Wikipedia:Peer review/D. Djajakusuma/archive1

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D. Djajakusuma[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to bring it to FAC and would like some feedback regarding prose and accessibility to those not well-versed in Indonesian history.

Thanks,  — Crisco 1492 (talk) 16:08, 15 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Wehwalt
Lede
  • "Upon invitation from Usmar Ismail," Perhaps, "After being invited by Usmar Ismail".
  • " before leaving it after completing the comedy Masa Topan dan Badai in 1964." The before/after is unpleasing. Is the name of the film really relevant for lede purposes?
Early life
  • " As such, in early 1943" perhaps "Accordingly, in early 1943"
  • I suggest the various translations of Cultural Centre be consigned to a footnote. That sentence could usefully be split
  • "To promote a sense of …" this sentence might also usefully be divided.
INR
  • "Anwar later wrote that he had also gone to Banten to ask a kyai to make him impervious to bullets." This sentence is ambiguous, centering around the "also" Either someone else went to Benten or Anwar went somewhere else, I imagine. And who's him?
  • "when the Dutch colonial government held control of Jakarta" perhaps "with the Dutch colonial government in control of Jakarta"
Entry etc.
  • " General Assault of 1 March 1949" link?
  • Nothing blue yet, sadly. Redlinked (I have several books here to write an article with).
  • "owing to the smile of a waitress" Hm, I don't know. Maybe "transfixed by the smile of a waitress" or similar.
  • "while at UCLA " Did he transfer from USC? Please also check the use of "UCLA" a little later on. Perhaps also one of the "lessons" (used twice in sentence) could be changed?
  • My apologies, I seem to have misread the source. Fixed. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 03:55, 17 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Last years w/
  • " the director had abandoned too many traditional aspects of the puppetry." perhaps "ignored" for "abandoned"?
  • Fair enough
  • "their two teenaged daughters who are in the throes of puberty" perhaps "adolescence" for "puberty"?
  • Alright
Style
  • "This regional-focused adaptation" Huh?
  • "Indonesians should focus on local arts and not continue to depend on Western theories." Is "theories" really the word you want? It seems oddly contrasted with "arts".
Legacy
  • I'm not sure what you're describing there is "legacy".

Anyhoo, good job.--Wehwalt (talk) 21:33, 16 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Sarastro[edit]

Lead:

  • "During the Japanese occupation from 1943 to 1945 he was a translator and thespian, and during the four-year national revolution he worked for the military's educational division, several news agencies, and in drama.": Is there a way to avoid “during…during"?
  • "In 1951, Djajakusuma joined the National Film Corporation (Perfini) after he was invited by Usmar Ismail.": What about “In 1951, Djajakusuma joined the National Film Corporation (Perfini) at the invitation of Usmar Ismail."
  • That's what I was aiming for with the "upon" sentence which Wehwalt mentioned. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Djajakusuma released a further eleven films with the company before leaving it in 1964.": I think we could lose the “it"
  • "much of his energies": Should this be “most of his energies"?

Early life:

  • Nobleman is a bit vague, and for those too lazy to follow the link, may be misleading. Could a word of clarification be added, or even a note? People generally known as nobles do not usually have to work!
  • In a British context, definitely. In a contemporary Javanese context, they were the only ones qualified for certain jobs (such as bupati). In the early 20th century they were also the only ones who qualified for government schooling, so many of the people who held jobs which required an education were (minor) nobles. Journalists such as [[Tirto Adhi Soerjo], political leaders such as Sukarno, lawyers such as Soepomo... anyways, changed to have "priyayi" show directly. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Djajakusuma was the fifth child of six born to the couple, which lived comfortably off Djojokoesomo's salary as government official.": Should this be “who lived comfortably"?
  • "With his friends, he would act out the bedtime stories his mother told him with his friends.": Repetition of “with his friends"

Indonesian national revolution:

  • "The group would travel throughout the city" and “after the arrival of the Netherlands Indies Civil Administration, they would sometimes attempt to spy" and “Djajakusuma would listen to international news broadcasts": Do we need “would"?
  • "these were printed in underground newspapers": Perhaps too idiomatic? Unless it was for The Wombles? (And I’m sure you don’t get that reference, but someone might…)

Entry to film:

  • "Djajakusuma helped Ismail adapt the event for the screen": “helped Ismail to adapt" would sound more natural to my ear.
  • "had to be powered by a car battery owing to the inability to buy the necessary equipment": Should this be “their inability"?
  • "the film featured some of the first nudity in a local production": Does this mean an Indonesian production, or something more specific?

Last years:

  • "This film was reportedly held by the censorship bureau for almost a year.": I’m not a fan of “reportedly"; who reported? How reliable is the story?
  • Removed, as we don't use "reportedly" in the article on the film. The source is Said, who lived through the period and had access to contemporary newspapers; reliable enough, though (as with all contemporary Indonesian sources) quick to cast aspersions on the communists. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Later career:

  • "He is particularly recognised for his revitalising lenong.": By who?

Final years:

  • "In 1980 he made his last film appearance, acting in Ismail Soebardjo's Perempuan dalam Pasungan (Girl in Stocks)": Was this not his only acting appearance? If so, could we specify why the change? (Unless I’ve missed something?)
  • I'll see if I have any explanation in my sources. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "His adoptive family later recalled that he showed no outward signs of ill health.": Can we explain why he had an adoptive family, and who they were? We seem to have this explanation in the next paragraph.
  • Removed altogether, because it would end up awkward if explained here. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Reception:

  • We use “garnered" twice; I think once is more than enough!
  • This section gets a little listy in places.
  • Sadly the sources I have don't go into that much detail. No sound bites, no controversy over the awards. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:24, 20 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Another good piece of work, and I had no problems in following this at all. Let me know when it gets to FAC. Sarastro1 (talk) 20:23, 19 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from SchroCat[edit]

Apologies for the tardy comments here - distractions on and off Wiki have tied me up recently. I'm taking advantage of the in-flight WiFi on the way to Oslo, which is the first proper,chance I've had to go over this. I've made a few CEs here and there. They are mostly grammatical, rather than stylistic, but feel free to revert anything you don't agree with. More specifically, a few suggestions below to consider: adopt or reject as the mood takes you:

Lead

  • "dedicated but easily angered Djajakusuma": should that be a hyphenated "easily-angered"? I'm not entirely sure, so I'll send up the bat signal for @Tim riley: to comment.
  • I believe the hyphen is necessary for adjectival phrases, but not those with adverbs. Of course, if Tim differs we can hyphenate here.
  • I am no authority on punctuation in general or hyphens in particular, but I'd say as used here you don't want the hyphen. But you'd much better seek the advice one of WP's real experts, such as User:Chris the speller, who has got me out of many a hole of my own digging. I'll look in properly at this PR if it's still open when I've done the two I'm already signed up for. Tim riley (talk) 09:17, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • We don't use a hyphen in cases like this. WP:HYPHEN sub-subsection 3, bullet point 4 says "A hyphen is not used after a standard -ly adverb (a newly available home, a wholly owned subsidiary) unless part of a larger compound (a slowly-but-surely strategy)." Chris the speller yack 16:32, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • As Ko-Ko says in The Mikado, "very glad to have my opinion backed by a competent authority". Thank you, Chris! Tim riley (talk) 19:53, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

  • "at times he would sneak out of his home after curfew": two things here. Firstly, is "sneak out" encyclopaedic? Secondly, "curfew" suggests a civil or military legal imposition: was this the case?
  • No, just your standard "Dad says we shouldn't be out after x o'clock". Copyedited. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 08:20, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Done to the start of "Later career": more to follow soon on this very interesting piece. Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 06:38, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

  • Thanks for taking up this PR (and have a safe trip)! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 08:20, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Second and final batch

Again, a few further suggestions for you to pick up or ignore as you see fit:

Later career

  • "The second film, meanwhile, was an adaptation": I'm not sure the "meanwhile" is needed here?
  • "His last role behind the screen": There's probably a better way of saying "behind the screen", but my brain is on a go-slow this afternoon

Notes

  • b. "propagandising": fine in AmEng, painful in BrEng. The Americans are happy to turn nouns into verbs, but it is still not ideal in BrEng. Perhaps "with the ultimate goal of (providing or building) propaganda for the Japanese political position"?

All good, and look forward to seeing this at FAC! - SchroCat (talk) 14:45, 22 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Tim riley

Having done all I signed up to do chez Babe Ruth and Robert Stephenson I am now free to join this peer review. Comments will follow soonest - by bedtime tonight, I hope. Tim riley (talk) 12:44, 27 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Very few comments. I did just wonder what variety of English you intend: the consistent "–ise" endings and "theatre" suggest BrEng, but the "natural sciences program" is AmEng. Specific comments, to the end of "Career with Perfini":

  • My early life as a Canadian on the border of the US is showing. I'm aiming for BrE... so that would be natural sciences programme?
  • "He returned to his hometown" – I think as a noun this is usually two words, though just one word when used as an adjective. I may, of course, be wrong. It has been known.
  • Merriam-Webster gives the unspaced form as a noun, and Wiktionary defines home town as an alternative version of hometown. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • Now I look, the OED agrees with your sources. I withdraw in disarray. Tim riley (talk) 19:50, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "as a translator and thespian" – a thespian? Is that just an actor (in which case the more familiar word is preferable) or something on top, in which case what?
  • Nixed thespian, changed to actor. Had used "thespian" as he was acting exclusively on the stage at the time; his only film role was in the 80s. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "performed both translations" – I'd lose the "both"
  • "The group travelled throughout the city…" – a very long sentence. I'd be inclined to replace the semicolon with a full stop.
  • "hired by Ministry of Information" – hired by the Ministry of Information?
  • "and write them down" – and wrote?
  • "these were printed" – his transcripts were printed, perhaps?
  • Source doesn't say the transcripts, exactly. Reworked. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "owing to their inability to buy the necessary equipment" – I think this sentence would have more impact if you dropped these nine words. Just a suggestion – to be ignored if you prefer.
  • "Upon his return to Indonesia, he worked with Ismail" – this is the fourth "upon" so far and the phrase is beginning to seem repetitive. Possibly vary here or earlier with "when…"?
  • Now there are only three in the article (there was another after this sentence, meaning five originally). — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:38, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

More soonest. Tim riley (talk) 16:58, 27 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Second and concluding batch from Tim
  • Later career
    • "kidnappings and executions" – I'm uneasy about the latter. "Executions" suggests something carried out by due process of law, rather than assassination or murder, as in this case.
    • "He successfully increased" – do you need the adverb here?
      • Not really, since we already have that he was credited with saving the genre. Removed. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:04, 29 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
    • "proper financial compensation" – perhaps "reward" rather than "compensation", which implies recompense for injury etc.
      • He was essentially arguing for living wages for the actors. They would get paid a pittance for every performance, meaning they were well below the poverty line. Changed to remuneration. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:04, 29 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]
    • "both modern or foreign" – both modern and foreign?
    • "after ceremonies at the IKJ led by author Sutan Takdir Alisjahbana and prayers at the Amir Hamzah Mosque in Ismail Marzuki Hall led by the poet Taufiq Ismail" – you use the definite article before "poet" but not before "author". I much prefer the former (in good BrEng it is mandatory, though not, I know, in AmEng). There are other examples of included/omitted "the"s throughout the text, and whichever construction you prefer, it might be as well to be consistent.
    • "all of his documents and books" – if you have decided on BrEng you should lose the "of" here.
  • Style
    • "As such, these films used wayang-inspired costumes" – I'm not convinced that the first two words add anything useful to the sentence.
  • Reception
    • First para – Perhaps the prose would flow better if you changed the second and third mentions of Djajakusuma's name to "he".
  • Explanatory notes
    • "Neither Norway nor Sweden were at war" – neither N nor S was at war?

That's all from me. To my layman's eyes this article seems a model of its kind: clear, easy to read, well balanced and evidently comprehensive. Looking at the list of sources made me sag at the knees a bit, yet though the amount of research has plainly been formidable the scholarship is worn pleasingly lightly. – Tim riley (talk) 19:15, 28 April 2014 (UTC)[reply]

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