased in Wikipedia's voice. And what value does it add to reader given that the previous sentence already focuses on "music and their childhood"
    • Looking at it now, that quote doesn't seem necessary anymore. I deleted it. Dugan Murphy (talk) 17:20, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "since the start of the pandemic in Cooperstown, New York in May" — missing MOS:GEOCOMMA
    • Thank you! This is certainly not the first time a reviewer has pointed out the need for a geocomma in something I've written. But rather than add it, I decided instead to remove the reference to Cooperstown. Seems like too much detail to me now. Dugan Murphy (talk) 17:20, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Washington, DC" in the citations should be "Washington, D.C."

– Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 19:18, 21 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@Kavyansh.Singh: Thank you very much for reading through this article and typing out a few comments. This is very helpful. Dugan Murphy (talk) 17:20, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Nice work! Will maybe read again tomorrow and let you know if anything else is required. – Kavyansh.Singh (talk) 17:24, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Please do! Dugan Murphy (talk) 20:59, 24 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]
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