Talk:Brandon Roy/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Lead

Remove his place of birth from the brackets per WP:DATE. You shouldn't mix up dates with place. Done
"He wears number 7." This doesn't seem important for the lead. Also, it isn't mentioned in the main body of the article. Done
"Roy's nickname is "B Roy"." Ditto. Also shouldn't be in bold. Done
"He made an immediate impact on the Trail Blazers, helping to lead the young team out of mediocrity." Seems POV. Who says they were "mediocre"? Also again it doesn't appear to be in the main body of the article. Done
"young team." Repeated. Done
"In the first half of 2007–08, Roy led the team to exceed all expectations." POV and again not in the main body. Done
"where he led the Western Conference in minutes," What does this mean? Does this mean he played the longest in the game? If so, there is a much better way of saying it. Done

Early years

"He first started taking basketball seriously while playing AAU basketball for Seattle's Team Yes." I know AAU is wikilinked. But I would expand on first use to explain to the casual reader, and prevent some people clicking away and not reading any more of your work. Done
"Roy was widely considered the state's best high school player." POV; needs referencing. Done
"He was an early-entry candidate for the 2002 NBA Draft straight out of high school, but withdrew his name before the draft." Why did he remove his name from the draft. It seems worthy of more details. Done

College career

"He faced challenges getting to college." Change getting. It's a poor verb and has too many meanings. On first read, I thought this meant, he couldn't drive, and couldn't catch the bus, etc. Reading further I guess it doesn't mean that. Done
"due to a learning disability Roy had difficulty with the SAT test." Spell out SAT in full as per AAU above. Done
"Unsure whether he would be able to attend a four-year college," Should this be "four-year college" or "four-year college course"? Done
"After his junior year, Roy considered entering the draft, but changed his mind when he learned that teammate Nate Robinson and high school senior and UW signee Martell Webster (with whom he would reunite in the NBA) intended to enter the draft." Don't need the brackets; use commas instead. Also considering either breaking up the sentence or shortening the descriptions because it's too complicated at the moment. Done
"but his draft rights were then traded to the Portland Trail Blazers in exchange for the draft rights to seventh overall pick Randy Foye." Then is redundant. It is already apparent by the tense of the verbs. Done
Could do with some years in this section to explain the chronology better. Done

Professional career

"Roy's NBA debut was in Seattle, his hometown." You've already said Seattle is his hometown. I presume the game was against Seattle Supersonics? If so, I would suggest rewording to something along the lines of "Roy's NBA debut was in his hometown against SS." Done
Consider merging all three paragraphs. Indeed I would remove all the sub-sections and have one paragraph per season. The sub-sections really aren't necessary for individual seasons, unless absolutely vital for long bios. Done
"teammate LaMarcus Aldridge was on the sophomore squad as well." Best to use "also" rather than "as well" Done
"He also tied Chris Paul and Amare Stoudemire for the most points with 18." Are wikilinks available for the other players. Done
"In the preseason" I don't think you need "the". Also use a comma after preseason for an introductory phrase. Done
"On November 6" Also needs a comma for an introductory phrase. Done

Personal life

"About two months later, Roy had taken Bardwell out to look at rings (just to get the idea of what she'd like)." Change the tense of the first part. And either remove the phrase in the brackets, or quote it. Done
"A short while later, he sent Bardwell a text instructing her to look into the drawer of his closet, saying she can have what she finds. Bardwell, confused, finds a ring she mentioned she liked. Roy then enters the room with their son, Brandon Jr. (who they nickname "BJ") and asked "BJ wants to know if you will marry his daddy?" Bardwell immediately accepted." Again the tenses are really confused. Done
"Roy would later say the entire proposal was "free-styled"." Change to past tense Done
"They have a planned marriage on in August 2009." Only needs one preposition. Done

Awards

No need for bolding. Done

Stats

~~No need to sort year column.~~
~~No need to sort team column. At least for now.~~

General

Numbers and units should be split by non-breaking spaces. E.g. 57 games.
Don't need the sports box for 2006 and 2008 Rookies of the year. You have a navbox below which does the exact same job.
I'm not sure of the fair use rationale for the image.

A lot to do. I was nearly going to fail this article. There are problems with POV, and quite large parts of prose issues. However, the good bits, and there are some very good bits, make me think, the problems can be eradicated by putting it on hold. Peanut4 (talk) 00:00, 12 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The third point you left in Lead confuses me slightly - I have unbolded "B Roy". Are you saying I have to change it to "His nickname is 'B Roy'"? The fourth point in College career, I've removed the entire bracket (deeming it out of place). I've done the merging for Professional career, it's just it looks very clunky right now; what do you think? In reply to Stats, that's a part of the template - should I create a Wiki table? A _talk 01:46, 12 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comment to GA reviewer As far as I know, the stat table is shown using a pair of standardized templates. So I am not sure if User:A can fix this issue without changing the templates, which would affect articles of other nba players. (I am a regular contributor to NBA-related articles.) —Chris! _ct 07:08, 12 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

No worries. I've struck the comments out. It's possibly something the NBA project ought to discuss then maybe. On a general issue, the years don't need sorting in my opinion; though if it's a projectwide template, the teams are fine being sorted for those who return to clubs. Peanut4 (talk) 20:10, 12 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Second review

Lead

"Roy made an immediate impact on the Trail Blazers, helping to lead the young team with efficiency." This is POV. Who says he led the team with efficiency? It's not mentioned in the main body of the article, and it needs a reference. Done
"Roy was described as lifting the Trail Blazers to win." Win what? One game? The whole NBA? Done Removed sentence entirely; the season just started - I don't know how that sentence got there.
The infobox image does not meet the fair-use criteria. Done

College career

Expand SAT and NCAA Done
- Just need to do this and we should be there. Peanut4 (talk) 22:08, 16 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  - I mean expand what SAT and NCAA stand for. I would do it myself but I don't know what SAT means. I know the wikilinks are there, but forcing editors to click on a link will increase the likelihood they won't read on your own work. Peanut4 (talk) 22:55, 16 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]
"He was selected sixth overall in the 2006 NBA Draft by the Minnesota Timberwolves, he was later traded to the Portland Trail Blazers." Two main verbs. Either split the sentences, use a semi-colon or change the wording. There was also no need to remove the info about Randy Foye. Done

Pro career

"Roy's uniform number is 7." Why mention it where you do? It looks lost and completely random where it is. Done

References

The titles of the articles should not be in all caps per WP:ALLCAPS. Peanut4 (talk) 23:16, 15 November 2008 (UTC) Done[reply]

I apologize for delay - haywire schedule. Thanks for the second review; your amazing. a _talk 22:34, 16 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed acronyms! a _talk 23:06, 16 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for criteria)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Meets all the criteria. Good work and great improvement from the version prior to the GA process. Well done. I think it's too early in his career and too short to push towards FAC. But I'd suggest trying to get another editor to brush up on the prose. Otherwise, good luck with the future of the article. Also, if you do get another image, there's no need not to use the one here, just try use more than one. Peanut4 (talk) 23:54, 16 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Hey, thanks! A lot! a _talk 00:09, 17 November 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.