Talk:Ahmad Maymandi/GA2

GA Review[edit]

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Reviewer: Calvin999 (talk · contribs) 16:54, 9 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Hi. I am Calvin999 and I am reviewing this nomination.

There's a link that perhaps needs disambiguating?

Lead

What is a vizier?
Just refer to Maymandi using his surname after he is mentioned the first time. Apply this to the lead, and then the main body of prose.
Perhaps link foster brother?
Link Ghaznavid?
first start → If you start something, it means the first time, so I don't think 'first' needs to be included.
Link Khorasan?
The son of the governor of Bust, Ahmad Maymandi was raised as the foster brother of the Ghaznavid prince Mahmud, and would first start his administrative career as the head of the department of correspondence of Khorasan, and would thereafter rapidly rise to higher officers, finally becoming the vizier of the Ghaznavid Empire in 1013, which would last until 1024, when he was arrested due to the great amount of wealth that he had gained, which the suspicious Mahmud disliked. → This is an exceedingly long sentence!
Link Ghaznavid Empire?
which he at first rejected, but later in 1031 accepted. → which he rejected but alter accepted in 1031.
You've started two successive sentences with 'However' here, bit repetitive.

Origins and early career

Use his full name the first time you write it, then surname thereafter.

First vizierate and downfall

Again, use his surname
Ahmad was appointed governor of Khorasan, and tax-collector of the region. → I don't think a comma is necessary here.
and probably also → Remove 'also'
Repetition of 'According to'
not feel his empire threatened → not feel that his empire was threatened?

Sources

Words shouldn't be capitalised, it falls under WP:SHOUT

Outcome

On hold for 7 days. — Calvin999 18:24, 18 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review.

I don't think it's necessary to explain what a vizier is, since no other articles does that. People could always clink on the vizier link to know more about it, that's what we have links for. --HistoryofIran (talk) 21:33, 20 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]
- I thought maybe just in brackets in English, because I still don't know what it means. Have you addressed any comments? — Calvin999 21:36, 20 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

(Interjection) If "Ahmad Maymandi" is a foreign term, rather than a name (as it is over here), definitely an English translation of the term in the article is necessary, as per Wikipedia:Naming conventions (use English). I think for the vizier issue, so long as the page is linked to the relevant article, and that in the "Vizier" page itself, an explanation of what it means it would be sufficient. (I have checked the article that, [A vizier (/vɪˈzɪər/, rarely /ˈvɪzjər/;[1] وزير‎ in Arabic script (Arabic (Arabic pronunciation Wazeer), Persian: vazīr‎, Turkish: vezir, Urdu); Hindi: वज़ीर; sometimes spelled vazir, vizir, vasir, wazir, vesir, or vezir) is a high-ranking political advisor or minister. ]) If for every article a long English explanation is included, it would make the lead unnecessarily long...I'll won't comment on the others... Mr Tan (talk) 09:17, 25 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

7 days grace period has passed. Fail incurred to due inactivity on the review and no improvements to the article. Nominator has also been fairly inactive, with six logged edits since the review was placed on hold. I have no doubt that should you apply my suggestions above, it will be third time lucky. — Calvin999 09:38, 25 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]