Wikipedia:Peer review/Max Guevara/archive1

Max Guevara

I've listed this article for peer review because i'd like to nominate it for GA eventually. I completely overhauled the article by myself so would like the opinions of other editors.

Thanks, Freikorp (talk) 11:36, 15 October 2015 (UTC)

Closing this now as i've received one great review, it's been open for 3 weeks, and i'd like to nominate something else. Freikorp (talk) 13:11, 7 November 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

Lead

• Split that first sentence into two.

Done, though i've also expanded the second sentence to clarify that the series only ran for two seasons as per your comments below. Freikorp (talk) 22:59, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• She also searchers for her "brothers and sisters"

I'd drop the quotes and paraphrase to say she is looking for others like her.

Done. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Creation and appearances

• Following his success with the film Titanic, director James Cameron teamed up with Charles H. Eglee.

The mention of Titanic seems a bit off-topic.

Dark Angel was literally the next thing Cameron worked on after Titanic. I think that's relevant, should I reword it though to clarify this? Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• The Cameron quote might be too long, so consider trimming and/or paraphrasing.

I've reworded so it's not all a direct quote, let me know if you think it needs more trimmed. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Attributes

• carried to term by a human woman

But Max is also human right?

Yes. I think I was trying to convey that the woman who carried her was not genetically engineered, but the source doesn't say that anyway so never mind. I've removed the word human. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• Designed to be the perfect soldier, Max is extremely strong, athletic and agile. She can see in the dark, can zoom in with her eyes to view distant objects, does not need to sleep, and has a photographic memory.[9]

Check for consistent use of the serial comma, as you exclude it in the first sentence above and include it in the second.

Done. Freikorp (talk) 22:54, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• She also has enhanced hearing, can leap up or down from great heights with ease, can hold her breath underwater for extended periods, and can dodge bullets with her super speed.[8] Max lies, cheats and steals when she needs to, and shows no remorse when doing so, though she is morally opposed to guns

Same issue.

Done. Freikorp (talk) 22:54, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• sits atop of the derelict Space Needle

Might be good to briefly explain why the needle is derelict.

I've tried to clarify this in the 'Storyline' section, let me know if you think I need to clarify it the above section instead / as well. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• Max goes in heat.

I would say she goes "into heat".

Done. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Storyline

• I find the bit about the prequel confusing, as it sounds like she was on the run before having escaped.

Clarified; does this address the issue? Freikorp (talk) 22:59, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• Cale notices and recognises Max's barcode

As an American TV show produced by Americans, I would think that, per WP:ENGVAR, this article should be written in American English, nit British English.

Done. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• the even more ruthless Elizabeth Renfro

This reads a bit loaded an unencyclopedic.

Removed. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• In second two Logan exposes Manticore to the world

??? Are there missing words here, or should second be season?

Yep, should have been 'season'; changed. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• The series ends with the military surrounding

Where there only two seasons?

Yes, i've now clarified this in the lead and the body. Freikorp (talk) 22:54, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• The last two paragraphs are without citations, but maybe this is okay with plot summaries

Plots don't need sources; I'm not sure if adding the sources to the first two paragraphs mainly is appropriate but a) the sources were available (sources are much harder to find for season two and probably non-existent for the books) and it helps me add direct quotes which i feel improve the section. Freikorp (talk) 22:54, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Reception

• In October 2000 Howard Rosenberg said

It's best to avoid words like said in encyclopedic writing; stated, commented or wrote are much better.

Changed to 'commented'. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

• his list of the 100 sexiest women in sci-fi

If that's the official name it might needs title case caps.

It's not. The official title is "Top 200 Sexiest Characters in Sci-Fi", however, the author splits these into the top 100 male and top 100 females within the article. Freikorp (talk) 22:41, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Conclusion

This is a very well-written piece overall. I wish it was more detailed though, but reliable sources might be hard to find. Make sure there aren't any BrEngisms, as per WP:ENGVAR this should be written in AmEng. Nice job; keep up the great work! RO^(talk) 17:02, 30 October 2015 (UTC)

Thanks so much for your comments Rationalobserver. I've replied to all of your concerns. Let me know if you think anything needs more work. Freikorp (talk) 22:59, 30 October 2015 (UTC)